Why I don't like music

Making the case for silencing the senses

Seven times out of 10, if you were to give me a choice, to play music or no music, I’d pick no music. I prefer silence. The natural sounds around me. 

Gosh, that was scary to write. I very much fear judgment on this topic.

In doing some research, there’s a condition that affects 5 percent of the population, called music anhedonia in which listening to music offers little to no pleasure. I paused for a second, is this me? No.

I do like music. Sometimes.

Ack, that is also scary to say! 

I need to be in the mood for music and I am conscious of when I turn it on. Music can feel overstimulating for me. Half the time I wear my noise canceling headphones, I have nothing playing and use them to drown out nearby sounds.

Oftentimes, I listen to music when I don’t want to, but I do, because everyone else I’m around wants the tunes. However, there’s been many times I don’t want music on, then I play it and find myself enjoying it, feeling it. What beautiful art.

For as long as I can remember, I have never been a strong musical person. At a young age, I tried learning the piano and quit. Then the clarinet, quit that too. I was in the choir in middle school and sucked as a soprano, and I’d suck even more at any vocal part. I am not a great dancer. The beat does not flow naturally because I have to think when I tap my feet or wave my hands (why am I always unsure of what to do with my hands?!) in sync to the song. After a few more measures, you’ll likely find me lost, wondering if I’m even still on beat, or trying desperately to get back into it. I am terrible at hearing lyrics to songs, or remembering any lyrics if I learn them. I am self conscious when I go to concerts and everyone sings and dance so eloquently with their favorite band and I’m awkwardly pretending to lip sync. Can you tell I’m mumbling nothingness?

Me? Maybe.

So yeah, music is not my forte. 

Besides my lack of symmetry with music, my bigger issue is that it can trigger feelings of anxiousness. It can be sensory overload. 

Maybe I’m not alone. Writer Gretchen Rubin wrote about a similar experience:

“When I’m feeling anxious, I often respond by turning down some sensation. For instance, during the most intense part of the pandemic shut-down, I stopped wearing perfume or lighting scented candles—and I was puzzled by my own reaction. Then, as I thought about it, I realized when my daughter Eleanor was playing music in the kitchen, I’d ask her to turn it off. I wouldn’t be feeling particularly anxious, but suddenly, the extra scent or sound seemed like too much.” 

There was a time when turning something audible on seemed like a comforting or entertaining choice. I thought it made me feel less alone when I was by myself. On walks, I’d listen to a podcast. While organizing my closet, I’d click on some YouTube influencer’s “spend the day with me” video. In the car, I’d choose an audiobook. If alone at night, I’d play Friends or a familiar movie so I felt, again, less alone. 

Then I noticed myself overwhelmed, burned out, anxious and depressed, all the poop feels. Music, added sounds, and information going through my senses became too much. I was starting to feel like I was always in a crowded room when I was physically alone.

In response, I’ve slowly quieted much of these audible choices over the past several months. 

I’ve also turned a lot of other mind chatter down, like the visual stimulations of random crap on the Internet. I won’t download TikTok because, shit you guys, this brain needs no more. 

For a long while, I was afraid of being alone with myself. I was afraid of not liking what was in my head. 

Now that I’ve trained myself to turn down or shut off the volume, I crave silence, to be alone. Maybe it’s because I live with what seems to be 100 people and pets, or I'm at a different stage in my life where I’m looking inward more. It’s also likely I needed to make an over correction for all the crap in which I filled my ears.

Where I live, I can hear birds chirping, distant cars driving across the valley, the sound of my heater, my son making race car sounds with his legos, and my velcro dogs’ paws tippy taps as I move around my house. Lately, my favorite quiet activities include writing stuff down on paper more. I read books. I sit outside and watch nature, the overgrown trees from afar, the rocks, roly polys and weeds up close.

omg I realize this is #goals

I’m a sensitive person. And I think it’s a reason I prefer no music. While feeling the music is the ultimate goal for many music lovers, perhaps my problem is that I can feel it way too much. It can evoke too much emotion. It feels like being in a crowded restaurant, plates and glasses clanging, drunk people yelling, with everyone trying to talk over each other and I can’t understand what a single person is saying.

