It’s so brave to share about mental illness. It truly takes a lot of strength and I hope you can recognize that in yourself. I know it can also be triggering to do so. I hope you’ve had an otherwise relaxing week.
Like you say, Mental illness is complex. It’s also relational. I find the relationship with the term to be a unique process. Recognizing mental illness can be empowering or avoidant. But also... not all suffering falls into the category of mental illness. After trauma or when in a problematic environment, the appropriate response, however debilitating may be depression and anxiety. I took meds twice, for about 2 months each time and found it wasn’t worth it. I self medicated for many years in a generally creative way which was much more beneficial. Largely because it was fun and social. I have been totally sober with no meds for about 5 years and honestly very well. Hard times for sure but only storms, not seasons.
I think a larger dose (still small but definitely in the tripping realm) with an honest question can help you find some answers. For example, “what do I want from mind altering substances?”
Anyway, it does sound like you’re tripping and I don’t think that matters. If you haven’t listened to/watched Hamilton Morris speak on the matter, I suggest you check it out.
I’ve found that the greater threshold for suffering/processing dysfunction, the less illness. Sometimes life is profoundly sad and that sadness needs to be properly honored and cultivated
Since I published this piece, I stopped taking the microdose of shrooms. Actually, I took it one more time and I didn't feel myself. I was telling my husband what you wrote to me in this comment, which has stuck with me for the past couple days: "Hard times for sure but only storms, not seasons." I think I'm seeing this same pattern now that I'm off the SSRIs. I would be pretty bad for weeks. When I get into it now, it doesn't seem to last and linger as long.
I have also been evaluating my threshold! Thank you for saying that. I started taking them when I had very bad postpartum depression. There was a break after my baby but I slid into it again and I was so afraid of feeling the same thing as before I just stayed on them. Now that I have no meds in my system, I am really trying to ride the wave of this feeling and tell myself this is how it is and how I'm meant to feel. No labeling it as bad and trying to shove it away. It's a work in progress.
I appreciate your very thoughtful comment and insights. Thank you, Amy.
I’m happy it resonated. I’ve been pretty blissful since my son (second child who’s 4 months old) and just started to feel off the last couple weeks. Without some sort of practice I know it would have spiraled but I find there’s always a lesson in it. This time it’s about creating beautiful moments and letting go of linear progression of the day. The practice involves me following instead of leading and letting myself be wrong as much as possible to stimulate new ways of perception
I stopped SSRIs last summer. It was really scary. Not just for me but for my family too.
I think I’m happier not taking them?
I feel the intense hard bits but I also feel it’s easier for me to access the intense good feelings too.
I received my autism diagnosis in November 2022 and realised this is where a lot of my anxiety comes from - unmet sensory needs - and I just feel a lot in general. I’m having much more patience and compassion with myself and that seems to be filling in the gap left from the meds.
Thank you for listening! The fear is real and thank you for sharing that. I know my husband was worried how I’d turn out too. I still feel extremely but I think the downward spiral and self loathing hasn’t lasted nearly as long as it used to. I’m still pretty new to being off them though, will have to wait and see.
The diagnosis must have been so eye opening! Maybe validating? I hope it gave you some peace and also brought on more curiosity.
Thank you for sharing your journey with mental illness, Stephanie. I liked listening to this post and actually responded to you out loud and nodded along when you talked about your experience with mushrooms at night—I've had similar scary experiences. Honouring your bravery to try new things and to keep exploring what works best for you on the journey.
Thank you for listening! This is really cool to hear that people choose to listen! It’s worth me re-recording myself a million times :) the mushrooms at night is never a good idea!!! Well, my husband had a blast but I wanted to wither away!
I love hearing the voice behind the words! It's a lovely way to connect more deeply. I can relate to needing to re-record a million times though 🫠 those are the days I wonder why I even record at all, but then again, the slip ups make it that much more human 🥰
It's all such a journey, right? Getting ourselves to an equilibrium that feels true - safe and sturdy. I run anxious so I can relate to a lot of the sentiments you share here. Because I am so diligent with my sobriety, I haven't considered microdosing, but I do know it is well researched in its benefits for mental health. Have you watched How to Change Your Mind on Netflix? Worth checking out!
Allison! You know what's funny? I thought I was the person who ran "depressed" and then one day my doc was like, yeaaaaah, you're super anxious and then sets you to depressed mode when you run out of anxious mode. I am very fortunate that my problem with alcohol is more nuanced so I can feel OK about trying something like mushrooms. I really just desire to have a sober mind. I don't seek mind altering right now which is why I was like WTF when things like this were happening on such a tiny dose. I have NOT seen this. I almost never watch movies or tv but I may have to make an exception for this! Thank you for sharing!
