Hard relate. On yet another diet now. I’ve lived my life on diets. Counting calories. Logging every thing I eat like a weirdo. Counting almonds, and trying to count them secretly so I don’t look eating-disorder-ish. Just yesterday I knew I was having a big dinner so I starved all day in order to allow that dinner. At my thinnest, I have always been insane. I often joke, “If I am really thin, you should ask me what’s going on, bc I’m probably in a breakdown.” Yet here I am, trying yet again to get really thin. I am already resentful as hell about aging. I don’t want to look old. I don’t want these wrinkles. So I think—well at least I can TRY to keep a hot body. My weight is on my mind constantly.
I totally forgot to mention the secretly counting so as to not make it look like I've got a problem! It's a fucking thing, such a damn thing. With everyone! No one is safe from toxic brain talk. It's like our prize for going crazy is finally getting to the point of thin we've been so hungry for.
Sharing something that was published this week since it made me realize that I am not alone in the mental gymnastics to stay small. This felt horrifying and affirming to read:
“You know, the messages in your woman brain that convince you repeatedly you should just be happy with the “ok” version of everything in your life? Like you know incredible slices of prosciutto exist if you’d just walk your happy butt over to the local butcher but instead you buy Aldi sliced turkey because you should really be saving money because even though you’re an invaluable asset at your job you shan’t dare ask for a raise because the money is okay, I don’t need more and besides I should eat turkey, not prosciutto because it’s healthier and instead of enjoying a really yummy charcuterie for pleasure I will watch my caloric and fat intake in order to stay small because staying small is more important than my pleasure and anyway the point is just settle, lady!”
The entire blog is at mattiejocowsert.com . I felt so seen and a little embarrassed both. Which is to say, you are decidedly not alone.
"mental gymnastics to stay small" -- apparently the goal for every woman that has been reaching out to me here and privately about this topic. This quote is so relatable! One of my friends reached out to me about the lemon and cayenne pepper cleanse that was all the rage in the earlier 2000s and said she didn't know if I did it back then to lose weight and maybe it was for something else. I probably told people it was for something else but it was absolutely to lose the weight even though I never admitted it. it's like when people talk about intermittent fasting and they do it for better energy and health... I have a sneaking suspicion we're all intermittent fasting for weight but decide to take out that little reason when we share it
Oh boy you opened a can of worms. Before I quit my overpaid corporate job to go back to college and be a fitness trainer/nutritionist I weighed 200 lbs...yes I really did. Many years later a doctor I trained sent me his anorexic and bolemic patients. My training in psychology helped. I live like you daily thinking I will get fat again. You can't and won't get rid of these thoughts BUT how you deal with them is everything. People describing "you" use words like: smart, funny, tiny, adorable...be kinder to yourself! Hugs
Dona, yes I did open a can of worms! For you, for me, for a lot of people! I was actually having a conversation with my nanny about this. I wonder what sorts of things therapists say to patients who have eating disorders. Would any of those discussions have worth to others who don't have a dsm? Obviously we're not going through the same experience but I have a feeling some of those tips and mindset would help us out.
I am with you as another “naturally” thin woman… I notice my attention even more amplified and obsessive around my weight or how clothes fit or how I look naked as I approach my mid-40s… add on the pressures to stay “hot” which equals young, and it is a hot mess up there in my mind.
I have always been hypercritical of my body, aiming to be as small as possible - as you wrote, just how our society wants me to be. My mom wondered aloud where the “real size zeroes shop” one time, as I struggled to find small-enough pants to fit me. I will never forget the feeling of determination I felt to shrink even more.
I want to rebel against the messaging and yet I hate it when I am carrying any “extra” weight. I feel like one pound (even though I don’t own a scale) is a slippery slope into becoming my overweight and sluggish mother. But in my quest to never become her, I also abandon myself.
No one is safe, no matter what your body looks like! I already got rid of one scale in the house because I saw my kid stand on it and I wondered what was going on in her head when she looked at the number, then fast forwarded to her doing the same in a few years and I had such relief about the scale in my bathroom blink "lo" and then go blank. I think I just need to chuck it, at least for my kid's sake. But I also know that's a tiny sliver of the things she's up against.
