What I learned from substitute parenting a teenager

a minor + a mouser

Two years ago we took in our 15-year-old nephew, full of optimism, sunshine and glitter. We thought, no problem, we have two young kids already so obviously we must know what we’re doing.

This is like when you think you’re having a typical Tuesday morning. You make your same coffee you’ve been brewing for years with your go-to medium roast beans, same pour-over method, then you add in your usual one scoop of sugar and then open the fridge to grab the whole milk to get it your preferred nice and creamy, a caramel-milky hue. And then, bam. 

You pick it up thinking it’s at least halfway full but your arm pops up in shock at the emptiness of the carton. You thought your morning coffee was going to pull through for you today. Then you sit there and analyze where you went wrong, how this got empty so fast. Why didn’t anyone tell you there were maybe 1 or 2 coffees worth of milk left on Monday so you can prepare for Tuesday’s debacle? Why?!

My reference point with raising a high schooler was parenting my own little ones, which is like comparing apples to armadillos. My nephew is a great kid yet I still get hit with very typical teenage issues when I don’t expect it and, as a consequence, I sit there mentally and emotionally overthinking the damn thing.

In the 25 months he’s been with us, here’s the number one thing I’ve learned from raising a teenager. It has nothing to do with the 17-year-old living down my hallway and it has everything to do with how much I view my relationship with my children.

There’s a saying: Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems. I am not discounting in any way the hardship of raising small children (come on, I totally get it, I’m in the thick of it!) but I do understand the sentiment. 

Raising a high schooler is a mental marathon, like a game of chess. Our efforts go into thinking and strategizing with him, understanding the implications for his future as an adult. It’s a heavy load. 

My pre-K and elementary-aged kids are like playing tetherball, a physical force that sometimes swings me around a pole and smacks me in the nostrils. They demand more attention now, need bedtime routines with me, butt cracks double checked for cleanliness, help with flossing the very back tooth that always gets meat stuck in it, and so on. I remind myself that this hands-on time with them is fleeting even though it feels like I’ve been biking up a hill on the wrong gear, pedaling way too fast, and wondering if I’ll ever make it to the top.

Before my nephew joined our family, I often had a mindset of waiting for the next thing, the next milestone. I can’t wait for my kid to learn how to go to the bathroom himself, or I’m looking forward to when he can dress himself for once. It would be nice if she can fully read everything so I don’t have to be a human Audible each bedtime. My kids often need me, in-person, squatting down with them or holding hands.

But I learned that living with a teenager means our time together looks much differently. They prefer and do spend time alone, or with friends, and certainly not much with us “old people”. I need to get creative, make excuses to hang out like going out to eat our fave takeout, pho, or go thrifting, or just drive somewhere together. Clearly I was oblivious and perhaps all the above talk about parent and teen dynamic is obvious. It wasn’t to me when we first sheltered him. 

In contrast, I hug my kids more. I grab my cuddles where I can. Today, I thought of the juxtaposition of teen vs. little ones and decided to laugh and be good with my current situation, cleaning yogurt off my son’s chin, the same goo smeared all over my sleeve. 

I learned to say yes a bit more and hold on to this stage of them being this age because I know it won’t be like this in a little more than a handful of years.

Yes, I’d love to do a sleepover with you. Of course, I’ll come walk with you down the dark hallway to get your socks because monsters might be at the other end. Obviously, I’d love to match outfits with you today. You want to make a fort together even though we need to clean the mess in our living room? Sure, we can deal with it later.

.