My relationship with alcohol
And how I did not want to be honest with myself
It’s December! Many of us will be going to parties and gatherings, cheers-ing our way to 2023. You’ll be catching me this year clinking glasses, likely with sparkly water as my beverage.
This time of year has me thinking about how I hardly drink anymore, and how I got here. I also have been analyzing the question, what is a drinking problem?
I largely stopped drinking alcohol a couple of years ago, after a long battle of not wanting to give it up. These days, I have a drink every once in a while but it’s so seldom I couldn’t tell you when I had alcohol before my half-glass of wine last week.
After my buzzy night, I didn’t have a raging hangover. Nor did I have a crazy night where I made bad decisions like eat pizza in bed or partake in additional mind altering substances (I’ve been guilty of both!) You see, I did not quit drinking alcohol because I had too many extreme cases of rum regrets the next day.
I felt negative consequences from 1-2 glasses of wine, a couple times a week. I quit drinking because my “hangover” was like having a mildly wet blanket over me, for days or even weeks. But to convince myself to stop was difficult, largely because I told myself two things:
This is my only vice.
I don’t have a drinking problem.
My anxiety and depression got pretty bad so I fixed habits in every way I could to treat it. Alcohol is a depressant but I did not want to see the reality, so I tried to update my life everywhere else. I talked to my doctor and took medication. I ate healthy. I exercised. I quit social media. Limited my screen time. I journaled. I slept the amount experts recommended. I meditated. I did all these pretty consistently.
Yet I STILL felt bleh.
You would think this is a no-brainer. Just quit the alcohol! But I didn’t. Why are we so attached to our vices? For me, my vice was an association with fun things, like hanging with friends, celebrations like weddings, date nights with my husband, letting loose. A voice in my head said those things are best paired with alcohol.
This vice, it seemed, was a problem. Which led me to examine this question:
What is a drinking problem?
I didn’t have a drinking problem in typical standards. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism talks about binge drinking, having 4+ drinks a night. Do you have a drinking problem if you drink every night of the week? Is it a problem only if you lose your job/spouse/friends/etc. because of it? I did not fit into guidelines deemed heavy use, binging, or a disorder.
It may not appear that I have a problem when you pull up a definition. But it doesn’t matter what a reputable source said.
Drinking alcohol was a problem for me.
The few hours of buzz was not worth the weeks of mild crappiness I felt. Alcohol wasn’t serving me. It wasn’t helping how I felt. And it wasn’t right for my body.
It wasn’t simple to get to this conclusion and it was a mind game to achieve it. Some who consider taking a break from alcohol may think it’s going to solve whatever they’re seeking to fix. It might, it might not.
Sans wine and tequila, life isn’t crazy better. In a very bland description, I feel normal. I’m here, and present. I have less down days. I’ve discovered that I can still be engaging in social situations. Motivation to do positive things is generally good but I am human and sometimes I don’t get things done.
Quitting hasn’t been a magic bullet and that’s OK for me. Sometimes I do feel down but my mental health has overall improved. I believe it’s because I no longer have a relationship with alcohol.
Instead of a wet blanket covering me, more often than not, I find myself under a safe, comforting quilt. I’ll take it.