Sorry, I was on mute.

how to do things that scare you + how I'm working to find my voice

Here’s a dichotomy. When I was in school as a kid I loved to volunteer to read aloud, even if it was from a boring textbook. However, when it came to answering the teacher’s question or saying something aloud from my own mind, nope, you’ll find me in the corner crouching down next to my ego.

I loved to hear my own voice in front of an audience when reading a book because I found comfort in not screwing it up; after all, I was reciting someone else’s words. Not mine.

An entire adult life later, I’ve been battling that conundrum ever since, which sounds completely ridiculous because…

I was in PR and communications! I have a podcast! I write! I’m working on the copy of my website and the freaking header says that I’m a “storyteller”! Yet, here I am questioning how to find and share my physical and verbal voice, whether it’s in front of a camera, in a business meeting, in a deep discussion with my husband, in front of a class with my peers, or with my kids.

I tend to go in two extreme ways.

Earlier this week, when my husband and I were hashing out a problem, I did this squirrelly thing with my voice, panicked and cried. It’s a lousy tactic by acting erratic to shock my husband into listening. Why do I do that?!

But when I have a public audience and a platform to talk I freeze up like a coward. I’m in my head and the actual words that need to come out of my mouth do not come out. Or I stumble, stutter, or I don’t say what is truly on my mind.

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I started to mute myself when I was a kid.

Growing up, we didn’t have room to express ourselves with our parents, particularly our dad. There was a huge cultural divide between him and my sisters. He was an immigrant from the Philippines afraid of raising 3 girls in a patriarchal world (my interpretation, he would never verbalize it that way). Meanwhile, I just wanted to be a normal American kid. I remember watching TV shows where kids could express how they feel to their parents, hash out their misunderstandings in one sweep of an episode. I seriously used to wonder if this utopia family moment actually happened in other homes.

Do you remember those TV scenes where the teenage girl yells at her parents and says something like “I don’t want to talk about it!” and then she slams the door, leans her back on the shut door, and then falls her butt to the ground crying?

I remember thinking, WHAT?! They can yell at their parents!? They can just walk away? They can SHUT THE DOOR ON THEIR PARENTS?!?!?!

I wanted so badly to be able to scream my feelings and shut the damn door, too.

But no. When you live with an authoritarian father, he doesn’t care about your feelings. We got verbal beatdowns. Then he would ask us to speak, to explain ourselves when we did something “wrong.” It was a game of calculation. I would sit there and agonize over what to say to survive under the rules of my father. What can I say so I will not be punished as badly and lesson the mental prison I am about to endure and be stuck with interrogation for possibly the next 2 hours with this man?

Often, I’d lie to lesson the blow. I’d just say whatever I had to say to get out of the situation. Or I would shut down and not say anything at all. Silence was better than anything else with my dad sometimes.

And now here I am wondering what to do with that voice.

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There is no use in wallowing in my childhood. It is what it was but it’s necessary to understand the root so I can help myself today.

My longing to be heard comes out in odd and concerning ways.

A work in progress, I have a reactivity problem with my kids, which is just a more polite way to say that I snap at them. I have found myself cornering them, watching them want to hide from me, but I kept them there in my rage as I yelled at them out of frustration that they didn’t listen to me the first two times I told them to do something. It sucks to see that I did what my dad did to me, to my own kids. All I have to say is that I’m still working on it.

I am trying to give myself more opportunities to speak my mind in a more healthy, authentic way. I no longer want to hole myself up, nor do I want to burst out at my loved ones in desperation to be heard.

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can you spot me?!

I started a yoga teacher training program last week.

I haven’t been in a class-style setting in a long time and I was faced with my old childhood fear. Each time there was an opportunity to share in front of the class, my instinct was to make myself small and hide.

Instead, I decided to dart my hand up even though I was terrified to speak. I knew if I didn’t push myself to do it, I’d sit in overthinking mode and be increasingly more afraid to say something.

This makes me think of one of my favorite influencers, Caroline Winkler. She posted a video last year that I think everyone should watch. It’s called “how to become a CONFIDENT B*TCH.” and ever since I watched it, I decided this is how I want to be.

She admits she is insecure but has one particularly good skill when it comes to doing things that she wants to do but is scared to do: she separates her mental experience from her physical experience. She explains that you don’t technically need confidence you just have to have the “physical ability to do the physical thing and the rest will take care of itself.” Instead of worrying about how to get something done, she says focus on the “micro physical steps” to do the damn thing.

Ok, got it.

Afraid to share my thoughts in class? Just raise my hand and let the words flow out!

Afraid to start a podcast? Get a microphone and a computer and start talking.

Afraid to have my peers see me lead a yoga class? Start by saying inhale. On day 1 of training, our teachers challenged us to teach the class how to go from one pose to the next one. I was terrified. But I just pushed myself to say the first word. None of it came out pretty and the rest of my group was way better than my own instruction but I did it. I can’t help but think that every time I push myself to do the scary thing I get a little bit better.

Here’s what I tell myself when I’m feeling afraid.

Physically just do it. Raise your hand. Say yes before you’ve realized you’ve sunk down deep in the abyss of overthinking and consequently never do it.

Honestly, many times during my podcast I didn’t say what I wanted to say but I have to believe that when I put myself out there the next time, I will just get better at it, even though it makes me so uncomfortable.

Each time we hit record, I find more of that voice I had been shoving away for so long. The only way I can find my voice is to let it out more often.

Technically, I can live a life where I do not speak or share my stories in public. I didn’t have to start writing this newsletter. I didn’t have to start a podcast. I didn’t have to enroll in yoga teacher training.

Honestly, when I signed up for these things, I wasn’t thinking, cool, this will help my lifelong issue of feeling like I’m not being heard. It was probably my subconscious giving me the gift of blinders because it wasn’t until I actually had to do it, I was like WHAT THE F*CK?! THIS IS SCARY.

When I know it’s scary for me and I’m going to be drowning in my own thoughts and overthinking, I just physically raise my hand and hope for the best of what comes out next.

Tell me. What scares you? Are you afraid of public speaking too? It’s super common. I’d love to hear if you have other advice on how to do the thing that scares you!