Yoga class is the only public speaking (for entire 75 minutes) in my life I don’t feel stressed out (I still get a bit nervous but that’s different feeling). I’m so excited for your journey and please keep us posted!!!
Wow, that is pretty amazing you have your one public venue you feel good about it. I am soooo far from that. But I’m only in the beginning of the training so we will see if that changes!
Doing it more with my family for practice will be very good for me and then I will more comfortably branch out. Oh gosh, it’s so exhausting to practice the thing that scares me!
Lots of relatable stuff here. I realized when I was working in an office during meetings (which is not really that long ago) I would sort of overcompensate by speaking up all the time. And what I mean by overcompensate is trying not to fall into the stereotypes of Asians being quiet, being a follower, not a leader, being a good worker bee. I'm not an extroverted person so this was exhausting!
Wow that’s awesome you did that! Just breaking Asian stereotypes one office meeting at a time! I’m an extroverted person and yet have this problem? It makes no sense. once i know all the people are watching me or I’m being recorded I’m a different person! We were at a big parent meeting tonight for my kid’s class and I’ve known these people for 3+ years but when we gathered in a meeting setting I was nervous to speak all over again. Gah, I don’t think the pit in the stomach feeling goes away and I need to be ok with that
Oh this landed with me big time - such resonance. As a kid, all of my teacher comments on report cards said, “great student, produces terrific work. Shy and quiet. Allison should work on participating more in class”. I was your classic wallflower.
And even today at 45 years old, I describe myself as “better with the written word than spoken word”. I still find it sooo hard to speak up.
And when I peel it all back, like you, the root of it is childhood conditioning. I never felt I could speak up - b/c I didn’t want to be needy. My mom was a single parent who I knew was struggling, I was the youngest child and never wanted to rock the boat (until my teens - oh damn I rebelled).
Thanks for your honesty here. This is a beautiful piece. I see my attachment wounds playing out in how I react to my kids when I’m triggered, too. I think the fact that we can see it and name it helps shift things. 🫶 And we always have the gift of repair.
And so awesome that you’re getting yoga teacher training/certified! 🙌🏻
This is so cool you resonated with this because you are a lawyer! Do you have to speak up a lot in your profession as a lawyer?! Wow your childhood circumstances were so much different and yet we are still in a similar spot with feeling afraid of speaking up. Oh my god I was the youngest too and also my teens were so rebellious!
The part about our kids! I honestly didn’t really feel like I had a problem with my reaction to people or my communication style until I had them.
Love the phrase gift of repair. Thanks for that reminder!
I deliberately chose an area of law where I don’t have to speak up publicly (or in court). I’m NOT a litigator. I specialize in real estate law which generally has me dealing amicably with opposing counsel (usually by email) and my clients directly. About buying or selling a house. It can get emotional but tends to be pretty cookie cutter.
I love that we had such different upbringings yet we both have resonance with so much of this sorta thing.
Really enjoyed the audio of this, Stephanie. I so relate to what you say about wanting to be the one to read aloud in class! I don't know that I have the experience of not wanting to share my own work (as a young person) but definitely understand that when I look at my daughter's now.
Ooh I love it when I hear someone listened to the audio! Each week I wonder, will anyone listen?! I love that you noticed that about your daughter. It’s interesting to watch, it’s even more interesting to see how they navigate it. And even more interesting to see what we decide to do about it or let them be and watch them navigate it!
This is too real! And you're absolutely right about starting before you're ready. I'm still learning to find my voice on Substack and have found that, bit by bit, I'm getting better. I'm getting clearer. I'm honing the message and the style and all the things. And like our first day of YTT, I look back sometimes like, "Yikes, that wasn't great." But I (we) did it. And it was courageous. And that matters.