Thank you Stephanie for being so REAL and sharing your thoughts and feelings! Your honesty is liberating for all of us!! I love your post and feel like I’ve been through it all as well. Keeping old jeans for my 20s to make sure they still fit, scrutinizing photos comparing myself to “thinner” days, SO many different diets over the years. In 2018 I started gaining strength practicing Power Vinyasa and I have continued a journey of strengthening. Now I feel more excited about what I can do versus how I look. I like feeling strong and being able to teach challenging classes that are helpful for others. When I shifted I would say two years ago (at age 48) from how I looked to what I could do in service for myself and others -things started to become easier and self-love was easier too. I also try very dang best to stay off social media and looking at photos of myself. 😂
Paula, thank you for this very honest comment and your own experience! It's scary for a lot of people to talk about it out loud. I very much enjoyed seeing your strength in your practice! After yoga teacher training I've continued to be sick and I'm so out of practice. When the timing is right, I'll get back on it because I do miss yoga very much.
You are so right! I actually look at instagram only on my computer a couple times a week for like 20 minutes which is very helpful. Also, dude, looking at photos of myself to stick in this newsletter was a bad idea for me!!!
Coincidently I am starting to think about my body again, cause I've started again my desk job, so the full time child caring that got me moving non stop is gone and many months later I can't help but notice a tummy growing and every else going flabby. I just started being a little obsess of what I'm eating - high protein, low fat/carb yada yada. And exercise, exercise. Thanks for bringing up this honest reflection on this hot topic (pun not intended). I would like to say I don't care how people see me (I do of course), but it's mostly really how I feel about myself. If I don't feel good wearing clothes I used to love to wear, then it's just bothering me constantly. Sometimes our body is also telling us some things as it physically changes, so it may be good sign or motivation to eat a little healthier and move a little bit more. I hope I can continue to stay so cool as my comment here about this :) boy I hate my pooch! Haha...
What an honest reflection you shared here in this comment! I could have written the same exact comment. You know what, I don't even think much about how others see my body because I know most wouldn't see or think how I do because how I think of my body is so freaking cruel and critical. Our bodies are supposed to change all the time but why are we so fixated in the idea that it should fit in our clothes the same way all the time? It's unfair, how we think. I'm sorry you hate your desk job pooch!!!
Thanks for commiserating with my pooch :) but yes, I agree, nobody is the worst judge than ourselves. We should really be kinder to ourselves. But some of the clothes are my favorite huhu and I am a sucker for used stuff for its memories and nostalgia rather than the joy of new items.
Thank you for going here, Stephanie. As a women in recovery from alcohol, I can easily say that my first issues with any disordered thinking and addiction started with food. It dates way back to childhood. I shook loose from my dependence on alcohol to cope and what has happened is the brain space that rampantly strategized how/what/when I would drink has been replaced with endless thoughts over controlling and contorting my relationship with food and my body.
I lost 35 pounds within 6 months of giving up booze. I’ve gained 20 of it back and I mentally beat myself up about it daily. Some days, hourly.
It’s not healthy and I agree with you - I believe there are many of us dealing with this in our 40s. Maybe there’s an overlap with hormonal changes/perimenopause (another thing no one wants to talk about!!)
And I look at my 10 year old daughter and I pray for more freedom for her. Freedom from this internal warfare we engage on ourselves.
I heard someone once say the best way to talk about your body in front of your daughter is not at all. To not talk about your body, whether positive or negative. But I don’t agree with that either. It’s not realistic.
So I have no answers. I just have a head that is nodding up and down with you saying, me too girl. I get it.
My fear with writing this post was sounding insensitive to folks who deal with addiction, with someone who has a DSM eating disorder. But I did it because it was really freaking glaring at me and I did my best to be honest. I'm grateful you shared your experience with disordered eating here in this comment. They days I think about my body and eating hourly, which is all the time lately, is exhausting and really crushing. And then looking at my daughter, it puts me over the edge. I feel so lost. I also heard that thought on not commenting on your body at all in front of your kids, which I don't do either. I literally don't talk about my body at all in that same fear. I have noticed my kids have been eating a lot of sugar and I fear how much harm I'm doing by trying to limit it. Am I putting too much of a focus on making a food look "bad" when I do try to make it neutral but then again my kids need to know moderation and balance but what does that even mean too!?!?!? Well, here I go with no answers too, more questions, more wondering what the hell we do or don't do.
