This was an extremely touching post. I am a multiracial person and grew up with a black parent always telling me he wanted hair like mine (my hair is straight), skin like mine, and more 'white' features like mine. It made me really uncomfortable with the things that he considered black about my features. That sort of internalized racism gets passed down and it's confusing. My dad always said because I'm racially ambiguous I can fit in anywhere, but in my experience I don't feel like I fit in anywhere at all.
While I don't share the experience of having immigrant family, I can share that feeling of a lack of belonging. Thanks for sharing your experience and what I see as generational healing 🖤
This piece is brilliant, Stephanie. My son is half-Burmese and since he was about four, has always commented on who in his class is black, brown and white. His mum is white and his dad is brown: of course he noticed it. “So and so is brown, like me.” When he was six, he asked me why no one in LOTR is brown. I had never even thought about it. He is obsessed with Hamilton (we watch the Broadway original on Disney+) and I’m taking him to see it onstage in London. He asked me “will it be the same Actors” and I said no and he said “ok, but will they be brown?” They will. I try so hard to teach him how beautiful his skin is and how amazing his Burmese heritage is and how lucky he is not to get sunburned like me. I worry constantly that an idle remark at school or an unconscious failing by me will undo it all. Also - what you said about families mirroring it back resonated. When I lived in Burma, talk in Burmese is often peppered with frank discussion of exact skin tone, praising “a phyu” (white) and shaming “a mey” (dark) or anyone who looks “kala” (a really derogatory word for Muslims from western Burma near Bangladesh). That racism only happens in Burmese language but it is loud, shameless and ever-present. Thank you for this wonderful piece that made me think a lot. ❤️
Jan 28·edited Jan 31Liked by Stephanie Jucar Cooley
Stephanie, thank you so much for your writing. This post literally felt like I was reading my own thoughts on paper, especially the line: "I read white, I watched white, I listened to white. As difficult and embarrassing as it is to write this now, I admit — I wanted to be white."
I am Indian, and for most of my life, I've lived outside of India (12 years out of 16), moving from one country to the other and never feeling like I belonged anywhere. I was embarrassed that my parents spoke in an Indian accent, that my mother, for many years wore a Bindi, or that I listened and loved more Bollywood songs than English pop.
I felt that if I could only be white, I would be more liked and have more friends and that my opinions and words would matter more. If only I could be white, I would be able to be the princesses that I adored and watched on TV. I read books that were filled with characters who looked so unlike me that I felt that there was no place for people like me in them, or writers like me to create stories.
Now, coming back to India - I am ashamed of how rough and patchy my Hindi is, or how little I knew about my own history and culture, or how few iconic Indian movies I've watched.
I have been trying to piece my own thoughts about this subject for a while now — I have several essay drafts that I've been working for months with no idea how to fully encapsulate the experience. Your work is inspiring me to give my essay another shot!
Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing it with us! ❤️ It's such a beautiful and elegantly put essay. Best of luck for your next work
This entire piece resonated with me so much. I found myself nodding go to nearly every line. You capture the child of immigrants experience so well. Thank you for writing a piece I didn’t even know I needed to read. I feel so seen 🙏🏽
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective on this. There are so many layers to peel back and examine! To be aware and conscious of the internalized racism and then to ponder if one is perpetuating it on to their children. That really hit home for me.
Stephanie – what a beautiful piece on identity, acceptance, and belonging to ourselves. your essay brought me back to a time in my life when I too found myself wanting nothing more than to shed my Asian identity and blend into the white & black world around me
seeing the Seventeen magazine reminded me how much shame I used to carry about being "different." I couldn't stop nodding as I read this piece and I'm so grateful for the message you're sharing with Asian artists. there's something SO beautiful about hearing how you've transformed your relationship with your Asian identity – I'm overjoyed for a world where your daughter proudly brings leftover chicken adobo to school for lunch
Thank you for writing your perspective, Stephanie. I'm white, so I can't directly relate to your experience, but I do think about it a lot. I've been living in Thailand for almost 8 years and have a Thai partner. I often think about what it would be like if we have kids together, and how I would navigate the journey of raising them in a way that is respectful and empowering for them. We talk about it at times, and we have very different ways of seeing things based on our own biases, so it has been interesting to navigate. Perspectives like yours are enlightening to read and keep in mind.