I totally did the door slamming thing. I think I was a normal teen in the 90s who just happened to be a child of immigrants. I didn’t (and still don’t) get many of the experiences other kids of immigrant parents had and sometimes feel shamed (especially now that affinity groups and DE&I are en vogue) for it. I mean, boundaries are more of an issue than most Anglo-Protestant/Anglo-Protestant adjacent families (note that I use that term rather than “Canadian” or “White.” I do that for a reason), but that’s more or less the only thing. Other than not being able to explore athletics and other things a bit more back in high school thanks to my grandmother’s beliefs about girls and sports. I think boundaries were the reason why my parents didn’t encourage me as much as they should have!
I really enjoy reading about your different perspective on your childhood. I am fascinated by the use of language, how we all use it differently. All I grew up with were boundaries, big big walls narrowly around me. Often felt suffocated by the strict nature of our upbringing. I don't blame my parents anymore and I am still dealing with the after affects of this parenting style. I'm sure my kids will go through their own processing of my probably undesirable ways I treat them. We don't door slam in this house either, haha!
Love that you did improv! Did you enjoy it? That sounds FRIGHTENING!!! But thrilling?
Not scary at all. Always loved drama/theatre/acting (even though I lack talent) and majored in it as an undergrad. I don't think I grew up with the "typical" immigrant parents and actually have trouble relating to a lot of stories. For example, my parents were well-educated, English-speaking, white collar professionals so no need to translate for them. They were the ones doing it for my grandparents. I think I'm more like a 1.5 gen than a first gen born in the west.
Like many other immigrant parents, were after the big name schools, but in truth, I don't think they cared where I went. I just had to go somewhere and get that bachelor's degree at minimum. They didn't even care what I majored in (but STEM or finance was preferred). One thing I don't think my parents got was my desire to go into public relations. I even got an internship at a bank doing event planning. It was for a year and paid peanuts. However, they got me an interview elsewhere, and I got that job. It was NOT anything close to what I wanted to do. I had thought that event planning for a bank would have been that happy medium - PR/events or me, a financial institution for them (or rather, my dad). I didn't last long at that new job. I'm happily in the philanthropy (and children's lit) world now.
Congrats on pushing through to vulnerability! I talk about vulnerability in my post today. It's such a big one to tackle. I am looking forward to reading about your yoga teacher training. I will forever be grateful that I gave myself the gift of taking that class. It changed my life in the most positive of ways. I wouldn't be writing on Substack, because my first book which in turn lead to writing here was written about that class and what I was learning. I'm cheering you on from the sidelines! 💜
I just commented! I loved your post! Wow, I keep hearing so many great comments from people here and in person about how the training changed them in so many ways! I’ll be sure to keep you all updated! The class has given me so many things to think and process and write about already. We are only on week 2! Ha!
I’m terrified of public speaking or anything like that. 😩 I’ve avoided it a lot but I do wonder if it holds me back. I obviously have lots to say but writing it down is much more comfortable for me.
Oh gosh, yes this is the ultimate issue for me. Writing is a different form of expression obviously and its beauty is that I can ponder and process and mess with the words all I want! But there was something in me that wanted to say what I want out loud eloquently! I am a very good conversationalist. That’s what I looooove. I love being a friend, I love being a listener and I love the love of conversation and connection. Maybe that’s why I’m drawn to speaking publicly, which is another form of expression. I feel like maybe my soul wants to bridge all these forms of expression.
I think it’s a great exercise to ponder if it’s holding you back or not. There’s no wrong answer!!! You have an outlet for your art right now too. It’s in your words and you beautifully do it already.
Oh, Stephanie! I can relate to this. Since I was a kid I was always labeled shy and quiet because I couldn't find my voice. The more I practice just doing the damn thing, the more evidence I collect that I'm not actually going to die by saying something out loud. This piece inspires me to do more of what scares me, thank you. I also like the idea of separating the physical from the mental experience—it reminds me of the Mel Robbins 5 second rule.
Kaitlyn! Yes, it's so true. Every single time I do it, sometimes it's easier sometimes it's harder and that frustrates me sometimes! I'm doing the damn thing, why won't it get easier over time? It also has to do with what setting and who I'm talking with and the topic I'm talking about. If you haven't watched Caroline, I recommend it. She's a HOOT.
