My relationship with social media
Help me make the rules
The bad side
I quit social media years ago because I was addicted. I was a slut scroller, a feed fiend, consuming all I could, swiping my thumb down my phone screen waiting for new confusing content to appear.
Ooooh, her 40-year-old skin looks flawless! Oh. I should do something about my cheek’s dark spots.
Ooooh, this person I went to college with but no longer speak to is having a cucumber margarita in Tulum! Oh. I’m sitting on my stained couch and it is terribly sobering.
Ooooh, this guy I met one time at a networking event has kids that read and they look the same age as my kid! Oh. My kid isn’t reading yet, should I be worried? I’m worried.
Ooooh, wtf, how did this ad know I was craving a burger? Oh. The Internet overlords have taken over my brain!
Take all these examples and multiply them, every single day. Then there was the conundrum of my subconscious always having an agenda, constantly shaping the image I want people who follow me to see. I would take pictures of my kids, of us on outings, on vacations, with friends and family – with a hidden plot of planning on posting it for later.
My mind was nonstop. I’d think in scrolls. I was in a constant search for something new, something sparkly, and right now. It was a tick, where I’d pick up my phone and tap to get more pics and videos, shameful political rants, funny memes, friends in cool places, pics of food, sunsets, landscapes, and stuff about minimalism… oh the irony.
Nothing in that visual square ever made me truly feel good, about myself, about the world, my self confidence, and it really fucked up my view of my life. I had a shitty attention span. Stuff that took time and concentration were a struggle, like reading a book, writing an email to a client, or doing a project that takes 1 hour turned into 2, or 3.
The anxiety and depression were falling deeper and stronger. So I quit. I quit to slow my mind down. I stopped – to stop and look up. I quit so I can be present with my real and tangible life, and consume it for me, just me. Omitting social media meant no facade, no digital audience, and it’s what made me feel safe and normal again.
Then I started writing these essays on Substack and shared my posts on social media. I popped up like a bear out of hibernation. In these essays, you’ve come along to watch me roast myself. I reveal my lessons learned, obstacles I’ve muscled through or stupidly realized later, and then had a need to share with you. I’m painting yet another curated picture of me for you.
On Substack and social media, I’ve been connecting with and reading other writers online, finding a new community that serves me. I’d like to stay, be inspired, and see where it takes me.
So now I tread social media carefully. I fear I will go into this cycle again. I am a Taurus, notorious for indulgence. I am weak to shiny new things. I am prone to dabble then swallow until I choke.
So here I shall write my social media creed - maybe if I write it down I will stick with it. For those who have a healthy relationship with social media, I want to hear from you. If you’ve found a balance, and it serves you, please share any bits of wisdom.
Stephanie’s Social Media Rules, To Stave Off Addiction and Self-Loathing
Social apps shall not be downloaded onto my phone. It can be viewed and consumed only on a web browser on my laptop.
Limit time, specifically 20 minutes maximum a day, to look at social media (right now, I’m on Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook and do not plan on more).
Be more mindful of a creative community. In particular, I want to be surrounded by artists, writers, business owners who inspire me.
Follow people, brands, organizations that make me feel good.
Unfollow people, brands, organizations that don’t make me feel good. This one is very important, just click unfollow. Not seeing their content will not create a void. I didn’t miss them when I left social media before, I won’t miss them now.
Post something meaningful.
Do not post pics or videos of my kids (my personal parenting choice).
Keep my phone down, in general (not just related to social media), as much as I can.
Create more than I consume.
Also have fun, too. Cat and dog videos can’t hurt, right?
The other side
When I see a friend going through a tough time, I ask if they need help. I typically expect this response: “No, I’m OK. But thanks for asking!” But I was surprised by and proud of three friends that have accepted my help in the last two weeks. In particular, I love that these friends are moms, who in my experience (myself included), are the worst offenders of accepting help.
Moms, why do we do this to ourselves? I was delighted to drop off leftover soup, pack dishes in boxes ahead of a move, and buy a gift card for my friend’s family holed up with COVID.
I found out about my friend’s family having COVID through an Instagram story. This is a positive example of social media. I’d like more of this.
And one more side!
Do you like snacks? I like snacks. Little bites of sweet or salty joyful things that put a peppy step in my day.
I’m going to start sharing a few snackable size stuff I enjoy, like books, businesses I love to support who make cool things, other writers that inspire me, and just overall fun goodies, off and on the Internet (including social media).
Unpacking a few things:
Read this book. Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner. You may know her as the lead singer of Japanese Breakfast, or from her super cool style (I enjoyed her 7 Days, 7 Looks). This is a beautifully written memoir about her complicated relationship with her Korean mother and white father. It’s centered around her mother’s death, a raw, genuine reflection on a hard time that doesn’t hold back what really goes on in the rollercoaster of taking care of your dying parent. I could relate to this story, watching my father die, 6 weeks after he was diagnosed with lung cancer.
Shop local (for my San Diego area readers). Plantology on PCH in Oceanside is a Latino-owned plant store and coffee shop. My dog and I worked there for half a day recently. It was bliss, surrounded by greenery. A plant is a great holiday gift! I got this gem on the right, look at those beautiful locks!
Filipino love. Narra Studio is an online shop and brand dedicated to the artistry, weaving, and craft heritages of the Philippines and Asia. It was started by Harvard grad Katte Geneta, who is a true inspiration; she gave me another outlet to enjoy beautiful things from my heritage. I’ve purchased several of her shop items last year, and again this year for gifts.
Podcast for kids. My kids and I have been listening to the Circle Round podcast for years. They’re stories from around the world, retold by host Rebecca Sheir (who has a very soothing voice) with special guests from all over the entertainment industry. This week’s episode is one of my favorites. I’ll spoil it for you because I love this ending too much. No one falls in love and gets married!
Cook something simple. This Golden Lentil & Spinach Soup is the recipe we’ve cooked the most in our instant pot. Every single person who has eaten this soup loves it, young and old. And it’s easy to make. We half the cumin and you can add any veggies you have handy.