Love this idea, Stephanie! A while ago, I began actively seeking out smaller, less known Substacks to subscribe to, as I find the same ones often cropping up in those lists. It feels like an act of rebellion to ignore the noise :)
Yes!!! Let's start a revolution, haha! Also, I find the comments sections on those newsletters to be lovely communities of people who just want to read good stuff :)
My ex husband used to tell me “Relax, you’ll live longer.” Are used to think and sometimes say if you say that to me again, you won’t. There’s just something about others, telling us how to feel like you say how to hold our faces just doesn’t sit well.
Yes! It's all about context, when it's being said to you, how it's being said to you. Also, I don't think I've told a man to relax or smile... isn't that odd considering how much we're told as women to change our appearance? Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone!
This was such a good read and brought up lots of thoughts for me. For me, RBF harks back to the whole 'good girl'/people-pleasing story which I have spent a long time trying to untangle myself from, and something that I am keen for my daughter to avoid at all costs! It also reminded me of growing up in regular dance classes and how I/we were always being told to smile and never let it drop, so it feels deeply ingrained in that way.
Also yes, telling a labouring woman to change facial expression in childbirth is an interesting approach...I can imagine receiving this advice in a similar manner. I do remember learning that our jaws and pelvic floors are linked in some way and that relaxing the jaw would help in childbirth — I did actively try to do this but I am not sure how much it changed the pain for me, and in my second birth (due to unfortunate circumstances of no space on the labour ward and being moved around...!) it did not feel at all possible to relax my face, or anything else...
Thank you SO much for featuring me as one of your 'rising stars', I love being here and it means so much xx
Oh my goodness, yes the dance class and performance. In those scenarios we are being told to force that smile and the entire thing is bizarre if you think about it. A bunch of overly acrobatic girls smiling through very skilled moves... all lined up like robots with the same smile. You're welcome. Keep up the good work, Lyndsay!
I loved my lamaze classes back in 1978, when I had our first child. The relaxation of muscle groups, breathing and mindset made labor and childbirth easier and the awareness melted many fears. It was the closest thing to natural childbirth even though I was in a hospital. We also learned breastfeeding situations and aftercare. I continued to use these methods with all other labors, and to this day, use the breathing to bring down blood pressure, anxiety, and calm my fears or palpitating heart when needed.
Its funny how a male (your bro in law) found a beautiful non-offensive way to explain the blessings of this practice!
You had 4 babies naturally and I have been in awe of that! I wish I took the breath work more seriously during my pregnancies. My job during each pregnancy was so crazy, time consuming and stressful, I felt I had no space to learn more once I finished work for the day!
And I also think it’s funny that a man reminded me of this!
Honored to be included in this wonderful list of "rising stars!" I love this idea and am going to start doing it as well! Also that nurse-- right or not, I wonder how many times she's been socked in the face by a laboring woman! OMG!
Well there is no tougher crowd than a woman in labor! I had a C-section and I remember the anesthesiologist giving me a little pinch on the only not numb body part (my shoulder) and saying, "Congratulations! You're not pregnant anymore!" I thought even in that moment what a weird thing to say. What a weird way to say, "Hey, your baby is here!" And I was like, "Being pregnant was great! It's THIS part I'm not so sure about!"
Thank you so much for including me in this! 💕💕 I LOVE this exploration of RBF! My resting face very much fits the description. So does my mom's. My sister's used to, but as a teacher, she had to train her face otherwise so the kids would respond better. So when I read that the nurse told you to relax your face, I was immediately offended for you and was mentally telling the nurse where she could shove it. As I kept reading, though, I realized I might, perhaps, be a tad sensitive about the whole thing. Thank you for helping me see that, sometimes, others are actually being helpful when they suggest a different expression. And I'm going to try that face relaxation exercise to change my mood!
Oh I can see having to be conscious of your face when with children. I think it’s also so cultural. Smiling for pictures in other countries isn’t as prevalent as the US where we show all our teeth! Re: sensitivity, me too! I think it’s about being conscious of it but not because we need to be concerned what others think, it’s maybe something to think about for yourself, how a little facial tweak could shift the way you feel, even if it’s a tiny bit!
I love this deep dive essay into Resting Bitch Face. It also touches on toxic positivity which I find is often related when we get told to "turn that frown upside down." And thank you Stephanie for these Substack recommendations!
Thank you for restacking it! It was interesting to explore RBF! My sisters and I had been talking about it lately too. Remembering how our dad used to tell us to smile. She has a friend whose daughters coach told her to fix her face while on the court, that didn’t go well with her mom haha!
I’ve had so many! Mainly joyful sometimes not so great... three kids, v long first labour and induction as failing placenta in third birth meant it was lots of midwives
Ha, bedside manner is so important but at the same time when a mother giving birth is so crazy, sometimes it doesn't matter what these midwives/nurses say to you. Anything can sound terrible if you're in a certain mindset and level of pain, ha!
Love this idea, Stephanie! A while ago, I began actively seeking out smaller, less known Substacks to subscribe to, as I find the same ones often cropping up in those lists. It feels like an act of rebellion to ignore the noise :)
Yes, it does feel like an act of rebellion! We need more of you out there, seeking out the smaller writers who have something good to say/write!