I didn't know Mel Robbins' 5 second rule until now! I googled it!
I am putting it here in case anyone wants to know that doesn't:
“The 5 Second Rule is simple. If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within five seconds or your brain will kill it. The moment you feel an instinct or a desire to act on a goal or a commitment, use the Rule.” from CEO biz magazine: https://www.theceomagazine.com/business/management-leadership/the-5-second-rule/
I feel this deeply! It can definitely be frustrating when we seemingly take steps backwards in our efforts. I think it's one of those things that will never go away, we just learn to live with it and move with it as it evolves.
There's an asteroid in astrology called Chiron (the wounded healer) and in my chart it's right next to my identity and communication. It's something that never goes away. The reason I bring that up is because in the myth, Chiron eventually becomes the healer because he's tried everything along his journey to heal himself and through each trial he added a new tool to his tool belt which allowed him the knowledge to help others who struggle too. So that was a long way to say, by sharing our struggles we may help others find healing in their own.
Okay, Sis… don’t mine me coming in here weeks after your post, but holy smokes! So much good stuff here! I am fairly new to Substack and just happened to stumble upon this post. So, I need to say thank you for being so real and vulnerable. That’s scary and makes you so brave! I love it!
Finding our voice is hard! It’s terrifying at times. Trauma makes us all want to shrink back and disappear sometimes, but I see you fighting through it. I see you healing and putting in the effort to overcome and do better!
Starting my own ‘stack is an example of just “doing the damn thing” because I certainly don’t feel qualified. But I enjoyed this post and I’m about to go hit the subscribe button! Keep it up, Sis!
Yoga class is the only public speaking (for entire 75 minutes) in my life I don’t feel stressed out (I still get a bit nervous but that’s different feeling). I’m so excited for your journey and please keep us posted!!!
Wow, that is pretty amazing you have your one public venue you feel good about it. I am soooo far from that. But I’m only in the beginning of the training so we will see if that changes!
Doing it more with my family for practice will be very good for me and then I will more comfortably branch out. Oh gosh, it’s so exhausting to practice the thing that scares me!
Oh and I was that kid in the class!!!!! Quiet and watching everyone yet not knowing when to say what.
Lots of relatable stuff here. I realized when I was working in an office during meetings (which is not really that long ago) I would sort of overcompensate by speaking up all the time. And what I mean by overcompensate is trying not to fall into the stereotypes of Asians being quiet, being a follower, not a leader, being a good worker bee. I'm not an extroverted person so this was exhausting!
Wow that’s awesome you did that! Just breaking Asian stereotypes one office meeting at a time! I’m an extroverted person and yet have this problem? It makes no sense. once i know all the people are watching me or I’m being recorded I’m a different person! We were at a big parent meeting tonight for my kid’s class and I’ve known these people for 3+ years but when we gathered in a meeting setting I was nervous to speak all over again. Gah, I don’t think the pit in the stomach feeling goes away and I need to be ok with that
Oh this landed with me big time - such resonance. As a kid, all of my teacher comments on report cards said, “great student, produces terrific work. Shy and quiet. Allison should work on participating more in class”. I was your classic wallflower.
And even today at 45 years old, I describe myself as “better with the written word than spoken word”. I still find it sooo hard to speak up.
And when I peel it all back, like you, the root of it is childhood conditioning. I never felt I could speak up - b/c I didn’t want to be needy. My mom was a single parent who I knew was struggling, I was the youngest child and never wanted to rock the boat (until my teens - oh damn I rebelled).
Thanks for your honesty here. This is a beautiful piece. I see my attachment wounds playing out in how I react to my kids when I’m triggered, too. I think the fact that we can see it and name it helps shift things. 🫶 And we always have the gift of repair.
And so awesome that you’re getting yoga teacher training/certified! 🙌🏻
This is so cool you resonated with this because you are a lawyer! Do you have to speak up a lot in your profession as a lawyer?! Wow your childhood circumstances were so much different and yet we are still in a similar spot with feeling afraid of speaking up. Oh my god I was the youngest too and also my teens were so rebellious!
