Screw everything I planned to write this week
A few ways to slow down and wait for anxiety to pass + shitty first drafts
I had a mini panic attack coming on all week. When it was about to burst and make its full entrance on Thursday, I decided to scrap the idea of finishing shitty drafts of work I’ve been poking at for too long.
Since Monday, I’ve been on the perpetual edge of mental disarray. Each day, I muscled through when I could smell the slight stench of anxiety in every move I made and every thought that crossed my mind. When you’re in this pickle, at what point do you stop and face it?
My vision blurred on this muggy afternoon and I decided that was it. I let my head fall on the squishy linen pillow in my home office. I napped.
As I write this, I do not feel well. A lot has been sitting with me.
I have re-edited and re-written three newsletter posts. None of them are near finished. Ann Lamott said about “shitty first drafts” in her book Bird by Bird, “All good writers write them. This is how they end up with good second drafts and terrific third drafts.” What happens when your 8th drafts are still shit?
I wrapped up a guest post for Nancy Reddy with Write More, Be Less Careful and hope I have it in me to finish a second one soon. Fellow substack writer and multi-hyphen Whiz Phil and I had a 1 hour+ conversation on digital clones, AI, and having a persona online as a mother. It was an interesting conversation but I didn’t feel myself during the interview.
My podcast co-host and I re-recorded an interview with a guest on the topic of autism because the first recording’s audio wasn’t up to par and we need to do this important topic justice. We are also prepping for an extremely sensitive topic and interview next week. Our guest has a heartbreaking story that we just learned about and I think it’s taking a toll on my soul.
I can worry about it all or I can let it be.
Because I’m having a hard time with my anxiety to process thoughts and words well, I decided to share in pictures a few slow things I’ve captured on my phone this week. A reminder to you and to myself that we can be gentle on ourselves with small acts.
Light it up. Watch the movement of a match as it scrapes the box and sparks new energy. Flick the round metal ring on a lighter and feel the glow of a candle. Light incense and notice the swirls of smoke followed by the dense smell invited to the room.
Legs up the wall. My husband and I have been ending our days reading a book in bed and putting our legs up the wall. I learned this move from yoga. I feel the blood flow from my toes down my legs, the gift of tingly movement from an easy inverted position — no headstands needed. Studies show the position activates the parasympathetic nervous system, a great way to destress our mind and body.
Write a letter by hand. I recently received a letter in the mail by a friend’s mom. We met and hung out earlier in the summer. I wrote her back and, wow, that was therapeutic. I also hand write Morning Pages at 5 am. Not to be dramatic but it nearly kills me each morning. But what a beautiful time, when the house is quiet, when I know I can start my day focused on myself. It’s healing to release the stagnant thoughts and worries waiting to be exposed. I get to spill these in the safe space of my journal and then I can shut it and walk away.
I’m craving writing by hand more. Who wants to be my pen pal? I’m serious, message me.
Sit with a friend, no phone or screens nearby. No wonder I’m exhausted. I almost forgot I hosted a sleepover for my kids on Monday. This is a photo of my daughter and her friend watching the sunrise. On the night of the sleepover, my co-host and I recorded an episode of our podcast. No one in my house got much sleep that night. Was it an energy shift in my home?
Stare at the sky from behind a window. Or go outside and join it.
My mind is frenetic. I know this feeling will pass.
I hope you all have a lovely weekend. Will you try to do one mindful and gentle act for yourself?
Listen to our podcast, Real Mother Fuckers, on the many realities of motherhood.
I admire all you do, Stephanie! The fact that you send out an excellent weekly post, produce and host a podcast, raise kids, and take care of pets blows my mind. I can barely get a post out each week and I have hardly anything to do. I thought I was alone in writing several drafts and abandoning them. 😀I keep trying to remind myself to just write what I feel like writing and maybe others enjoy it, but if they don’t, c’est la vie. I’d love to send you something fun via snail mail. I’ll email you to get your addy. Sending hugs and hope the storm has passed a bit. 🩷
Thanks for sharing honestly Stephanie, I would say that these times of transition and change are rocky and sometimes letting go of all expectations and pressure on yourself is the kindest thing to do. I say this as a reminder to myself to allow these emotions to rise and process them without judgement until they pass, which they will. Sending you blessings of love and light. 🙏💫