Yes!!! Let's start a revolution, haha! Also, I find the comments sections on those newsletters to be lovely communities of people who just want to read good stuff :)
My ex husband used to tell me “Relax, you’ll live longer.” Are used to think and sometimes say if you say that to me again, you won’t. There’s just something about others, telling us how to feel like you say how to hold our faces just doesn’t sit well.
You are not alone and feeling that way
Yes! It's all about context, when it's being said to you, how it's being said to you. Also, I don't think I've told a man to relax or smile... isn't that odd considering how much we're told as women to change our appearance? Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone!
This was such a good read and brought up lots of thoughts for me. For me, RBF harks back to the whole 'good girl'/people-pleasing story which I have spent a long time trying to untangle myself from, and something that I am keen for my daughter to avoid at all costs! It also reminded me of growing up in regular dance classes and how I/we were always being told to smile and never let it drop, so it feels deeply ingrained in that way.
Also yes, telling a labouring woman to change facial expression in childbirth is an interesting approach...I can imagine receiving this advice in a similar manner. I do remember learning that our jaws and pelvic floors are linked in some way and that relaxing the jaw would help in childbirth — I did actively try to do this but I am not sure how much it changed the pain for me, and in my second birth (due to unfortunate circumstances of no space on the labour ward and being moved around...!) it did not feel at all possible to relax my face, or anything else...
Thank you SO much for featuring me as one of your 'rising stars', I love being here and it means so much xx
Oh my goodness, yes the dance class and performance. In those scenarios we are being told to force that smile and the entire thing is bizarre if you think about it. A bunch of overly acrobatic girls smiling through very skilled moves... all lined up like robots with the same smile. You're welcome. Keep up the good work, Lyndsay!
Yes it is quite bizarre! Thanks Stephanie xx
Absolutely loved this! 💙
Thank you! And hi!!
Hey 👋🏼
I loved my lamaze classes back in 1978, when I had our first child. The relaxation of muscle groups, breathing and mindset made labor and childbirth easier and the awareness melted many fears. It was the closest thing to natural childbirth even though I was in a hospital. We also learned breastfeeding situations and aftercare. I continued to use these methods with all other labors, and to this day, use the breathing to bring down blood pressure, anxiety, and calm my fears or palpitating heart when needed.
Its funny how a male (your bro in law) found a beautiful non-offensive way to explain the blessings of this practice!
You had 4 babies naturally and I have been in awe of that! I wish I took the breath work more seriously during my pregnancies. My job during each pregnancy was so crazy, time consuming and stressful, I felt I had no space to learn more once I finished work for the day!
And I also think it’s funny that a man reminded me of this!
I am still in awe of the baby days~ all that you handled, with grace, while working full time!
Honored to be included in this wonderful list of "rising stars!" I love this idea and am going to start doing it as well! Also that nurse-- right or not, I wonder how many times she's been socked in the face by a laboring woman! OMG!
I know! Hahah omg she prob has thick skin and doesn’t give AF :)
Well there is no tougher crowd than a woman in labor! I had a C-section and I remember the anesthesiologist giving me a little pinch on the only not numb body part (my shoulder) and saying, "Congratulations! You're not pregnant anymore!" I thought even in that moment what a weird thing to say. What a weird way to say, "Hey, your baby is here!" And I was like, "Being pregnant was great! It's THIS part I'm not so sure about!"
The one liners gone south
Thank you so much for including me in this! 💕💕 I LOVE this exploration of RBF! My resting face very much fits the description. So does my mom's. My sister's used to, but as a teacher, she had to train her face otherwise so the kids would respond better. So when I read that the nurse told you to relax your face, I was immediately offended for you and was mentally telling the nurse where she could shove it. As I kept reading, though, I realized I might, perhaps, be a tad sensitive about the whole thing. Thank you for helping me see that, sometimes, others are actually being helpful when they suggest a different expression. And I'm going to try that face relaxation exercise to change my mood!
Oh I can see having to be conscious of your face when with children. I think it’s also so cultural. Smiling for pictures in other countries isn’t as prevalent as the US where we show all our teeth! Re: sensitivity, me too! I think it’s about being conscious of it but not because we need to be concerned what others think, it’s maybe something to think about for yourself, how a little facial tweak could shift the way you feel, even if it’s a tiny bit!
I love this deep dive essay into Resting Bitch Face. It also touches on toxic positivity which I find is often related when we get told to "turn that frown upside down." And thank you Stephanie for these Substack recommendations!
Thank you for restacking it! It was interesting to explore RBF! My sisters and I had been talking about it lately too. Remembering how our dad used to tell us to smile. She has a friend whose daughters coach told her to fix her face while on the court, that didn’t go well with her mom haha!
How kind you are to share my work! I’d have felt the same about the midwife and I love your tone in this piece x
Thank you Laura! What did your midwife say to you?
I’ve had so many! Mainly joyful sometimes not so great... three kids, v long first labour and induction as failing placenta in third birth meant it was lots of midwives
Ha, bedside manner is so important but at the same time when a mother giving birth is so crazy, sometimes it doesn't matter what these midwives/nurses say to you. Anything can sound terrible if you're in a certain mindset and level of pain, ha!