The part about our kids! I honestly didn’t really feel like I had a problem with my reaction to people or my communication style until I had them.
Love the phrase gift of repair. Thanks for that reminder!
I deliberately chose an area of law where I don’t have to speak up publicly (or in court). I’m NOT a litigator. I specialize in real estate law which generally has me dealing amicably with opposing counsel (usually by email) and my clients directly. About buying or selling a house. It can get emotional but tends to be pretty cookie cutter.
I love that we had such different upbringings yet we both have resonance with so much of this sorta thing.
💕
Really enjoyed the audio of this, Stephanie. I so relate to what you say about wanting to be the one to read aloud in class! I don't know that I have the experience of not wanting to share my own work (as a young person) but definitely understand that when I look at my daughter's now.
Ooh I love it when I hear someone listened to the audio! Each week I wonder, will anyone listen?! I love that you noticed that about your daughter. It’s interesting to watch, it’s even more interesting to see how they navigate it. And even more interesting to see what we decide to do about it or let them be and watch them navigate it!
This is too real! And you're absolutely right about starting before you're ready. I'm still learning to find my voice on Substack and have found that, bit by bit, I'm getting better. I'm getting clearer. I'm honing the message and the style and all the things. And like our first day of YTT, I look back sometimes like, "Yikes, that wasn't great." But I (we) did it. And it was courageous. And that matters.
Hi! Well, you're already a wonderful writer and a very experienced blogger! I can tell by your writing!
Here we goooooo. Tomorrow is another day of teaching, hearing our voices, gah!!!
I totally did the door slamming thing. I think I was a normal teen in the 90s who just happened to be a child of immigrants. I didn’t (and still don’t) get many of the experiences other kids of immigrant parents had and sometimes feel shamed (especially now that affinity groups and DE&I are en vogue) for it. I mean, boundaries are more of an issue than most Anglo-Protestant/Anglo-Protestant adjacent families (note that I use that term rather than “Canadian” or “White.” I do that for a reason), but that’s more or less the only thing. Other than not being able to explore athletics and other things a bit more back in high school thanks to my grandmother’s beliefs about girls and sports. I think boundaries were the reason why my parents didn’t encourage me as much as they should have!
As for voice, I did a bit of improv in the past and theatre was one of my majors in undergrad. I’m now a published children’s author!
I really enjoy reading about your different perspective on your childhood. I am fascinated by the use of language, how we all use it differently. All I grew up with were boundaries, big big walls narrowly around me. Often felt suffocated by the strict nature of our upbringing. I don't blame my parents anymore and I am still dealing with the after affects of this parenting style. I'm sure my kids will go through their own processing of my probably undesirable ways I treat them. We don't door slam in this house either, haha!
Love that you did improv! Did you enjoy it? That sounds FRIGHTENING!!! But thrilling?
Not scary at all. Always loved drama/theatre/acting (even though I lack talent) and majored in it as an undergrad. I don't think I grew up with the "typical" immigrant parents and actually have trouble relating to a lot of stories. For example, my parents were well-educated, English-speaking, white collar professionals so no need to translate for them. They were the ones doing it for my grandparents. I think I'm more like a 1.5 gen than a first gen born in the west.
Like many other immigrant parents, were after the big name schools, but in truth, I don't think they cared where I went. I just had to go somewhere and get that bachelor's degree at minimum. They didn't even care what I majored in (but STEM or finance was preferred). One thing I don't think my parents got was my desire to go into public relations. I even got an internship at a bank doing event planning. It was for a year and paid peanuts. However, they got me an interview elsewhere, and I got that job. It was NOT anything close to what I wanted to do. I had thought that event planning for a bank would have been that happy medium - PR/events or me, a financial institution for them (or rather, my dad). I didn't last long at that new job. I'm happily in the philanthropy (and children's lit) world now.
