What I learned from 18 years of work relationships

It's like high school

My post-undergrad corporate work world experience is 18 years old. My career can vote, buy cigarettes and go to some strip clubs. Woo!

I recently stopped working with a few clients and colleagues I enjoyed over the last several years and it got me thinking about solid working relationships. Like a high school grad flipping through the yearbook, I’ve mentally scanned headshots of old bosses and coworkers. I drew hearts around ones that turned into friends. I’d take the yearbooks of my best work relationships, especially in recent years when I became a freelancer and tell them how they kicked ass in 1st period, K.I.T. this summer, and sign off with the number to my landline. And it wouldn’t be a proper yearbook scroll if I also didn’t Sharpie over and scratch devil ears on the bullies.

I had jobs in cubicle land and newsrooms, remotely and from client’s desks. I’ve walked the halls among the workplace equivalents of a brain, an athlete, a princess etc. Gah, was I the basket case?! I guess my past coworkers can decide.

This is what I’ve learned from some of my most memorable work relationships.

Is signing yearbooks still a thing?

Over the past month, I have been practicing a confidence building exercise almost every day. It needs a regular toning session after some years of bad relationships, including ones from work.

While I walk my dog in the mornings, I briefly close my eyes and let confidence gently wash over me. With cool misty dewdrops falling onto my face, I think back at a time I felt confidence. For background, at the time, I had overbearing bosses who were very upfront about how they do things. It’s either their way or they’ll make your job hell and talk crap about you all the time. Lots of mean girl vibes. To please them, I spent my time trying to fit into their posse, which felt like jamming a square peg into a triangle.

Confidence kicked in when I think of a time I was in my client’s conference room presenting the previous quarter’s campaign and results, letting my boss see what I can do without interference. I led the client relationship without her input and I thrived without her breathing down my neck. In this exercise, I visualize the colors blue and green. I hear inner dialogue of supportive phrases like “you can do it” and “I’m smart, kind, and I’m worthy of respect.” My shoulders are back, my head is slightly angled up and I’m smiling. 

Sounds hokey, right? I’m embarrassed to share this daily ritual but I can feel my relationship with myself and others evolving. For those of you who know me in real life, you are welcome to sneak up on me tomorrow morning. I’ll be the lady power walking in pajamas with her eyes closed, sniffing the air above her and grinning at no one.

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I’ll admit, this management style pushed me to do better. Was it worth the cost of making me feel like shit?

A Harvard Business Review story from earlier this summer dissects how healthy relationships at work affect us. According to studies, the answer to my question is no, it’s so not worth it — for employees or their employers! The writers from the HBR article share, “A research study by Julia K. Boehm and Sonja Lyubomirsky considering evidence from three types of studies — longitudinal, cross-sectional, and experimental — showed that happiness is in turn predictive of workplace success. And when you dig deeper to explore what “happiness” at work means for employees, it comes down to positive relationships.”

Once I quit and became a freelancer and contractor, I was overwhelmed by the “niceness” of everyone I chose to work with. It was an odd opposition to past work environments, witnessing the normalcy of people simply being considerate and professional.

I told my husband this observation and he said, “well, crazy attracts crazy.”

In the past few years, I made an effort to attract who I want around me. In this process, I’ve done great work alongside good people. It felt like I found my high school clique, and they all had different work personalities and styles.

I had a colleague that was reliably straight up with me. She could be short in responses because she was busy but she had no hidden agenda — she was direct, honest and funny.

I also worked with someone who has a huge personal brand following and her content is cheerful and supportive. I had continued faith in humanity when she matched her public persona and more; she’s smart, warm, and expects good work. Another colleague worked like a horse but always made time to genuinely see how I was doing personally and professionally. 

I’ve also had work wives, those who tirelessly power through to get some of the toughest jobs done with resilience right by my side. I’ve had bosses who are caring, warm and thoughtful and expect you to do your best. No B.S.

I’ve had copacetic client relationships in which I can easily collaborate. We respected each other’s expertise. If something didn’t work, we’d come up with something better or scrap the effort altogether, and move onto the next goal.

Two work wives, frolicking in wheat, hitting this quarter’s KPIs

I learned the best work relationships build me up. Those people make me want to do better. Great colleagues and leaders have faith in my unique way of doing things. They allow me to have confidence. With their support, I’m green with it.

Even though I try to keep work and personal life separate, it’s tough to not to let one bleed into the other. By having solid relationships at work, I can more easily keep a similar tone of relationship with my friends, my husband, and my kids. 

In an Inc. article by Moshe Engelberg, a PhD and executive coach, he challenges leaders on how to be in the workplace. His title “Stop Being So Nice in Your Workplace. Do This Instead” was natural clickbait for me as I was researching this topic.

“Instead, respect your emotions, be honest, and keep healthy boundaries on your path to being an authentic, balanced, love-powered leader.”

Who are your favorite work relationships? 

A shout out to one of my long time work friends and a brilliant writer, who is muscling through grad school and a full-time job, on top of being a wife and mom of two. Heather has been a client, a coworker, and we’ve collaborated many times as fellow freelancers. I think you should subscribe to her work.