Thank you so much for this and for sharing it with all of us. It resonated with me in so many ways. I am also first generation but my father was Japanese and my mom was a white South African. I was also a child of the 90s and so much of my childhood was spent not fitting in but desperately wanting to. From a very early age I remember my white grandmother telling me over and over again to stop squinting so much and open my eyes which carried into my teens and twenties where I'd always try to open my eyes wide for pictures. I desperately wanted blond hair and "normal" bright blue eyes like my cousins and used so much makeup in my attempt to look less "Asian." To this day I see the same self-loathing in my brother who scorns his Japanese heritage and says that the South African/Anglo-Saxon side is just so much more interesting.
Claudia was my absolute favorite character in The Babysitters Club books too! I craved characters who looked more like me but as you said, it was the 90s and that was so rare. Anyways all this to say thank you. I think it helps when we can read each other's trauma and stories and they resonate and maybe it helps each of us to realize that we are not as alone as we once thought we were. 💚
Stephanie, it's so admirable how you take the daunting leap to name it AND doing the work to tame it. I grew up (mostly) in Indonesia but with very white American TV. So while I went to a school in a local language, my cultural influences were predominantly white American. It's this really weird paradox that I'm grappling with now that I've moved out of the country, given many job opportunities because of my California accent, and also coming to terms with a paradigm that is this weird blend of Southeast Asian-Chinese + American.
Jan 28·edited Jan 29Liked by Stephanie Jucar Cooley
What an amazing piece! I can’t wait to send this to my pinay bestie who came to New Zealand in primary school and had parents who purposely didn’t integrate with the Filipino community or speak the language at home so they could integrate into Kiwi culture.
In New Zealand, my friends use a term, “plastic” to describe themselves because they look Samoan, but they can’t speak the language or aren’t super familiar with the culture. It’s kind of heartbreaking.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am half Japanese, half white living in New Zealand. I probably “pass” as being white. I was really really happy that I had a Japanese name, so I could hold onto my identity of being Japanese in a different country. (And to be honest, a bit jealous of half Japanese girls who had more Asian looks).
I don’t know about other Asian cultures, but weight and the size of a woman was something I remember growing up with.
Japanese women are small and petite. With a western diet, my mum thought she no longer looked like a “typical” Japanese woman. But to New Zealanders, she is petite and I always told her how beautiful she is, but she is very conscious of how “big” she is.
When she goes back for her Japanese high school reunions, they talk of weight like they talk about hair cuts. “Oh you’ve gotten fat” is casually said as “did you get a new hair cut”.
Unfortunately, she had pressure from my dad too (they are divorced now).
As you can imagine, it slipped into conversations with me “you’d be so pretty if you lost weight”.
Now with my girls, I am VERY conscious of the language I use about their looks and body. They feel sorry for their Obaachan/grandmother who weighs herself every day and constantly talks about how she “ate too much at the birthday dinner yesterday”.
Here’s to all the chain breakers...breaking generational chains!⛓️
I resonated with this so deeply. In my most recent post, I actually talk about the dangers of underrepresentation for kids who are from underrepresented groups. I can relate because I was one. Everything you wrote just deeply echoes with how I felt (and still do). I’m so glad things are improving for our kids and I really hope my kid doesn’t walk through life with the same insecurities I had about my “otherness.” Thank you for sharing your experience. 🙏
Jan 26·edited Jan 26Liked by Stephanie Jucar Cooley
@Stephanie Jucar Cooley, your essay eloquently touches on a topic that has been on my mind for a long time. You have described the intricate struggles that those of us who identify with having "brown skin" relate to so intimately. I especially relate to the trend of whitening our skin---whitening creams and lotions have been popular in Hong Kong where I came from since the 90s, and other beauty trends to make us look more "Western" (a.k.a. with European features) dated even earlier, to the 80s when cosmetic surgeries like the "double eyelid" surgery (to make our eyes rounder and bigger) spread to us from Japan. It seems that the whitening trend is growing throughout Asia. I saw that in my recent visit to Thailand as well.