None of your words came at me as insensitive but I understand the care or hesitation that may have been nudging you. Your honest and raw voice needs to be heard. I’m glad you wrote this. I hope it was cathartic for you.
Yeah, it is exhausting. Mental gymnastics is a game I participate in all too often and it is tiring.
This is such a relatable post, Stephanie. There's so much shame around body image and I commend you for shining a light on it and sharing your struggles. Full disclosure: I won't even get in a bathing suit in front of anyone I know let alone be photographed in one. The obsession to be thin never goes away, especially for those of us raised by weight-conscious mothers. My mom is nearing 86 and teeny tiny, and yet she still obsesses about her weight and everyone else's weight. Her critical eye certainly did a number on my body image and for years. I would fast before a visit to see her because I knew she'd be inspecting every inch of me. But it's not just women who suffer. I know a lot of men who feel badly about how they look now that they're older. Just the other day, my mom told my brother to go on a diet while we were all on Facetime together. He's a workout fiend likely due to the fact that he's been scrutinized his whole life too. I stood up for him and told her he looks great. I suppose I'm considered a petite person, though I've never felt that way because I have curves. I don't get on a scale anymore because I don't have the mental capacity to fret over shifts in water retention and what not. I base my "healthy" weight on whether my clothes fit. And I still dabble in unhealthy practices like skipping meals if I know I'm going out for a big dinner, but I will say that as someone over 50, I finally feel a little more comfortable in my skin than I used to when I was younger as long as I don't have to wear a bathing suit. :) I don't know that I'll ever be able to erase my mom's voice from my head, but I'm definitely trying to embrace the good parts of aging and reminding myself that I'm lucky to still be among the living. I shared a post not long ago with lessons from a death doula. She said that one of the big regrets the dying have is that they dieted all the time, especially the people who had to undergo medical treatment that messed with their appetites or tastebuds. I try to remember that when I have a chance to eat something delicious. Some day, I won't get to eat this anymore. It helps a little.
Hilary!!! The first thing I thought of when I saw you commented was... how much does our love of donuts get tainted because of the voice in our heads?! Why does the bite of each donut secretly taste so damn bitter?!!! You brought up something that I thought of but didn't write... I don't recall my mom being weight conscious but in her older age she sometimes gets particular about looking too skinny and tries to gain weight! And I think she looks fine! No one wins!
You are absolutely right. Men go through it too. I interviewed a dietician I found on substack and we talked about how men deal with disordered eating too except much of it is undiagnosed.
Wow, the perspective from a death doula! That's pretty powerful, coming from a person who sees that perspective all the time. Let's remember the dying when we eat our donuts!!!
Yes! The funny thing is, donuts are my mom’s indulgence too. She was eating one on Sunday. Granted she probably ate nothing else all day. I love that your mom is trying to gain weight. Good for her. Get her some donuts!
Oh man what a stlla read. I'm 32 and I've been writing too about how I feel about "the body" and by now a I so "obsessed" with it. Comparing myself to whete I was 20 years ago. Unhealthy singe mum just trying to survive. Me" I want to be that small again" me.okay but you wrte 120 lbs and your Dr was rely concerned... so 10 pounds later 10 years later! 🤪 thank you sharing this. You ate not the only one.
Thank you for your comment. We are very much in probably the largest club no one wants to admit they're a part of. Everyone is trying to be small. No one is trying to take up the space that society is telling them they are too big for.
I think it’s so hard because you go though life one way, in one body, but then you have kids, age, and it’s like oh well here’s a completely changed version of that body!! I don’t want to be 20lbs heavier, but the weight doesn’t want to come off! Thanks for sharing!!
And a completely changed person inside too! It’s like we’re in some warped way of thinking that the whole of us changes inside but we expect our exterior to look the same as it always did.
