OFFLINE things that turn me ON

a lil friday fluff for ya

My morning groove is like spreading Kerrygold butter on golden brown toasted sourdough bread with a sprinkle of salt on top.

It’s no frills, with high quality basics, and worth every bite when executed right.

I wake up at 5 a.m. with the help of my analog alarm clock because I try very hard to leave my phone in the living room (not always a success but it’s been pretty good lately)… and then I walk in my neighborhood in the dark.

After my 1.25 mile walk, I handwrite 3 full pages of stream of conscious journaling. I may not have a morning poop but I flush out a whole lot more onto a leather black journal I bought at Walgreens.

The hardest thing about my morning isn’t waking up early. It’s keeping the promise to myself that I won’t look at my phone until after this ritual is done. I also wait until I see my kids wake up, and I drink my first cup of coffee.

It’s a game — I lose a lot but sometimes I win. How long can I last without looking at my phone? The longer I delay looking at it, the better my days seem to turn out.

Here are 7 offline things I’ve done lately that make me feel… I don’t want to say happy. Well, sometimes, it does make me happy but that really isn’t my goal most days. I want to feel content. I want to be good in my skin. A mind hug is nice. And this is often achieved by doing things away from the Internet, apps, my laptop, and phone, and chatgpt, and google’s AI overview (which I’m not mad at, thank you, robot lords, for serving me a summary of my dumb google searches!)

1. Pet my pussycat and subsequently got an itch. I had to write this subtitle, it was too easy and fun. Anyway, it’s literally about my calico cat! Say hi to Fishy. My kids and I were in my walk-in closet petting our cute cat when my daughter all of a sudden said “what’s this?” as she pinched her two fingers together. We look down and she squeals and flicks a tick away from her. But where did it go?! After searching all over my carpet for it so we can get rid of it, we gave up. Meanwhile, I’m praying the little bugger is gone. Ten minutes later we brush our teeth and I spot a darkish reddish creepy crawly on the top of my hair and gaaaaaaah. As I tried to fall asleep that night, any slight itch sent me scratching to make sure it wasn’t a blood sucker latched onto me. I’m still itchy thinking of it.

2. Listened to the colors in my heart. This is what my kids’ teachers tell their students during each watercolor painting lesson, which is code for “shut your traps, tiny people! Silencio!” I can always count on my kids’ schoolteachers to say it the Waldorf¹ way, which is gentle, and exactly the opposite of how I talk at home. Thank god for them because my kids need balance. Each week, I help during the painting lesson and I get to paint, too. I seal my lips together while I watch the liquid color leave the bristles and onto my wet paper. This is therapy. I almost said it’s like therapy but it just is.

3. Read smut in the dark while eating crackers in bed. I’m reading several books right now, like I typically do. One on sleep, another on developmental stages of teen girls², and another one on… faery³ fantasy. The genre is called romantasy because it’s romance, it’s fantasy, and it’s buff faery dudes? My partner was away this last week while I dove into the book and I discovered something about myself. WOW DO I LOVE TO EAT CRUNCHY THINGS UNDER MY SHEETS?! I tucked my kids away for the night, grabbed a box of “healthy” cheez-its and I started the smut, which has swept the minds and fantasies of women across the country. I’m 60ish pages in, it’s ok so far, slow to start. It better get spicier soon.

4. Experimented with my outfit, two gay men complimented it, and I felt like 1000 bucks even though the outfit cost $50. This means I’m winning at life, yah? Who knew wearing an old camouflage print T-shirt underneath an old brown plaid blazer would spark so much thrill in my day? Got them both at vintage stores. To clarify, I did not thrift them. There’s a difference. I hardly go to thrift stores because they take too much time to sift through and find the good stuff. I’d rather pay extra for someone else to go through people’s unwanted things for me and curate them into an aesthetically pleasing vintage store so I can overpay for their time. That’s money well spent, in my opinion.

I keep thinking, if I cut them small, I will eat less. I end up eating more small pieces.

5. Made a mochi cake 6 times in 2 weeks because I have no willpower. I memorized the recipe after making it the first time and I’ve been making and eating and sharing slices with friends and family. If you reach out to me and ask me to make it for you, there’s a good chance I will. Or make it yourself! Mix in a bowl, dry ingredients: 1.5 cups sweet rice flour, .5 cup sugar (or less, if you’re like me!), .5 teaspoon baking powder, .5 salt + wet ingredients: 2 eggs, 1 can coconut milk, .25 coconut oil. Bake in oven 350 degrees in an 8 inch pan for 45 minutes.

6. Talked to my sisters on the phone. This is nothing special except to remind you to call your siblings for no good reason.

7. Opened my pantry to spot the cutest valentine my son received at school. This gremlin makes me happy!

What offline things turn you on?

1. An alternative approach to education.

2. Reach out to me if you want to know the names of these two books. I purposely didn’t write them down because I wanted this to be link free and not send you on another path through the Internet maze. Thanks for the idea,

Heather Casper

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3. Is it fairy or faery? When I read about this genre of books, it’s typically written with the letter E. According to google, "faerie" is a pseudo-archaic term often used in fantasy literature to evoke a more traditional or serious tone.