The issue of colorism that you pointed to is real and disturbing. Also, feeling like we can never fit in, being not American enough and not "indigenous" enough in our own country is something I can totally relate to.
Lastly, I want to thank you for mentioning my newsletter and sharing my Asian American liteature list. I really appreciate your effort in highlighting and lifting up other Asian writers here. I rejoice in hearing diverse voices and minority representation on Substack. I feel inspired to write more about my own minority experience.
love this. thank you for your openness! I can totally relate to wanting to be more white-like growing up. I remember people asking me if I spoke english and I'd raise an eyebrow and say I grew up in the midwest. It's my first language! of course I speak it! I remember wishing I was blonde so people wouldn't make me feel like the token asian kid. thank you for having the courage to share this. can't wait to read more!
What a wonderful read! Thank you. I connect so much with you through the tv and music... fellow 90’s kid here. Your honesty helps make your struggle relatable. I’m Canadian and very light skinned but went to a very diverse inner city school. I remember talking about the RHCP with my first generation Saudi friend. Your writing helps me understand her more.
Anyway, I’m glad you’re forgiving yourself and to be honest, i’m not sure what there is to forgive. You were a kid meeting your social needs in a racist world. Now you’re a part of making it less racist. That and you are powerful and inspiring.
I also seriously admire your courage to write this piece. I’m just starting (made first post today) to tell my story publicly and it’s scary.
Thanks again for your writing. Looking forward to sharing posts like these with my children when they’re older
Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing this perspective. It was beautifully told and touching.
I’m white and grew up in a very white world. So it is only through friends and loved ones who I’ve connected with and generous writers like you that I can begin to imagine your experiences. And I am deeply grateful for that opening.
This was an extremely touching post. I am a multiracial person and grew up with a black parent always telling me he wanted hair like mine (my hair is straight), skin like mine, and more 'white' features like mine. It made me really uncomfortable with the things that he considered black about my features. That sort of internalized racism gets passed down and it's confusing. My dad always said because I'm racially ambiguous I can fit in anywhere, but in my experience I don't feel like I fit in anywhere at all.
While I don't share the experience of having immigrant family, I can share that feeling of a lack of belonging. Thanks for sharing your experience and what I see as generational healing 🖤
This piece is brilliant, Stephanie. My son is half-Burmese and since he was about four, has always commented on who in his class is black, brown and white. His mum is white and his dad is brown: of course he noticed it. “So and so is brown, like me.” When he was six, he asked me why no one in LOTR is brown. I had never even thought about it. He is obsessed with Hamilton (we watch the Broadway original on Disney+) and I’m taking him to see it onstage in London. He asked me “will it be the same Actors” and I said no and he said “ok, but will they be brown?” They will. I try so hard to teach him how beautiful his skin is and how amazing his Burmese heritage is and how lucky he is not to get sunburned like me. I worry constantly that an idle remark at school or an unconscious failing by me will undo it all. Also - what you said about families mirroring it back resonated. When I lived in Burma, talk in Burmese is often peppered with frank discussion of exact skin tone, praising “a phyu” (white) and shaming “a mey” (dark) or anyone who looks “kala” (a really derogatory word for Muslims from western Burma near Bangladesh). That racism only happens in Burmese language but it is loud, shameless and ever-present. Thank you for this wonderful piece that made me think a lot. ❤️
Stephanie, thank you so much for your writing. This post literally felt like I was reading my own thoughts on paper, especially the line: "I read white, I watched white, I listened to white. As difficult and embarrassing as it is to write this now, I admit — I wanted to be white."