Hard relate. On yet another diet now. I’ve lived my life on diets. Counting calories. Logging every thing I eat like a weirdo. Counting almonds, and trying to count them secretly so I don’t look eating-disorder-ish. Just yesterday I knew I was having a big dinner so I starved all day in order to allow that dinner. At my thinnest, I have always been insane. I often joke, “If I am really thin, you should ask me what’s going on, bc I’m probably in a breakdown.” Yet here I am, trying yet again to get really thin. I am already resentful as hell about aging. I don’t want to look old. I don’t want these wrinkles. So I think—well at least I can TRY to keep a hot body. My weight is on my mind constantly.
I totally forgot to mention the secretly counting so as to not make it look like I've got a problem! It's a fucking thing, such a damn thing. With everyone! No one is safe from toxic brain talk. It's like our prize for going crazy is finally getting to the point of thin we've been so hungry for.
Sharing something that was published this week since it made me realize that I am not alone in the mental gymnastics to stay small. This felt horrifying and affirming to read:
“You know, the messages in your woman brain that convince you repeatedly you should just be happy with the “ok” version of everything in your life? Like you know incredible slices of prosciutto exist if you’d just walk your happy butt over to the local butcher but instead you buy Aldi sliced turkey because you should really be saving money because even though you’re an invaluable asset at your job you shan’t dare ask for a raise because the money is okay, I don’t need more and besides I should eat turkey, not prosciutto because it’s healthier and instead of enjoying a really yummy charcuterie for pleasure I will watch my caloric and fat intake in order to stay small because staying small is more important than my pleasure and anyway the point is just settle, lady!”
The entire blog is at mattiejocowsert.com . I felt so seen and a little embarrassed both. Which is to say, you are decidedly not alone.
"mental gymnastics to stay small" -- apparently the goal for every woman that has been reaching out to me here and privately about this topic. This quote is so relatable! One of my friends reached out to me about the lemon and cayenne pepper cleanse that was all the rage in the earlier 2000s and said she didn't know if I did it back then to lose weight and maybe it was for something else. I probably told people it was for something else but it was absolutely to lose the weight even though I never admitted it. it's like when people talk about intermittent fasting and they do it for better energy and health... I have a sneaking suspicion we're all intermittent fasting for weight but decide to take out that little reason when we share it
Oh boy you opened a can of worms. Before I quit my overpaid corporate job to go back to college and be a fitness trainer/nutritionist I weighed 200 lbs...yes I really did. Many years later a doctor I trained sent me his anorexic and bolemic patients. My training in psychology helped. I live like you daily thinking I will get fat again. You can't and won't get rid of these thoughts BUT how you deal with them is everything. People describing "you" use words like: smart, funny, tiny, adorable...be kinder to yourself! Hugs
Dona, yes I did open a can of worms! For you, for me, for a lot of people! I was actually having a conversation with my nanny about this. I wonder what sorts of things therapists say to patients who have eating disorders. Would any of those discussions have worth to others who don't have a dsm? Obviously we're not going through the same experience but I have a feeling some of those tips and mindset would help us out.
I am with you as another “naturally” thin woman… I notice my attention even more amplified and obsessive around my weight or how clothes fit or how I look naked as I approach my mid-40s… add on the pressures to stay “hot” which equals young, and it is a hot mess up there in my mind.
I have always been hypercritical of my body, aiming to be as small as possible - as you wrote, just how our society wants me to be. My mom wondered aloud where the “real size zeroes shop” one time, as I struggled to find small-enough pants to fit me. I will never forget the feeling of determination I felt to shrink even more.
I want to rebel against the messaging and yet I hate it when I am carrying any “extra” weight. I feel like one pound (even though I don’t own a scale) is a slippery slope into becoming my overweight and sluggish mother. But in my quest to never become her, I also abandon myself.
No one is safe, no matter what your body looks like! I already got rid of one scale in the house because I saw my kid stand on it and I wondered what was going on in her head when she looked at the number, then fast forwarded to her doing the same in a few years and I had such relief about the scale in my bathroom blink "lo" and then go blank. I think I just need to chuck it, at least for my kid's sake. But I also know that's a tiny sliver of the things she's up against.
Yessss size has nothing to do with internal safety around how you look. 🙌🙌🙌 i think we all have work to do there. Liberation is just one thought away.
