This was an extremely touching post. I am a multiracial person and grew up with a black parent always telling me he wanted hair like mine (my hair is straight), skin like mine, and more 'white' features like mine. It made me really uncomfortable with the things that he considered black about my features. That sort of internalized racism gets passed down and it's confusing. My dad always said because I'm racially ambiguous I can fit in anywhere, but in my experience I don't feel like I fit in anywhere at all.
While I don't share the experience of having immigrant family, I can share that feeling of a lack of belonging. Thanks for sharing your experience and what I see as generational healing 🖤
Wow, I read your comment 3 times because it touched me and made me really think. I’m so glad you shared this experience -- it is so confusing for a kid and what does it teach us? Also, there’s no use blaming our parents either for having these ideas they learned too from generations of beliefs race and worthiness. I was having discussions with my sister about this because we both have biracial kids who have more of our features than our husbands. What would their experience be if they were “white passing?” Is it even an issue anymore? Multiracial children in the US are so much more common now than when we were kids. Ok, I’m just here throwing out so many thoughts. None have answers, I’m curious about it all and I’m so gratefulyou came here to share your story.
I have many of the same thoughts on a regular basis so I completely understand! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings as well, I appreciate the dialogue!
This piece is brilliant, Stephanie. My son is half-Burmese and since he was about four, has always commented on who in his class is black, brown and white. His mum is white and his dad is brown: of course he noticed it. “So and so is brown, like me.” When he was six, he asked me why no one in LOTR is brown. I had never even thought about it. He is obsessed with Hamilton (we watch the Broadway original on Disney+) and I’m taking him to see it onstage in London. He asked me “will it be the same Actors” and I said no and he said “ok, but will they be brown?” They will. I try so hard to teach him how beautiful his skin is and how amazing his Burmese heritage is and how lucky he is not to get sunburned like me. I worry constantly that an idle remark at school or an unconscious failing by me will undo it all. Also - what you said about families mirroring it back resonated. When I lived in Burma, talk in Burmese is often peppered with frank discussion of exact skin tone, praising “a phyu” (white) and shaming “a mey” (dark) or anyone who looks “kala” (a really derogatory word for Muslims from western Burma near Bangladesh). That racism only happens in Burmese language but it is loud, shameless and ever-present. Thank you for this wonderful piece that made me think a lot. ❤️
Wow, I want to meet your son! I love how he says it how it is. The questions and claims about the idea of not talking about race can lead to less racism... I know for some people it seems well meaning but that’s just not what I see nor do I think most of us see it that way! Let’s say we all started off with a “clean slate” with no racial injustice in our history, we would still notice it. We would be curious about how people live, their cultures and traditions! It’s like we notice we are male, female, or have certain other physical features. Anyway, I can talk about that topic so much more haha. Also I didn’t think about LOTR having only white actors!
Wow, I don’t know much about Burmese culture except that one of my favorite restaurants in the San Francisco Bay Area is Burmese! I’ve heard from so many people through this story who have similar talk about the darker skinned. This discussion happens everywhere! But I guess since colonization happened everywhere, I shouldn’t be surprised!
Jan 28·edited Jan 31Liked by Stephanie Jucar Cooley
Stephanie, thank you so much for your writing. This post literally felt like I was reading my own thoughts on paper, especially the line: "I read white, I watched white, I listened to white. As difficult and embarrassing as it is to write this now, I admit — I wanted to be white."
I am Indian, and for most of my life, I've lived outside of India (12 years out of 16), moving from one country to the other and never feeling like I belonged anywhere. I was embarrassed that my parents spoke in an Indian accent, that my mother, for many years wore a Bindi, or that I listened and loved more Bollywood songs than English pop.
I felt that if I could only be white, I would be more liked and have more friends and that my opinions and words would matter more. If only I could be white, I would be able to be the princesses that I adored and watched on TV. I read books that were filled with characters who looked so unlike me that I felt that there was no place for people like me in them, or writers like me to create stories.
Now, coming back to India - I am ashamed of how rough and patchy my Hindi is, or how little I knew about my own history and culture, or how few iconic Indian movies I've watched.
I have been trying to piece my own thoughts about this subject for a while now — I have several essay drafts that I've been working for months with no idea how to fully encapsulate the experience. Your work is inspiring me to give my essay another shot!
Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing it with us! ❤️ It's such a beautiful and elegantly put essay. Best of luck for your next work
Aastha! I read this comment aloud to my husband and it made me cry. The line you quoted was so so hard to write! I deleted it a couple times but it spoke to me to include it. Your embarrassment of your parents being who they are is so sad and, as you know, I felt this way too about my parents! I would love to see your piece! I am subscribed and will look out for it. I encourage you to finish one of those drafts!
This broke my heart Aastha, specially your feelings of alienation back at home. It shouldn’t feel that way because the dysphoria can cause a fragmented sense of self in adulthood. I would love to read your experiences of identity. 🌼💜
This entire piece resonated with me so much. I found myself nodding go to nearly every line. You capture the child of immigrants experience so well. Thank you for writing a piece I didn’t even know I needed to read. I feel so seen 🙏🏽
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective on this. There are so many layers to peel back and examine! To be aware and conscious of the internalized racism and then to ponder if one is perpetuating it on to their children. That really hit home for me.