I am Indian, and for most of my life, I've lived outside of India (12 years out of 16), moving from one country to the other and never feeling like I belonged anywhere. I was embarrassed that my parents spoke in an Indian accent, that my mother, for many years wore a Bindi, or that I listened and loved more Bollywood songs than English pop.
I felt that if I could only be white, I would be more liked and have more friends and that my opinions and words would matter more. If only I could be white, I would be able to be the princesses that I adored and watched on TV. I read books that were filled with characters who looked so unlike me that I felt that there was no place for people like me in them, or writers like me to create stories.
Now, coming back to India - I am ashamed of how rough and patchy my Hindi is, or how little I knew about my own history and culture, or how few iconic Indian movies I've watched.
I have been trying to piece my own thoughts about this subject for a while now — I have several essay drafts that I've been working for months with no idea how to fully encapsulate the experience. Your work is inspiring me to give my essay another shot!
Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing it with us! ❤️ It's such a beautiful and elegantly put essay. Best of luck for your next work
This entire piece resonated with me so much. I found myself nodding go to nearly every line. You capture the child of immigrants experience so well. Thank you for writing a piece I didn’t even know I needed to read. I feel so seen 🙏🏽
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective on this. There are so many layers to peel back and examine! To be aware and conscious of the internalized racism and then to ponder if one is perpetuating it on to their children. That really hit home for me.
Stephanie – what a beautiful piece on identity, acceptance, and belonging to ourselves. your essay brought me back to a time in my life when I too found myself wanting nothing more than to shed my Asian identity and blend into the white & black world around me
seeing the Seventeen magazine reminded me how much shame I used to carry about being "different." I couldn't stop nodding as I read this piece and I'm so grateful for the message you're sharing with Asian artists. there's something SO beautiful about hearing how you've transformed your relationship with your Asian identity – I'm overjoyed for a world where your daughter proudly brings leftover chicken adobo to school for lunch
thank you for sharing your heart with us 🤍
Thank you for writing your perspective, Stephanie. I'm white, so I can't directly relate to your experience, but I do think about it a lot. I've been living in Thailand for almost 8 years and have a Thai partner. I often think about what it would be like if we have kids together, and how I would navigate the journey of raising them in a way that is respectful and empowering for them. We talk about it at times, and we have very different ways of seeing things based on our own biases, so it has been interesting to navigate. Perspectives like yours are enlightening to read and keep in mind.
Thank you so much for this and for sharing it with all of us. It resonated with me in so many ways. I am also first generation but my father was Japanese and my mom was a white South African. I was also a child of the 90s and so much of my childhood was spent not fitting in but desperately wanting to. From a very early age I remember my white grandmother telling me over and over again to stop squinting so much and open my eyes which carried into my teens and twenties where I'd always try to open my eyes wide for pictures. I desperately wanted blond hair and "normal" bright blue eyes like my cousins and used so much makeup in my attempt to look less "Asian." To this day I see the same self-loathing in my brother who scorns his Japanese heritage and says that the South African/Anglo-Saxon side is just so much more interesting.
Claudia was my absolute favorite character in The Babysitters Club books too! I craved characters who looked more like me but as you said, it was the 90s and that was so rare. Anyways all this to say thank you. I think it helps when we can read each other's trauma and stories and they resonate and maybe it helps each of us to realize that we are not as alone as we once thought we were. 💚
Stephanie, it's so admirable how you take the daunting leap to name it AND doing the work to tame it. I grew up (mostly) in Indonesia but with very white American TV. So while I went to a school in a local language, my cultural influences were predominantly white American. It's this really weird paradox that I'm grappling with now that I've moved out of the country, given many job opportunities because of my California accent, and also coming to terms with a paradigm that is this weird blend of Southeast Asian-Chinese + American.
What an amazing piece! I can’t wait to send this to my pinay bestie who came to New Zealand in primary school and had parents who purposely didn’t integrate with the Filipino community or speak the language at home so they could integrate into Kiwi culture.