Also trying not to become my overweight and sluggish mother.
Thank you Stephanie for being so REAL and sharing your thoughts and feelings! Your honesty is liberating for all of us!! I love your post and feel like I’ve been through it all as well. Keeping old jeans for my 20s to make sure they still fit, scrutinizing photos comparing myself to “thinner” days, SO many different diets over the years. In 2018 I started gaining strength practicing Power Vinyasa and I have continued a journey of strengthening. Now I feel more excited about what I can do versus how I look. I like feeling strong and being able to teach challenging classes that are helpful for others. When I shifted I would say two years ago (at age 48) from how I looked to what I could do in service for myself and others -things started to become easier and self-love was easier too. I also try very dang best to stay off social media and looking at photos of myself. 😂
Paula, thank you for this very honest comment and your own experience! It's scary for a lot of people to talk about it out loud. I very much enjoyed seeing your strength in your practice! After yoga teacher training I've continued to be sick and I'm so out of practice. When the timing is right, I'll get back on it because I do miss yoga very much.
You are so right! I actually look at instagram only on my computer a couple times a week for like 20 minutes which is very helpful. Also, dude, looking at photos of myself to stick in this newsletter was a bad idea for me!!!
Coincidently I am starting to think about my body again, cause I've started again my desk job, so the full time child caring that got me moving non stop is gone and many months later I can't help but notice a tummy growing and every else going flabby. I just started being a little obsess of what I'm eating - high protein, low fat/carb yada yada. And exercise, exercise. Thanks for bringing up this honest reflection on this hot topic (pun not intended). I would like to say I don't care how people see me (I do of course), but it's mostly really how I feel about myself. If I don't feel good wearing clothes I used to love to wear, then it's just bothering me constantly. Sometimes our body is also telling us some things as it physically changes, so it may be good sign or motivation to eat a little healthier and move a little bit more. I hope I can continue to stay so cool as my comment here about this :) boy I hate my pooch! Haha...
What an honest reflection you shared here in this comment! I could have written the same exact comment. You know what, I don't even think much about how others see my body because I know most wouldn't see or think how I do because how I think of my body is so freaking cruel and critical. Our bodies are supposed to change all the time but why are we so fixated in the idea that it should fit in our clothes the same way all the time? It's unfair, how we think. I'm sorry you hate your desk job pooch!!!
Thanks for commiserating with my pooch :) but yes, I agree, nobody is the worst judge than ourselves. We should really be kinder to ourselves. But some of the clothes are my favorite huhu and I am a sucker for used stuff for its memories and nostalgia rather than the joy of new items.
Wow, I hear you, Stephanie. Terrific post. xxx
Thank you, Rebecca!!
Thank you for going here, Stephanie. As a women in recovery from alcohol, I can easily say that my first issues with any disordered thinking and addiction started with food. It dates way back to childhood. I shook loose from my dependence on alcohol to cope and what has happened is the brain space that rampantly strategized how/what/when I would drink has been replaced with endless thoughts over controlling and contorting my relationship with food and my body.
I lost 35 pounds within 6 months of giving up booze. I’ve gained 20 of it back and I mentally beat myself up about it daily. Some days, hourly.
It’s not healthy and I agree with you - I believe there are many of us dealing with this in our 40s. Maybe there’s an overlap with hormonal changes/perimenopause (another thing no one wants to talk about!!)
And I look at my 10 year old daughter and I pray for more freedom for her. Freedom from this internal warfare we engage on ourselves.
I heard someone once say the best way to talk about your body in front of your daughter is not at all. To not talk about your body, whether positive or negative. But I don’t agree with that either. It’s not realistic.
So I have no answers. I just have a head that is nodding up and down with you saying, me too girl. I get it.
🫶🫶
My fear with writing this post was sounding insensitive to folks who deal with addiction, with someone who has a DSM eating disorder. But I did it because it was really freaking glaring at me and I did my best to be honest. I'm grateful you shared your experience with disordered eating here in this comment. They days I think about my body and eating hourly, which is all the time lately, is exhausting and really crushing. And then looking at my daughter, it puts me over the edge. I feel so lost. I also heard that thought on not commenting on your body at all in front of your kids, which I don't do either. I literally don't talk about my body at all in that same fear. I have noticed my kids have been eating a lot of sugar and I fear how much harm I'm doing by trying to limit it. Am I putting too much of a focus on making a food look "bad" when I do try to make it neutral but then again my kids need to know moderation and balance but what does that even mean too!?!?!? Well, here I go with no answers too, more questions, more wondering what the hell we do or don't do.