Looking for something to help with depression and anxiety feels like such a crap shoot. Antidepressants didn't work well for me, so I stopped taking them. I practiced tapping and meditation and they helped me process the trauma. Two years ago, I became so anxious and depressed that I became willing to try meds again. I started taking Celexa and it took away most of the anxiety but not the depression. I'm not taking Welbutrin, which helps with depression, and Trazadone which helps with sleep. Welbutrin only took 60% of the depression away, so I'm looking for something that can help with the rest.
Gina, thank you for sharing your experience with meds! You are absolutely spot on with that description: it’s a crapshoot!! I dislike the decisions, debating on switching to new meds, waiting to see if it works, then the decision to switch again and going over the same rigamarole again. The tapping is something I need to allow myself to do more but haven’t. It’s laziness. When I’m so low the last thing I want to do is tap myself all over! I hope you find something to help with both the depression and the anxiety.
I’ve come to accept we’re all a little neurodivergent to varying degrees. I’ve always been certain I could easily be diagnosed with ADHD, but why? We all kinda have it (yes, I know, I know, some worse than others). I personally don’t want to be prescribed something synthetic when it’s just that- an imitation of something that already exists in nature. Lions mane has been very helpful for my partner and me for the clarity and mood elevation and might have less trippy effects.
Stephanie you are one courageous soul, trying to solve the improbable resistance of mind and find healing suitable for your own individual need. I am stoked to have found you and follow you around to discover the possibilities that you unlock in your mental health journey. Stay blessed dear one. 💜🌼
First off you Stephanie, have an incredible command of language and I so admire that gift of yours. I'm fascinated by your journey and somehow I feel you'll ultimately find your answers, never stop questioning.
Dona, thank you so much for saying this very kind comment. I'm also ok with not having the answers. It's fun to just ponder and wonder sometimes. Curiosity keeps us all alive and interesting, doesn't it?
It’s so brave to share about mental illness. It truly takes a lot of strength and I hope you can recognize that in yourself. I know it can also be triggering to do so. I hope you’ve had an otherwise relaxing week.
Like you say, Mental illness is complex. It’s also relational. I find the relationship with the term to be a unique process. Recognizing mental illness can be empowering or avoidant. But also... not all suffering falls into the category of mental illness. After trauma or when in a problematic environment, the appropriate response, however debilitating may be depression and anxiety. I took meds twice, for about 2 months each time and found it wasn’t worth it. I self medicated for many years in a generally creative way which was much more beneficial. Largely because it was fun and social. I have been totally sober with no meds for about 5 years and honestly very well. Hard times for sure but only storms, not seasons.
I think a larger dose (still small but definitely in the tripping realm) with an honest question can help you find some answers. For example, “what do I want from mind altering substances?”
Anyway, it does sound like you’re tripping and I don’t think that matters. If you haven’t listened to/watched Hamilton Morris speak on the matter, I suggest you check it out.
I’ve found that the greater threshold for suffering/processing dysfunction, the less illness. Sometimes life is profoundly sad and that sadness needs to be properly honored and cultivated
💜
Since I published this piece, I stopped taking the microdose of shrooms. Actually, I took it one more time and I didn't feel myself. I was telling my husband what you wrote to me in this comment, which has stuck with me for the past couple days: "Hard times for sure but only storms, not seasons." I think I'm seeing this same pattern now that I'm off the SSRIs. I would be pretty bad for weeks. When I get into it now, it doesn't seem to last and linger as long.
I have also been evaluating my threshold! Thank you for saying that. I started taking them when I had very bad postpartum depression. There was a break after my baby but I slid into it again and I was so afraid of feeling the same thing as before I just stayed on them. Now that I have no meds in my system, I am really trying to ride the wave of this feeling and tell myself this is how it is and how I'm meant to feel. No labeling it as bad and trying to shove it away. It's a work in progress.
I appreciate your very thoughtful comment and insights. Thank you, Amy.
I’m happy it resonated. I’ve been pretty blissful since my son (second child who’s 4 months old) and just started to feel off the last couple weeks. Without some sort of practice I know it would have spiraled but I find there’s always a lesson in it. This time it’s about creating beautiful moments and letting go of linear progression of the day. The practice involves me following instead of leading and letting myself be wrong as much as possible to stimulate new ways of perception
Also not asking for help. That’s been helpful for me to see my strength
I really love listening to your posts 🙏🩷
I stopped SSRIs last summer. It was really scary. Not just for me but for my family too.
I think I’m happier not taking them?
