Do we need to hate ourselves a little?
Tell me I'm not the only one who thinks this + resources for paid subscribers on how to hate yourself less
A few weeks ago, I found myself drowning in negative thoughts about myself. I explored this months ago in a previous post called What’s your worth as I pursued writing and other creative outlets. I was doing ok for a bit.
But the little devil voice is back. In my new endeavors, the reality of making a fraction of money has sunk deeper, the idea of success is murky.
Working with a solid coach and doing all the work has improved my self talk. I know I’m more than my job, readers, listeners, views, subscribers, and the goal salary I may never achieve. I’m even more than being a mother and wife and friend. Intellectually, I know all this. But the truth is it’s hard to believe I’m worth a damn sometimes.
Do not pity me. These feelings are real and my hope is that, maybe, just maybe…
Deep down inside, you think this, too?
I know what I’m supposed to think. My worth makes sense when I analyze it, in piles of self-help literature and the gratitude journals I fill out daily. I know what it means when it’s displayed to me in catchy inspirational reels on the Internet. Really, I get it.
A Kurt Vonnegut quote says the point of life is experiencing it, not necessarily being the best at any one thing. This resonates. But a good quote still can’t save me from my self hatred.
No matter how hard I try, or how high or low the day, a sliver of self doubt and self loathing seem to linger. Sometimes I just feel like a piece of shit. And I’m beginning to think that’s just normal and par for the course.
Some days, the scale is tipping over with the negative talk. A very good day means 5 percent of me still hates myself. It never leaves.
Is it so bad I hate myself a little, at all times? Perhaps this feeling is what has shaped me and pumped me full of grit. What if this little tinge of negativity I hold onto has carved my personality? I don’t think I can ever silence the little hate I have for myself completely.
How about I leave it there and just keep going?
“Self-doubt can show us what our truth is: that we can do hard things, and even if we fail, we tried, and we are still worthy. We can't sit idle in our lives and think that things will magically align and be fixed for us. We have to show up and do the work. We have to trust that we are more than capable and deserving of being the change we want to see in our lives.” - Alex Elle
P.S. I go over a bit of this topic in a previous Real Mother Fuckers podcast episode called working while mothering.
Paid subscribers, check out a list of resources I created for you below on how to hate yourself a little less! Basically, I’d put these under the category of self-help.
I’ve read or consumed each one. It’s a mix of books, articles, videos, memes, quotes. Pretend it’s Hometown Buffet and pile on what seems tasty for your soul!
I don’t believe in coincidences anymore. Shortly after writing this post, I listened to this episode featuring Caroline Winkler from Not for Everyone podcast on negative self talk. It spoke to me and maybe it will for you as well.
Hitomi Mochizuki is a huge YouTuber I started following less than a year ago. She’s in her 20s, single and no kids — nothing like my profile — however, I resonate with a lot of what she says and does. Lots of raw thoughts on self talk, being empowered by your emotions, and great practices on living life. I loved this video, I think I watched it twice.
A solid newsletter from the author of Atomic Habits. James Clear sends a great newsletter that has 3 quotes or ideas from him that make you think. He then shares 1-2 quotes from someone else. And ends with questions to ask yourself. Here’s one I liked from a newsletter in May:
"One of the most valuable skills in life is being able to see another person's perspective.
If you're going to someone's house, think about how it might feel to be the host. If you're creating a product, spend as much time as possible thinking like the customer. If you're calling customer service, think about how it might feel to be on the other end of the conversation.
The more clearly you understand the viewpoint of your spouse or customer or coworker, the better positioned you are to find a solution."
Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s book The Conscious Parent changed my outlook on being a mother. In my opinion, it is the most beautiful way to look at parenting. For us to be the best parent we can be, we must have the courage to transform ourselves. Warning, the book is sort of repetitive but I finished it so there had to be something to the repetition for me to keep going with it.
The IG account Positively Present has great quotes to make you think. I would call my husband a natural optimist while I’m a natural pessimist (which, by the way, I hate. TYPICAL!) The other day on our walk I saw glowing flowers in the middle of weeds and he noticed I noticed the good among the “bad.”
Luisa Skinner’s substack/newsletter, called Salted. She writes pieces aimed at the midlife creatives. I loved her piece recently called A refusal to feel rushed. This quote resonated with me, a lot, especially as I am conscious of creating more boundaries around my time on the Internet and social media, which is where my work and creative pursuits live. How do I not shit where I eat?!
And while those of us who have jumped firmly from the social media ship of non-stop cabaret, bright disco lights and twenty four hour gluttonous content scrolling buffets are left reeling (pun totally intended) by this new onslaught of online possibility, let’s all just take a flipping breath.
I recommend you listen to or read these books (although they are pretty similar so just pick one): The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and Everything Is F*cked. Mark Manson writes 9 steps to hate yourself less. I do all of these! And I still hate myself sometimes!
Self-hate is what naturally happens when we spend any time examining ourselves - because we are all flawed humans so we see flaws. In response, I find a measure of detachment and self-ridicule really healing. Like, I’m a dingus but that’s ok because so is everyone else and at least I know it
Hey Stephanie, I'm sure many of us, if not all, can resonate with the feelings of self-hatred. I sure do and I'm with you on using it as fuel and channeling those negative thoughts into the greater good. I've found myself lately in a spiral of comparison which then makes me turn on myself. It's not easy to get out of at times but we are all only here trying our best and that's what counts :) x