What I learned from my 21-year partnership
What I learned from my 21-year partnership
And 12 years of marriage
My husband, Gabe and I got into an argument on our family vacation this week. It was on our way home from a nice afternoon with a taco truck lunch and snorkeling. The fight sucked. We were tired, I cried, our kids witnessed it, and there was a cloud over what was supposed to be happy times.
After we helped the kids wash off, we said sorry even though we did not feel like saying it. Apologizing felt like going against instincts, similar to getting the flu and forcing yourself to get out of bed and do 50 pushups.
We think of what we want our kids to remember when they witness their parents in a disagreement. Getting into an argument is natural, how we deal with it is our choice. An impressionable audience helped us hug and make up but, ultimately, we know the benefits of making amends for our relationship.
By the way, I feel the need to tell you this again. I really did not want to say sorry. I looked like a stubborn sibling whose parents made me say sorry in the heat of the moment. Moving on can be difficult especially when I’m still pissed off but the willingness to do so is worth the effort.
This argument reminded me of a moment from earlier that day. My son and I were holding hands making imprints with our feet in the sand and I admired how the waves washed over our steps, erasing any evidence of us ever setting foot there. I love the beauty of how quickly the slate is cleaned, how something new takes shape with each incoming wave.
Gabe and I also have been in bouts where we walk through damp sand, sinking our footsteps along our path, while the tide moves out, lower and lower. Instead of saying sorry and washing away the argument, we’ve let a low tide keep our dirty prints in the sand and linger for too long.
Marriage can be a beach. Or it can be a bitch. It’s all of it – calm, glassy waters, a hurricane, and steady waves.
Today is our 12th wedding anniversary and 21 years of partnership.
We met during college freshman orientation, two kids just looking to have fun. We met before Facebook was a thing, before you can swipe right for a future boyfriend, and when I had to wait for his phone call on a landline.
I’ve been asked a few times what’s your secret, which makes me feel like a phony. I don’t know the secrets to marriage. However, I do have some thoughts on what has helped our partnership up until this point.
My husband is my everything but he is not my only thing.
My sister shared this saying with me from a very serious and reliable source for philosophical and literary works – TikTok :) My marriage is number one. We’ve set aside arguments, let things go, made compromises, for the sake of our relationship. We bought a house together, we share bank accounts, and plan and save for our retirement so we can live our last days together comfortably. We are a couple, bound together, and we are also two individuals living our own lives. I have my own issues I deal with and I don’t put him responsible for fixing them. I have my own interests, and so does Gabe. We also don’t need to do them together and we like it that way. I love to have my own thing, while I get to support his thing from afar. When we celebrate our individuality, we can better celebrate each other.
Raising kids is temporary. Our marriage is forever.
It’s difficult to fathom that my kids will leave home someday and build their lives and own families. Right now, Gabe and I are so entrenched in raising our kids and focused on our jobs and other responsibilities that we often don’t have a moment to sit down and be with each other until we get into bed at night. And we both work from home! We have to make an effort to talk to each other, even touch or kiss each other, reminding us that we’re doing this thing together, even though it’s sometimes hard and time consuming right now. After our kids leave, our marriage will still be there and I don’t want to wait until we’re 50 for this relationship to blossom. So we make time to do stuff together, big and small. We continue to get to know each other, learn from each other, and share cool things we’ve discovered. On hikes, walks in our neighborhood, and dinner dates, we share how we can do more things together that excite us, fulfills us, or meet each other’s needs.
During our time together, we also do this next exercise.
Grow on the same trajectory.
Gabe is a goal setter. He writes down his goals, from the small ones for today to large ones 50 years from now. I used to think this was lame… for me. I thought it was great for him but didn’t think it aligned with who I am. Sure, I thought, I have goals, but they’re somewhere in a mental note. Then I started seeing Gabe achieve these goals and become the person he wants to be, for himself, for his relationships, for his business, for his kids. I decided to give it a try and I was wrong (also something I’ve learned to say more in marriage) – goal setting is for me, too. Making goals for ourselves is great, and even better is setting goals together, and alongside each other. I believe in manifesting my life. In doing so, we need to be on the same growth trajectory. Discussing what we want now, in a few years, and many years from now, helps us understand expectations. We can better support each other in our endeavors and work together to achieve them.
Party together.
Gabe and I met when we were 18. We were young, full of optimism, in a new environment, learned new experiences, and figured out how to be adults. We began our relationship enjoying life. We continue, or at least try to continue, to hang out and have a good time together. This doesn’t mean we need to drink to have fun, even though the photo of us below on a party bus is a good example of that. We let loose around each other, practice our good sense of humor, and try not take things so seriously. We have so many responsibilities, we deserve to party it up every once in a while.
What’s your secret to a good partnership?
