What’s your worth?
How to unlearn ‘success’
When my worth is no longer tied to money, what’s my value?
I recently put a pause on a career in which I earned a solid income for 15 years. I like to call it a sabbatical but I don’t know if I’ll go back. The money and great colleagues were a big reason I kept going. Maybe I am tired, or maybe I’m lazy, or maybe I’m just another millennial statistic, fleeing their job in a pandemic.
With that decision, I’m not making nearly as much money as I was before. I decided to exchange deadlines and dollars for days filled with more purpose, where I attempt to write a book, scribble and ramble on in these essays, take writing courses and finally get around to do a lot of stuff I didn’t have time for because of my demanding job.
I write this with the utmost privilege because I’m here sillily wagering my worth when I live with financial stability, thanks to shared funds with my husband.
Still, I know that worth isn’t measured in bank account or investment size. But with the swift move of slashing my income, I began to dissect my false sense of worth. As I gawk at the newly empty space, I’ve wondered what the heck I’m worth anymore.
I have found myself in a whirlpool of self-discovery, mindfulness, self transformation – or maybe I’m having a good old fashioned midlife crisis. I am Don Draper in the Mad Men series finale, Om-ing on the cliff at the Esalan Institute, washing myself from former identities. Like all the viewers then, I’m left scratching my head, asking myself, WTF is going on here?
What’s a middle aged woman to do when she’s confused about life? I turned to google, of course! Literally typing in “what am I worth?” and “how do you measure self worth?” All these articles on the Internet talk about not equating your worth to money and possessions, your job, how you look, your accomplishments, your relationships, your health.
In my nearly 4 decades here in this weird world, I’ve measured my value in a way I could only understand at the time. As a young girl, I remember when I learned to ride my bike in our 80s-build suburban tract home cul de sac. I’m rad, I thought, as I made my 56th lap around the block. Or I was convinced I’d be just as cool as my sisters once I get this tall, or when I reach double digit age, or earn the right to womanhood with wearing a bra for the first time. I’ve sought validation for good grades, being skinny, and being a fun friend. Then worthiness morphed into adulthood; being a mom and aunt, a wife, a pet parent.
I also grew up with the idea that earning a degree and getting a good job are synonymous with worthiness. It was sewed into my mindset, in every fiber of my being, as a child of immigrants. Maybe I succeeded in that endeavor, it’s another milestone I can check off the list.
But if I can’t hang these milestones toward my worth, then how do I measure it?
In this reevaluation, I’m on a mission to unlearn what success means. I am rewiring my brain so that I can find my purpose. It seems to be a moving target. Help me pinpoint it.
I came across a couple of videos that expanded my understanding on the topic. YouTuber and artist Poala Merrill explores how she had to unlearn her definition of success, especially after living life more simply in the woods, stripping the meaning to its bones, as bare as the trees surrounding her in winter. When you have a moment, read the comments in her post; a few that stood out are “being at peace with oneself” and “allowing yourself to follow your passions without guilt or self-judgement.”
Clinical psychologist Dr. Shefali Tsabary talks about how life is purposeful, no matter what situation you are in.
“Connection is the missing piece,” she says in this video. “Purpose is where you are right now. Purpose is not by the glamor of what you think it is. It’s whatever you’re doing right now, are you connected to it? Wherever you feel alive, that is purpose.”
Maybe the path to great worth, that gold standard we are all trying to achieve, is rooted in more than something that’s tangible, or even something that is transfixed to any goal marker. What if it is always shifting, and situational, based on where I feel connection?
For example, I know I’m not the most incredible writer, whose words always dance off a page, leaving readers hypnotic through the waltz of every word. I am not the writer I admire in all the books I’ve been voraciously reading.
Then I think of a quote by Oscar Wilde, “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
So I’m placing value in the connection toward myself - in my growth, in this squiggly and bumpy path to do this thing that makes me happy, gives me fulfillment. It’s a newly ignited connection and I’m excited to see where it goes.
I’m also proudly a mother, partner, an aunt, a sister, a daughter, a friend. Is it how I connect with them?
I guess that’s the beauty of this currency of success and worthiness, it’s more valuable the more I find that connection, no matter how big, or small, and especially hard. Some of the most powerful connections have been by my kids’ side when I see them struggle, or making a point to find time with my husband when there seems to be no more minutes left in the day.
Is my worth wedged in the space between my will to push forward, where I let myself discover new parts of myself, while embracing old parts of me that are responsible for what you see today?
My worth is in me showing up for myself and my curiosity. It’s in the experience I gain, the courage to do what’s hard, the dreams I create and chase after, the love and dedicated time I give to my family and my most valued relationships. This is what I call connection.
The definition of success is different for everyone and it will change at multiple inflection points throughout our days here on Earth. In that case, the willingness to change, the openness to shift is also a marker of my value. Being honest with myself is worth some big bucks in the grand scheme of life.
Have you thought of your worth? What is success to you? Leave a comment or send me a message, I want to know!
Thanks for reading.
Unpacking a few things
Currently reading A Little Devil In America by Hanif Abdurraqib. There’s so many paragraphs and pages I’ve read several times because it’s been giving me a lot of feels, and reflections and impact.
Blueprint Botanicals makes beautifully packaged beauty products that are natural (like real real natural, this stuff expires in a matter of months) and everything I’ve tried on my skin and face and hair is a ticket to Treat.Yo.Self. They create in small batches and they’re taking orders now.
I wrote an article for Motherly about how my depression is no longer a secret in my home.
“Screen time is dumb” is a Substack article from writer Courtney Martin. As a mother of Waldorf school kids, I find this a very practical way to look at technology, screens and social media.
