You’ve uttered what I’ve been suspecting: all the talk about this space being “different!” and “better!” in terms of social media—might just be a different colored lipstick on the pig.
I know. I've tried to convince myself it is different. And maybe it is for others but, for me, when I come down to the brass tacks of it all. It feels the same for me. It is a better place for gathering more mindful thoughts and creativity and inspiration but it has the same addictive value for me.
One hundred percent. I feel less guilty about what I’m consuming here, but I feel similar addictive pulls and I also witness a lot of jockeying for clout, too. Human nature, maybe? Maybe this happens wherever we go?
Social media is social media. Substack is social media. I’m guilty of thinking it might be different. Great reflection on loneliness when you’re fully immersed in connections
That’s powerful. It made me think about the lies I tell myself when I’m lonely and disconnected—that it’s because there’s something wrong with me. But the truth is we’re all lonely at times, and it’s not because we’re bad but because our society has made it harder than ever to truly connect. It’s hard, not because I’m doing it wrong but because it’s just hard.
But it’s not impossible, and I think I can see how feeling that loneliness can even push us to make that effort of real life connection. It’s okay for the pendulum to swing.
Everything you said. EVERYTHING YOU SAID! It's hard because it's just hard. It's easy to blame our younger generation and tell them to get off their phones but it's not that easy, especially when they grew up that way. It's OK for the pendulum to swing. Yes yes. Thank you for commenting.
🙏🏼🙏🏼 yes yes yes. so appreciate you articulating all this. dopamine is dopamine at the end of the day. The idea that this space is not creating that feedback loop is just not true, although I also too wish that space could exist for creatives but it simply can’t. I’ve been experimenting with parameters with myself around this, especially when I noticed the reaching to check it first thing in the morning. That was my tell. Thanks again, Stephanie. I love the unflinching way you write.
Kaitlyn. How did I miss this comment until now?!? Thank you for saying this and I’m feeling it right now again, even though it’s been a month since I wrote this. Also this line about my work?! Thank youuuu: “I love the unflinching way you write.”
A community maker?! Wow, I love that description. I think I aim to talk about things happening with me and it often happens with so many other people. Let's all talk about it together!
So sad. That’s what number obsession does to us all at one time or another - disconnect, same goes for likes, shares, and so on. That’s the shadow side of this virtual ‘connection’. Everyone starts up optimistically and hopeful, but it ends up a justification of some sort for doing what we are doing. I am yet to find a healthy way of doing this online stuff…
It's why all these tech companies are making such massive amounts of money. Have you read Ted Goia's piece on the state of our culture? It's all so frightening and sad but true. I think the best way to approach it (I'm finding for myself) is that it's a constant work in progress, it's a constant honest discussion with yourself, and lots of messing up and then climbing out of the vortex, to start all over again.
I think this is one of my favourite pieces of yours, Stephanie. I feel like I say that a lot (or at least think it 🤣). I can really relate to the loneliness, now and in my childhood as well. I just wrote about my experience with a one week reading deprivation as part of The Artist's Way, and I did a complete detox from reading anything (Substack, social media, and physical books included). It was super enlightening to take a step back for a week.
Kaitlyn!!!! This comment makes me incredibly happy. I am doing the artist's way too but I didn't do the week of deprivation! I couldn't do it! I am going to read your piece. You know what's crazy? I'm too scared to not read or be online and that sounds like it could be the easiest physical thing. Just don't do it! But that's not how addiction works, I guess :)
It's so fricken hard!! I even caught myself breaking my promise to myself that came after the reading deprivation (not to use my phone in bed) last night. I brought my phone into my room because I knew I had to get up early and I had set an alarm, and I was deep into a mindless scroll when I jumped up and said out loud, "What am I doing?!" 🤣🫠 The habit is hard to break. I feel you.
Oooof this one hit very close to home… I’m so curious to know how you do find the balance as I’m really dancing with this at the moment… feels like one big experiment at the moment.
Loneliness has been with me my whole life but never more than the last few years in motherhood… or maybe it’s just that you can’t hide away or run away from it when you are taking care of little beings.
Your comment made me wonder too. The balance. Because I don't have it! Do you know what I think of when I think of the word balance? How long can someone balance on one leg? Not that long. I feel like the majority of the time I'm swinging one way or the other. I actually asked this in Notes earlier... I wanted to know what other people's boundaries are on Substack. Here it is if you want to take a look with what helps others: https://substack.com/@stephaniecooley/note/c-50897654
My teenage nephew used to live with us and I remember he had a few friends over and I passed his room with his door open and all of them were 2 feet away from each other and you can guess what they were all doing. It definitely was not interacting with each other!
