Moving sucks. This mom shares a few tips to make it suck less.
A guest post from Steph McKay, military wife + a note from me on the concept of home
Before we get into a guest post of moving tips from Real Mother Fuckers podcast guest, Steph McKay, I wanted share two pictures and captions, which have allowed me sit with this word: HOME.
We’ve heard the phrase, “home is where the heart is.” We also know that home may not necessarily be a physical place. It’s where your loved ones are. It can be where you feel most comfortable in your skin. It can be a place in which you can safely exist, or grow, or fall apart, if you need.
Steph shares helpful details on moving yourself, your stuff, and your family but as I read her words and think about what she said on our podcast, I now ponder these ideas:
Home is moving. Home is shifting. Home is growing. Home is staying.
Steph’s home always looked different. Her husband, now a retired US Marine, was gone for many months at a time, fighting a war many of us civilians will never be able to grasp, even if we knew the details of these service men and women’s experiences. Newly married, she was alone. Then as she became a mom, she was alone raising her children for much of their younger years. She had to create a home to fit their lives, to keep moving forward, even if moving forward was incredibly hard.
For all the military spouses and families, this episode is for you.
Caption: 12 years ago today. I had been living in North Carolina with Steve for about 2 months and we flew back to San Diego so I could graduate from culinary school.
During that trip, he asked my Dad for his blessing and we drove to the county clerk’s office to get married on May 12, 2008. Steve was deploying in a few weeks. He left in August for round 2 in Iraq, and I spent the next 8 months alone in North Carolina.
Steve was fighting a war and going through experiences that I to this day am not aware of. We did this deployment cycle for two more after that. Each time we grew a little farther apart as I had babies and became a new person, alone for the majority of it. I am proud of the work we have put in to be where we are now.
On Friday, Steve picks up his DD214 and his 15 year military career is over (he also graduates with his Master’s degree!) 12 years has been both unbelievably long, and yet time has flown by.
Did I know all the amazing highs and crushing lows that would occur on 5/12/08? Hell no.
Would I do it all again to be where we are now? Hell yes.
Caption: On Friday, he was Gunnery Sergeant Steven McKay. Today he is, Mr. McKay, Devops Engineer for Digital Force Technologies.
On Friday he also graduated with his Master’s Degree in IT Management. It has been a high Op tempo around here for our 12 years together. @mcfury7 has NO CHILL, LOL, so even though he is a “retired Marine” he still has way more he wants to accomplish in life.
Proud to be by his side. Have a great first day as a civilian!
Tips for moving across the country and simultaneously radically changing school philosophy
By Steph McKay
Before you visit:
Have a very frank conversation with your spouse about your goals, visions, and ideal home/land. Write all of it down, vision board it, etc. Don’t hold anything back!
Research areas, schools, map your favorite stores, google local things that interest you and get it all down on a printed map so you can drive by/visit.
While visiting:
In addition to seeing properties, schedule time to just run errands like you would on a normal day if you lived there. Costco, Trader Joe’s, post office, hair salon, etc.
Talk to people! We were very outgoing and talked to everyone we could and asked pretty blunt questions. Think: servers, baristas, store and hotel employees, etc.
Identify random things you love at home and walk into the equivalent business in your new location, “hair salon/med spa/barber, chiropractor, sports practices/teams, CPA, etc”
It is easy to be excited and think the new place is perfect - be honest if red flags pop up that concern you. Talk about it! Maybe it is an actual issue that prevents you from living there, or maybe it is just nerves - be curious and honest. It can be a great way to get closer with your spouse as you embark on this adventure and create the life you have dreamed of.
Selling/listing/moving trucks oh my:
Find passionate and honest real estate pros to guide you. We look for someone who is going to give it to us straight, not tell us what we want to hear. Look into keeping your low interest rate home and renting it out! Do A LOT of math. Keeping your home also is a safety net if you ever want to move back, if the numbers make sense.
Purge purge purge! You don’t want to be unpacking the junk drawer in your new home.
Moving SUCKS. Try to make the best of it, remember you are on the same team and this is temporary. Be ready to go with the flow.
Our mantra was, “this is already a huge change for everyone, let’s try to make the memories positive and fun rather than stressful!”
Helping your kids adjust:
Go on a “tour” for their first day, rather than just starting their new school. Meet the teachers, class, counselor, and walk the school.
Lots of positive affirmations, “you are brave, kind, amazing, and you can do hard things!”
About a month in, my oldest said, “but you don’t miss your friends like I do!” It was then I realized that I needed to share my struggles with the move so they didn’t feel alone in it. I was focused on sharing the positives.