So I make a conscious effort to choose silence.

I wonder if those who are overwhelmed or anxious can mute some of the senses to heal themselves or temper these feelings. It doesn’t have to be audible but what if we simmer down smells (like perfumes), visuals (like screens, all the damn screens!), touch (like uncomfortable clothes), or tastes (maybe embrace some comfort foods rather than diet foods you don’t like)?

Think about what you fill your day with — is there a sensation that can be turned down a notch, or several? Or how about shut it down for awhile and see what happens?

With this odd reveal about myself, I have an important caveat. Yes, I made the case for silence but I always want music in my life.

A gesture of connection, of love

My kids love music and we enjoy different playlists, discovering new songs (for both of us) at school drop off and pick up. My teenage nephew is a music junkie and I ask him to share what music he is into with me. We listen to music on vinyl at home. Music is often what binds me with those I love. It’s connection.

Music may not evoke the same feelings for me as it does for others. I love how it unites and connects people. Music can bond those who don’t know each other. It can bring people who love each other closer together. Two people moving together to a beat, holding each other in an embrace, is one of the most sensuous moments one can ever experience. For 95% of humans, it gives them an opportunity to connect with others and enjoy an art together. 

I will always take note of this.

Unpacking: some random music for my moods

If you bring me a blank CD, I’ll burn this playlist for you. JK I have no idea how to do that anymore.

In case you think we can no longer be friends because of my feelings about music, here’s proof I have good taste in it. You may not like every single song here but I’m confident you will like at least one on the list!

For happiness and feeling at home, wherever you are. Talking Heads, Home

For a buttery, chill out tune. Also the Portlandia theme song. Washed Out, Feel it All Around

For just good hip hop. A Tribe Called Quest, Check The Rhime, Electric Relaxation

For melancholy and feeling super cool. Portishead, Numb

For feeling a beat. If I can actually stay on beat. Dave Chappelle is controversial and said some stuff I did not like but I can’t forget about his movie, Block Party. Watch it. In fact, I’m about to watch it again. RIP old Kanye West. Kanye West, featuring Common and Talib Kweli, Get em High

For concentration. Sometimes I play this when I’m writing, was suggested by my UCSD memoir class professor. Rudy Adrian, MoonWater

For pure catchiness. Often played in the car with my kids; they think this is about fruit juice. Harry Styles, Watermelon Sugar

For 2000s nostalgia. Also a hit with my kids in the car. Nelly Furtado, Maneater

For some good Bob Marley. Bob Marley, Stir It Up

For lyrics that are beautiful. And in French. I’ve read translations to English, powerful. Stromae, Formidable

For shouting lyrics in the car when no one is looking. I always fuck up the lyrics because yours truly cannot rap. Also first heard this song in a great Netflix movie about late 20s girlfriendships in NYC, called Someone Great. Lizzo, Truth Hurts

For a warm hug to your ears. My 18-year-old nephew would play this for us when I used to have to drive him pre-license to go surf. Mac Demarco, Nobody

For good funk. Also suggested by my nephew. Thundercat, Them Changes

For just a good 90s song, from the 90s men of funk. Song not necessarily considered funk. Red Hot Chili Peppers, Soul to Squeeze

For feeling angsty. Mazzy Star, Fade Into You

For feeling more angsty. Japanese Breakfast, Boyish

For good vibes chilling with friends. Klangkarussell, Sonnentanz

For when you are leisurely cooking homemade pasta on a Saturday evening. Gipsy Kings, Djobi Djoba

For when you want to listen to smooth lyrical genius and incredibly catchy rap. Outkast ft. Killer Mike, The Whole World

For when you need to assure yourself that it will all be OK. This is your opp to confidently belt out “closer I am to fiiiiine” over and over again. Indigo Girls, Closer to Fine

For appreciating three sisters (I come from a trio sisterhood), they write, sing, and play all the instruments. All rock out, also all originally drummers. Also bass face. HAIM, Summer Girl

For when you want your ears to feel nostalgic and sexy at the same time. Also this man is so talented. Childish Gambino, Redbone