Thank you, Allison. We are alone. together! Ha. How much is that phone pulling you away from the kids!? That's the worst. And the guilt that comes from it. Oh boy. Another issue, guilt!
The screen time is for sure at the top of my guilt list/grievance list as to how it interrupts our connecting. I moan about how addicted my kids are to their devices but mine has such a pull on me, too! Grrrrr 😖
Thanks for sharing this. I grew up with no devices and it was such a blessing for being present and human.
Our devices and the subsequent dopamine is such an important topic (contributor) in the realm of our loneliness. I keep saying there are no algorithms here so it must be safer but yes it is equally addictive. Maybe ill take app off my phone if I find it distracting me too much or making me feel worse.
I wrote a piece on the lost art of human connection recently and Dr Vivek Murthy’s work…
Algorithm or not, we have been sucked in. I am considering taking the app off my phone too. I also decided to not respond to any comments over the weekend. It helped this weekend. I am taking a look at your piece!
Try being an Asian kid who loved country music and musical theatre at a school where you were supposed to like Cantopop or Alanis. I didn’t become remotely cool until I went all Lilith Fair.
A second comment (yikes feeding the dopamine addiction) to add that your desire to be seen and understood is so human. We all want to connect and be valued, and Substack has that shiny lure. I recently relearned why social media is bad for me too because I also learn the hard way. Navigating how to share creativity and your voice is more difficult than it seems.
Thank you for giving words to the tension of writing. Right there with you.
Thank you, Emily! The desire to be seen and understood is definitely what got me here. I got it and then I wanted more! I can't blame myself for being human. I'm glad you resonated.
You’ve uttered what I’ve been suspecting: all the talk about this space being “different!” and “better!” in terms of social media—might just be a different colored lipstick on the pig.
I know. I've tried to convince myself it is different. And maybe it is for others but, for me, when I come down to the brass tacks of it all. It feels the same for me. It is a better place for gathering more mindful thoughts and creativity and inspiration but it has the same addictive value for me.
One hundred percent. I feel less guilty about what I’m consuming here, but I feel similar addictive pulls and I also witness a lot of jockeying for clout, too. Human nature, maybe? Maybe this happens wherever we go?
Social media is social media. Substack is social media. I’m guilty of thinking it might be different. Great reflection on loneliness when you’re fully immersed in connections
That’s powerful. It made me think about the lies I tell myself when I’m lonely and disconnected—that it’s because there’s something wrong with me. But the truth is we’re all lonely at times, and it’s not because we’re bad but because our society has made it harder than ever to truly connect. It’s hard, not because I’m doing it wrong but because it’s just hard.
But it’s not impossible, and I think I can see how feeling that loneliness can even push us to make that effort of real life connection. It’s okay for the pendulum to swing.
Thank you for sharing this 🥹
Everything you said. EVERYTHING YOU SAID! It's hard because it's just hard. It's easy to blame our younger generation and tell them to get off their phones but it's not that easy, especially when they grew up that way. It's OK for the pendulum to swing. Yes yes. Thank you for commenting.
Such introspection (I think that's the word)! I have total confidence you'll figure out whatever is thrown your way.
Yes that's the word! Thanks, Dona!
Hey! You talkin’ to me!? Signed, lonely around all of these people, who call me wife and mom. 😊
Thanks for subscribing!
I am talkin to you! And a lot of us are feeling this way, all together. Yet all alone! Looking forward to reading more of your work!
🙏🏼🙏🏼 yes yes yes. so appreciate you articulating all this. dopamine is dopamine at the end of the day. The idea that this space is not creating that feedback loop is just not true, although I also too wish that space could exist for creatives but it simply can’t. I’ve been experimenting with parameters with myself around this, especially when I noticed the reaching to check it first thing in the morning. That was my tell. Thanks again, Stephanie. I love the unflinching way you write.
Kaitlyn. How did I miss this comment until now?!? Thank you for saying this and I’m feeling it right now again, even though it’s been a month since I wrote this. Also this line about my work?! Thank youuuu: “I love the unflinching way you write.”
Your honesty is such a community maker. So painfully relatable.
A community maker?! Wow, I love that description. I think I aim to talk about things happening with me and it often happens with so many other people. Let's all talk about it together!
Loneliness and solitude are two different things. Loneliness is not chosen, but solitude is, hence it feels safe as it is conscious
Agree! After cultivating an early adult life around people so I don't feel lonely, I felt the beauty of solitude. It's what fuels me now.