None of your words came at me as insensitive but I understand the care or hesitation that may have been nudging you. Your honest and raw voice needs to be heard. I’m glad you wrote this. I hope it was cathartic for you.
Yeah, it is exhausting. Mental gymnastics is a game I participate in all too often and it is tiring.
This is such a relatable post, Stephanie. There's so much shame around body image and I commend you for shining a light on it and sharing your struggles. Full disclosure: I won't even get in a bathing suit in front of anyone I know let alone be photographed in one. The obsession to be thin never goes away, especially for those of us raised by weight-conscious mothers. My mom is nearing 86 and teeny tiny, and yet she still obsesses about her weight and everyone else's weight. Her critical eye certainly did a number on my body image and for years. I would fast before a visit to see her because I knew she'd be inspecting every inch of me. But it's not just women who suffer. I know a lot of men who feel badly about how they look now that they're older. Just the other day, my mom told my brother to go on a diet while we were all on Facetime together. He's a workout fiend likely due to the fact that he's been scrutinized his whole life too. I stood up for him and told her he looks great. I suppose I'm considered a petite person, though I've never felt that way because I have curves. I don't get on a scale anymore because I don't have the mental capacity to fret over shifts in water retention and what not. I base my "healthy" weight on whether my clothes fit. And I still dabble in unhealthy practices like skipping meals if I know I'm going out for a big dinner, but I will say that as someone over 50, I finally feel a little more comfortable in my skin than I used to when I was younger as long as I don't have to wear a bathing suit. :) I don't know that I'll ever be able to erase my mom's voice from my head, but I'm definitely trying to embrace the good parts of aging and reminding myself that I'm lucky to still be among the living. I shared a post not long ago with lessons from a death doula. She said that one of the big regrets the dying have is that they dieted all the time, especially the people who had to undergo medical treatment that messed with their appetites or tastebuds. I try to remember that when I have a chance to eat something delicious. Some day, I won't get to eat this anymore. It helps a little.
Hilary!!! The first thing I thought of when I saw you commented was... how much does our love of donuts get tainted because of the voice in our heads?! Why does the bite of each donut secretly taste so damn bitter?!!! You brought up something that I thought of but didn't write... I don't recall my mom being weight conscious but in her older age she sometimes gets particular about looking too skinny and tries to gain weight! And I think she looks fine! No one wins!
You are absolutely right. Men go through it too. I interviewed a dietician I found on substack and we talked about how men deal with disordered eating too except much of it is undiagnosed.
Wow, the perspective from a death doula! That's pretty powerful, coming from a person who sees that perspective all the time. Let's remember the dying when we eat our donuts!!!
Yes! The funny thing is, donuts are my mom’s indulgence too. She was eating one on Sunday. Granted she probably ate nothing else all day. I love that your mom is trying to gain weight. Good for her. Get her some donuts!
Oh man what a stlla read. I'm 32 and I've been writing too about how I feel about "the body" and by now a I so "obsessed" with it. Comparing myself to whete I was 20 years ago. Unhealthy singe mum just trying to survive. Me" I want to be that small again" me.okay but you wrte 120 lbs and your Dr was rely concerned... so 10 pounds later 10 years later! 🤪 thank you sharing this. You ate not the only one.
Thank you for your comment. We are very much in probably the largest club no one wants to admit they're a part of. Everyone is trying to be small. No one is trying to take up the space that society is telling them they are too big for.
I think it’s so hard because you go though life one way, in one body, but then you have kids, age, and it’s like oh well here’s a completely changed version of that body!! I don’t want to be 20lbs heavier, but the weight doesn’t want to come off! Thanks for sharing!!
And a completely changed person inside too! It’s like we’re in some warped way of thinking that the whole of us changes inside but we expect our exterior to look the same as it always did.