I feel the intense hard bits but I also feel it’s easier for me to access the intense good feelings too.
I received my autism diagnosis in November 2022 and realised this is where a lot of my anxiety comes from - unmet sensory needs - and I just feel a lot in general. I’m having much more patience and compassion with myself and that seems to be filling in the gap left from the meds.
I’m glad I dared to stop
Thank you for listening! The fear is real and thank you for sharing that. I know my husband was worried how I’d turn out too. I still feel extremely but I think the downward spiral and self loathing hasn’t lasted nearly as long as it used to. I’m still pretty new to being off them though, will have to wait and see.
The diagnosis must have been so eye opening! Maybe validating? I hope it gave you some peace and also brought on more curiosity.
Thank you for sharing your journey with mental illness, Stephanie. I liked listening to this post and actually responded to you out loud and nodded along when you talked about your experience with mushrooms at night—I've had similar scary experiences. Honouring your bravery to try new things and to keep exploring what works best for you on the journey.
Thank you for listening! This is really cool to hear that people choose to listen! It’s worth me re-recording myself a million times :) the mushrooms at night is never a good idea!!! Well, my husband had a blast but I wanted to wither away!
I love hearing the voice behind the words! It's a lovely way to connect more deeply. I can relate to needing to re-record a million times though 🫠 those are the days I wonder why I even record at all, but then again, the slip ups make it that much more human 🥰
It's all such a journey, right? Getting ourselves to an equilibrium that feels true - safe and sturdy. I run anxious so I can relate to a lot of the sentiments you share here. Because I am so diligent with my sobriety, I haven't considered microdosing, but I do know it is well researched in its benefits for mental health. Have you watched How to Change Your Mind on Netflix? Worth checking out!
https://time.com/6196310/michael-pollan-interview-how-to-change-your-mind/
Allison! You know what's funny? I thought I was the person who ran "depressed" and then one day my doc was like, yeaaaaah, you're super anxious and then sets you to depressed mode when you run out of anxious mode. I am very fortunate that my problem with alcohol is more nuanced so I can feel OK about trying something like mushrooms. I really just desire to have a sober mind. I don't seek mind altering right now which is why I was like WTF when things like this were happening on such a tiny dose. I have NOT seen this. I almost never watch movies or tv but I may have to make an exception for this! Thank you for sharing!
Yeah, my anxiety has a depressive side to it that shoves its way in sometimes.
You’re not alone friend ❤️
Looking for something to help with depression and anxiety feels like such a crap shoot. Antidepressants didn't work well for me, so I stopped taking them. I practiced tapping and meditation and they helped me process the trauma. Two years ago, I became so anxious and depressed that I became willing to try meds again. I started taking Celexa and it took away most of the anxiety but not the depression. I'm not taking Welbutrin, which helps with depression, and Trazadone which helps with sleep. Welbutrin only took 60% of the depression away, so I'm looking for something that can help with the rest.
Gina, thank you for sharing your experience with meds! You are absolutely spot on with that description: it’s a crapshoot!! I dislike the decisions, debating on switching to new meds, waiting to see if it works, then the decision to switch again and going over the same rigamarole again. The tapping is something I need to allow myself to do more but haven’t. It’s laziness. When I’m so low the last thing I want to do is tap myself all over! I hope you find something to help with both the depression and the anxiety.
I hope you also find something to help. Mental health recovery is definitely part searching.
I’ve come to accept we’re all a little neurodivergent to varying degrees. I’ve always been certain I could easily be diagnosed with ADHD, but why? We all kinda have it (yes, I know, I know, some worse than others). I personally don’t want to be prescribed something synthetic when it’s just that- an imitation of something that already exists in nature. Lions mane has been very helpful for my partner and me for the clarity and mood elevation and might have less trippy effects.
Thank you for this comment. I think a lot of us writers seem to be in this realm... lots of feelings over here! Lions mane! So how do you consume it?
We get capsules and take two in the morning, which is a dose of 1000mg.
Stephanie you are one courageous soul, trying to solve the improbable resistance of mind and find healing suitable for your own individual need. I am stoked to have found you and follow you around to discover the possibilities that you unlock in your mental health journey. Stay blessed dear one. 💜🌼
Hi Swarnali! Thank you for commenting with this very kind note. I’m glad we found each other too.
First off you Stephanie, have an incredible command of language and I so admire that gift of yours. I'm fascinated by your journey and somehow I feel you'll ultimately find your answers, never stop questioning.
Dona, thank you so much for saying this very kind comment. I'm also ok with not having the answers. It's fun to just ponder and wonder sometimes. Curiosity keeps us all alive and interesting, doesn't it?