Can we stop our weird drinking culture?

Giving the boot on our alcohol-related projections

This piece is for you if: you’re sober curious, trying to cut back on drinking, wanting to stop for a period of time, or going through a sobriety program.

Last weekend, I had five friends over for an early birthday brunch time celebration.

We huddled around my kitchen counter, the day’s sunlight illuminating vases of flowers given to me in hues of whites, pinks, purples. We snacked on stinky goat cheese on salted round crackers, topped with sticky dates. We drank coffee, tea, and waters topped with a citrus wedge. It was bliss showered with laughter — and not a bottle of booze in sight.

A few days before, I sent a group text, titled, “Steph’s 40th, bitches!” confirming most of us don’t plan to drink. One friend hadn’t responded and asked early on in the party, why is no one drinking?

Like the bouquets around us, my friends bloomed with responses. One shared she’s born with one kidney. Another is powering through a new workout regimen with a sobriety coach. Then a 2-second moment of silence was broken by me.

“It makes me feel like shit.”

If you want to know more detail, I wrote about my relationship with alcohol last year. It’s simple. A few hours buzz is not worth the days or weeks feeling crud, to bleh, to a shell of myself. Nowadays I drink seldomly and choose carefully when I do it. Currently, it’s maybe 1x every 2-3 months.

Prior to last weekend’s party, I used to have this long explanation about how, “don’t get me wrong, I LOVE drinking but I just can’t anymore.” Or how “I’ve tried every single thing under the sun to feel good so I can keep drinking but it makes my depression worse.”

All the above reasons may be true in some aspects but I cut the clutter, Marie Kondo'ed my reasons. I have no need to prove my worth as a non-drinker.

“Don’t worry, guys!” I used to shout in my head when I enter a party. “I will not suck the life out of your shindig by drinking a club soda with lime!”

I’m done with thinking I need to make others feel comfortable about me not drinking. Upon reflection, this weird notion in my head was a program I created. Did anyone care? Maybe. Does it matter? No.

On the flip side, I used to feel threatened or weirded out by the person who doesn’t drink. I needed to look inward. Why did I care this person wasn’t drinking?

What I needed to do, but wasn’t ready for, was ask myself why it was important to drink.

I quit alcohol when Americans were at an all time high with it, during pandemic lockdowns. Ditching it seemed easier because I didn’t feel the pressure to try and prove my sobriety to anyone. My weakness and triggers to drink was social settings and, at the time, the extent of my social life was devouring In-N-Out with my family in the parking lot.

It seems droves of people are quitting the drink. I’ve seen it more over the last year in my own circles. I read younger people aren’t into it as much. I think we did all we can with drinking during the pandemic and have had enough.

Ina Garten in the morning.

To think of the decision to quit, or to fathom that change is not an easy feat in America. We live in an alcohol-forward society, rooted from this country’s fore fathers. Our country once banned it, bootlegged it, and hid it in bathtubs. Universities have been and still are breeding grounds for kegs and debauchery. College is where I started my co-dependent relationship with it. Then it evolved into drinking heavily with coworkers in various steps of my career. HR would mention the “perk” of beer carts through cubicle land, a slippery slope to boost employee morale. And mommy wine culture promotes washing away our worries with a few glasses of Cab.

Drinking with college friends several years after college.

Day drinking at a work event.

Drinks with coworkers after work.

I felt like death the day after this.

In triggering settings, it’s difficult to not give in.

For a period, drinking was fun for me. And so much of our culture encourages us to keep going, even when it’s no longer serving us. There’s a stigma around drinking, in dire need of a rebrand. The problem is systemic and, if you’re like me, the mental load we carry and everything we associate with drinking is invasive.

I give you permission to sip your mocktail, your ginger ale, your super duper fun hydrating water. I also give you permission to not feel bad about it, to not have to over-explain or explain at all why you’re not drinking.

Any judging from another party is only a projection. They have some sort of internal issue they need to work through and it doesn’t have to do with you. The same goes for anyone who drinks and feels uncomfortable to do so around the abstinent; any judging is a projection, too. Go on and enjoy your beverage.

I am saddened when friends tell me about their discomfort with being out in the real world as a non-drinker.

But let me leave you with this. Many of us are quitting sometimes, trying to put it to the side for awhile, or done with it. We may not be flaunting our decision to hold off on the booze because it’s still sometimes taboo to be the non drinker. But you’re allowed to take a pause without judgment.

NON ALCOHOLIC RESOURCES:

• A big time investor quit, even though he’s not happy about it. Same, same.

• America has a drinking problem, published in The Atlantic.

• Fun non alcoholic drinks I have tried and like and keep at our house:

  • HOP WTR: has the hoppy flavor without the hangover!

  • Poppi: it has prebiotics and TBH I am too lazy to understand what that means but the marketing worked on me because I feel like I’m getting some benefit when I have zero clue what that is.

  • Get a soda stream so you’re not wasteful: you can add those alcoholic flavors to it, garnish with citrus and mint or jalapeno, etc.

• Breaking The Booze Habit, Even Briefly, Has Its Benefits in NPR.

• Reimagine Your Relationship to Alcohol in NYT.

• Not a resource, just wanted to say that my favorite thing about not drinking is waking up and not feeling hungover!

• P.S. When I go out to dinner, I have zero regrets or guilt about ordering ALL THE DESSERTS.

• P.P.S. During my 40th, my husband and friend enjoyed some lovely Mezcal.