So sad. That’s what number obsession does to us all at one time or another - disconnect, same goes for likes, shares, and so on. That’s the shadow side of this virtual ‘connection’. Everyone starts up optimistically and hopeful, but it ends up a justification of some sort for doing what we are doing. I am yet to find a healthy way of doing this online stuff…
It's why all these tech companies are making such massive amounts of money. Have you read Ted Goia's piece on the state of our culture? It's all so frightening and sad but true. I think the best way to approach it (I'm finding for myself) is that it's a constant work in progress, it's a constant honest discussion with yourself, and lots of messing up and then climbing out of the vortex, to start all over again.
It’s non-stop inner work, every day 🙏
I think this is one of my favourite pieces of yours, Stephanie. I feel like I say that a lot (or at least think it 🤣). I can really relate to the loneliness, now and in my childhood as well. I just wrote about my experience with a one week reading deprivation as part of The Artist's Way, and I did a complete detox from reading anything (Substack, social media, and physical books included). It was super enlightening to take a step back for a week.
Kaitlyn!!!! This comment makes me incredibly happy. I am doing the artist's way too but I didn't do the week of deprivation! I couldn't do it! I am going to read your piece. You know what's crazy? I'm too scared to not read or be online and that sounds like it could be the easiest physical thing. Just don't do it! But that's not how addiction works, I guess :)
It's so fricken hard!! I even caught myself breaking my promise to myself that came after the reading deprivation (not to use my phone in bed) last night. I brought my phone into my room because I knew I had to get up early and I had set an alarm, and I was deep into a mindless scroll when I jumped up and said out loud, "What am I doing?!" 🤣🫠 The habit is hard to break. I feel you.
Oooof this one hit very close to home… I’m so curious to know how you do find the balance as I’m really dancing with this at the moment… feels like one big experiment at the moment.
Loneliness has been with me my whole life but never more than the last few years in motherhood… or maybe it’s just that you can’t hide away or run away from it when you are taking care of little beings.
A beautifully honest post, thank you. Xx
Your comment made me wonder too. The balance. Because I don't have it! Do you know what I think of when I think of the word balance? How long can someone balance on one leg? Not that long. I feel like the majority of the time I'm swinging one way or the other. I actually asked this in Notes earlier... I wanted to know what other people's boundaries are on Substack. Here it is if you want to take a look with what helps others: https://substack.com/@stephaniecooley/note/c-50897654
Being right next to someone yet feeling totally alone as you’re absorbed in separate worlds…definitely a thing!
My teenage nephew used to live with us and I remember he had a few friends over and I passed his room with his door open and all of them were 2 feet away from each other and you can guess what they were all doing. It definitely was not interacting with each other!
This is so raw and so real. Thank you.
I also find safety in solitude. And I’m learning that is ok. Tip toeing towards acceptance.
My phone pulls me away, too. Way too easily. Too often.
You’re not alone in your loneliness 💕 thanks for writing this
Thank you, Allison. We are alone. together! Ha. How much is that phone pulling you away from the kids!? That's the worst. And the guilt that comes from it. Oh boy. Another issue, guilt!
The screen time is for sure at the top of my guilt list/grievance list as to how it interrupts our connecting. I moan about how addicted my kids are to their devices but mine has such a pull on me, too! Grrrrr 😖
I rarely swear online but this is fucking spot on.Wish I'd had the guts to write it.
Hehe, I feel honored that I prompted you to cuss online when you don't really cuss online :)
Gorgeous reflection. Stay strong and keep those boundaries 💙💙💙
Thank you! I will keep trying with the boundaries!
Thanks for sharing this. I grew up with no devices and it was such a blessing for being present and human.
Our devices and the subsequent dopamine is such an important topic (contributor) in the realm of our loneliness. I keep saying there are no algorithms here so it must be safer but yes it is equally addictive. Maybe ill take app off my phone if I find it distracting me too much or making me feel worse.
I wrote a piece on the lost art of human connection recently and Dr Vivek Murthy’s work…
Algorithm or not, we have been sucked in. I am considering taking the app off my phone too. I also decided to not respond to any comments over the weekend. It helped this weekend. I am taking a look at your piece!
Try being an Asian kid who loved country music and musical theatre at a school where you were supposed to like Cantopop or Alanis. I didn’t become remotely cool until I went all Lilith Fair.
Love that you live to your own beat!
A second comment (yikes feeding the dopamine addiction) to add that your desire to be seen and understood is so human. We all want to connect and be valued, and Substack has that shiny lure. I recently relearned why social media is bad for me too because I also learn the hard way. Navigating how to share creativity and your voice is more difficult than it seems.
Thank you for giving words to the tension of writing. Right there with you.
Thank you, Emily! The desire to be seen and understood is definitely what got me here. I got it and then I wanted more! I can't blame myself for being human. I'm glad you resonated.