In New Zealand, my friends use a term, “plastic” to describe themselves because they look Samoan, but they can’t speak the language or aren’t super familiar with the culture. It’s kind of heartbreaking.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am half Japanese, half white living in New Zealand. I probably “pass” as being white. I was really really happy that I had a Japanese name, so I could hold onto my identity of being Japanese in a different country. (And to be honest, a bit jealous of half Japanese girls who had more Asian looks).
I don’t know about other Asian cultures, but weight and the size of a woman was something I remember growing up with.
Japanese women are small and petite. With a western diet, my mum thought she no longer looked like a “typical” Japanese woman. But to New Zealanders, she is petite and I always told her how beautiful she is, but she is very conscious of how “big” she is.
When she goes back for her Japanese high school reunions, they talk of weight like they talk about hair cuts. “Oh you’ve gotten fat” is casually said as “did you get a new hair cut”.
Unfortunately, she had pressure from my dad too (they are divorced now).
As you can imagine, it slipped into conversations with me “you’d be so pretty if you lost weight”.
Now with my girls, I am VERY conscious of the language I use about their looks and body. They feel sorry for their Obaachan/grandmother who weighs herself every day and constantly talks about how she “ate too much at the birthday dinner yesterday”.
Here’s to all the chain breakers...breaking generational chains!⛓️
I resonated with this so deeply. In my most recent post, I actually talk about the dangers of underrepresentation for kids who are from underrepresented groups. I can relate because I was one. Everything you wrote just deeply echoes with how I felt (and still do). I’m so glad things are improving for our kids and I really hope my kid doesn’t walk through life with the same insecurities I had about my “otherness.” Thank you for sharing your experience. 🙏
@Stephanie Jucar Cooley, your essay eloquently touches on a topic that has been on my mind for a long time. You have described the intricate struggles that those of us who identify with having "brown skin" relate to so intimately. I especially relate to the trend of whitening our skin---whitening creams and lotions have been popular in Hong Kong where I came from since the 90s, and other beauty trends to make us look more "Western" (a.k.a. with European features) dated even earlier, to the 80s when cosmetic surgeries like the "double eyelid" surgery (to make our eyes rounder and bigger) spread to us from Japan. It seems that the whitening trend is growing throughout Asia. I saw that in my recent visit to Thailand as well.
The issue of colorism that you pointed to is real and disturbing. Also, feeling like we can never fit in, being not American enough and not "indigenous" enough in our own country is something I can totally relate to.
Lastly, I want to thank you for mentioning my newsletter and sharing my Asian American liteature list. I really appreciate your effort in highlighting and lifting up other Asian writers here. I rejoice in hearing diverse voices and minority representation on Substack. I feel inspired to write more about my own minority experience.
love this. thank you for your openness! I can totally relate to wanting to be more white-like growing up. I remember people asking me if I spoke english and I'd raise an eyebrow and say I grew up in the midwest. It's my first language! of course I speak it! I remember wishing I was blonde so people wouldn't make me feel like the token asian kid. thank you for having the courage to share this. can't wait to read more!
What a wonderful read! Thank you. I connect so much with you through the tv and music... fellow 90’s kid here. Your honesty helps make your struggle relatable. I’m Canadian and very light skinned but went to a very diverse inner city school. I remember talking about the RHCP with my first generation Saudi friend. Your writing helps me understand her more.
Anyway, I’m glad you’re forgiving yourself and to be honest, i’m not sure what there is to forgive. You were a kid meeting your social needs in a racist world. Now you’re a part of making it less racist. That and you are powerful and inspiring.
I also seriously admire your courage to write this piece. I’m just starting (made first post today) to tell my story publicly and it’s scary.
Thanks again for your writing. Looking forward to sharing posts like these with my children when they’re older
as a first generation Filipino-America who also grew up in the 90s reading this was like reading my own biography!
Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing this perspective. It was beautifully told and touching.
I’m white and grew up in a very white world. So it is only through friends and loved ones who I’ve connected with and generous writers like you that I can begin to imagine your experiences. And I am deeply grateful for that opening.