Congrats on pushing through to vulnerability! I talk about vulnerability in my post today. It's such a big one to tackle. I am looking forward to reading about your yoga teacher training. I will forever be grateful that I gave myself the gift of taking that class. It changed my life in the most positive of ways. I wouldn't be writing on Substack, because my first book which in turn lead to writing here was written about that class and what I was learning. I'm cheering you on from the sidelines! 💜
I just commented! I loved your post! Wow, I keep hearing so many great comments from people here and in person about how the training changed them in so many ways! I’ll be sure to keep you all updated! The class has given me so many things to think and process and write about already. We are only on week 2! Ha!
It's an incredible experience. I'm excited for you. 💜
I’m terrified of public speaking or anything like that. 😩 I’ve avoided it a lot but I do wonder if it holds me back. I obviously have lots to say but writing it down is much more comfortable for me.
Oh gosh, yes this is the ultimate issue for me. Writing is a different form of expression obviously and its beauty is that I can ponder and process and mess with the words all I want! But there was something in me that wanted to say what I want out loud eloquently! I am a very good conversationalist. That’s what I looooove. I love being a friend, I love being a listener and I love the love of conversation and connection. Maybe that’s why I’m drawn to speaking publicly, which is another form of expression. I feel like maybe my soul wants to bridge all these forms of expression.
I think it’s a great exercise to ponder if it’s holding you back or not. There’s no wrong answer!!! You have an outlet for your art right now too. It’s in your words and you beautifully do it already.
You have an amazing talent for delivering your deepest concerns, Bravo to you.
Thank you, Dona! I appreciate you reading and commenting and the lovely compliment!
Oh, Stephanie! I can relate to this. Since I was a kid I was always labeled shy and quiet because I couldn't find my voice. The more I practice just doing the damn thing, the more evidence I collect that I'm not actually going to die by saying something out loud. This piece inspires me to do more of what scares me, thank you. I also like the idea of separating the physical from the mental experience—it reminds me of the Mel Robbins 5 second rule.
Kaitlyn! Yes, it's so true. Every single time I do it, sometimes it's easier sometimes it's harder and that frustrates me sometimes! I'm doing the damn thing, why won't it get easier over time? It also has to do with what setting and who I'm talking with and the topic I'm talking about. If you haven't watched Caroline, I recommend it. She's a HOOT.
I didn't know Mel Robbins' 5 second rule until now! I googled it!
I am putting it here in case anyone wants to know that doesn't:
“The 5 Second Rule is simple. If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within five seconds or your brain will kill it. The moment you feel an instinct or a desire to act on a goal or a commitment, use the Rule.” from CEO biz magazine: https://www.theceomagazine.com/business/management-leadership/the-5-second-rule/
I feel this deeply! It can definitely be frustrating when we seemingly take steps backwards in our efforts. I think it's one of those things that will never go away, we just learn to live with it and move with it as it evolves.
There's an asteroid in astrology called Chiron (the wounded healer) and in my chart it's right next to my identity and communication. It's something that never goes away. The reason I bring that up is because in the myth, Chiron eventually becomes the healer because he's tried everything along his journey to heal himself and through each trial he added a new tool to his tool belt which allowed him the knowledge to help others who struggle too. So that was a long way to say, by sharing our struggles we may help others find healing in their own.
I'm going to check out Caroline too! Thank you ❤️
Okay, Sis… don’t mine me coming in here weeks after your post, but holy smokes! So much good stuff here! I am fairly new to Substack and just happened to stumble upon this post. So, I need to say thank you for being so real and vulnerable. That’s scary and makes you so brave! I love it!
Finding our voice is hard! It’s terrifying at times. Trauma makes us all want to shrink back and disappear sometimes, but I see you fighting through it. I see you healing and putting in the effort to overcome and do better!
Starting my own ‘stack is an example of just “doing the damn thing” because I certainly don’t feel qualified. But I enjoyed this post and I’m about to go hit the subscribe button! Keep it up, Sis!