Stephanie – what a beautiful piece on identity, acceptance, and belonging to ourselves. your essay brought me back to a time in my life when I too found myself wanting nothing more than to shed my Asian identity and blend into the white & black world around me
seeing the Seventeen magazine reminded me how much shame I used to carry about being "different." I couldn't stop nodding as I read this piece and I'm so grateful for the message you're sharing with Asian artists. there's something SO beautiful about hearing how you've transformed your relationship with your Asian identity – I'm overjoyed for a world where your daughter proudly brings leftover chicken adobo to school for lunch
Yes, that seventeen magazine cover brought up all sorts of feelings! I remember when Alicia silverstone played Cher in clueless and we all wanted to be her, no matter what race we were. When so many of the Asian led films made it into the mainstream over the last several years, I really started to think about my whitewashing. I finally decided when I had that conversation with my daughter, it was time to process it!
so inspiring! for me, it was when I watched 38 at the Garden with Jeremy Lin and read Simu Liu's book "We Were Dreamers" that it hit me how much I'd suppressed my Asian American identity my entire life 😮💨 a few years later, watching Everything Everywhere All at Once and Joy Ride broke me wide open
Thank you for writing your perspective, Stephanie. I'm white, so I can't directly relate to your experience, but I do think about it a lot. I've been living in Thailand for almost 8 years and have a Thai partner. I often think about what it would be like if we have kids together, and how I would navigate the journey of raising them in a way that is respectful and empowering for them. We talk about it at times, and we have very different ways of seeing things based on our own biases, so it has been interesting to navigate. Perspectives like yours are enlightening to read and keep in mind.
I really appreciate your comment from a white lens. I want to hear from you! Im curious what sorts of discussions you’ve had with your partner on this topic. The fact that you are thinking of how you would raise your kids (if you had them) knowing their background... is already empowering.
Thank you, Stephanie. We've mostly talked about where we would raise them (in in Canada or Thailand) and where they would go to school, what types of schools and which country. My partner has never been to Canada, or out of Thailand, so it would be interesting to hear his perspective again after seeing it with his own eyes.
Thank you so much for this and for sharing it with all of us. It resonated with me in so many ways. I am also first generation but my father was Japanese and my mom was a white South African. I was also a child of the 90s and so much of my childhood was spent not fitting in but desperately wanting to. From a very early age I remember my white grandmother telling me over and over again to stop squinting so much and open my eyes which carried into my teens and twenties where I'd always try to open my eyes wide for pictures. I desperately wanted blond hair and "normal" bright blue eyes like my cousins and used so much makeup in my attempt to look less "Asian." To this day I see the same self-loathing in my brother who scorns his Japanese heritage and says that the South African/Anglo-Saxon side is just so much more interesting.
Claudia was my absolute favorite character in The Babysitters Club books too! I craved characters who looked more like me but as you said, it was the 90s and that was so rare. Anyways all this to say thank you. I think it helps when we can read each other's trauma and stories and they resonate and maybe it helps each of us to realize that we are not as alone as we once thought we were. 💚
Oh my gosh I have so many memories of looking in the mirror to practice smiling so I can get my eyes to be less squinty and my nose not spread too wide! That sounds so ridiculous to me now but it was very much part of my reality! It continues to amaze me the comments that have been written in this piece. Everyone has such different racial backgrounds but something or a lot of things here resonated with them somehow. It’s a cheesy line to say but it truly is an exercise of feeling less alone.
And yay to another Claudia fan because she was the one character we can see ourselves in! I appreciate your thoughtful comment and reading about your experience!
Stephanie, it's so admirable how you take the daunting leap to name it AND doing the work to tame it. I grew up (mostly) in Indonesia but with very white American TV. So while I went to a school in a local language, my cultural influences were predominantly white American. It's this really weird paradox that I'm grappling with now that I've moved out of the country, given many job opportunities because of my California accent, and also coming to terms with a paradigm that is this weird blend of Southeast Asian-Chinese + American.
Name it to tame it was a very weird exercise. Writing the words down and admitting my whitewashing was awkward. I thought, am I really admitting this to people?!?
It has been so interesting to get thoughts from people around the world on this topic. So did you get your accent from tv? Or did your parents have California accents? That also fascinates me to think if you picked up an accent from the pop culture you consumed!
it's definitely an act of courage! The more "tamer" way my friends and I have said it is by using the term "banana" which really just means the same thing...
My parents grew up speaking Indonesian, but my accent was purely from the likes of Friends and Disney Channel. My parents put the TV on all the time in hopes that I would get the accent (and I did). Funny how that happens...
Jan 28·edited Jan 29Liked by Stephanie Jucar Cooley
What an amazing piece! I can’t wait to send this to my pinay bestie who came to New Zealand in primary school and had parents who purposely didn’t integrate with the Filipino community or speak the language at home so they could integrate into Kiwi culture.
In New Zealand, my friends use a term, “plastic” to describe themselves because they look Samoan, but they can’t speak the language or aren’t super familiar with the culture. It’s kind of heartbreaking.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am half Japanese, half white living in New Zealand. I probably “pass” as being white. I was really really happy that I had a Japanese name, so I could hold onto my identity of being Japanese in a different country. (And to be honest, a bit jealous of half Japanese girls who had more Asian looks).
I don’t know about other Asian cultures, but weight and the size of a woman was something I remember growing up with.
Japanese women are small and petite. With a western diet, my mum thought she no longer looked like a “typical” Japanese woman. But to New Zealanders, she is petite and I always told her how beautiful she is, but she is very conscious of how “big” she is.
When she goes back for her Japanese high school reunions, they talk of weight like they talk about hair cuts. “Oh you’ve gotten fat” is casually said as “did you get a new hair cut”.
Unfortunately, she had pressure from my dad too (they are divorced now).
As you can imagine, it slipped into conversations with me “you’d be so pretty if you lost weight”.
Now with my girls, I am VERY conscious of the language I use about their looks and body. They feel sorry for their Obaachan/grandmother who weighs herself every day and constantly talks about how she “ate too much at the birthday dinner yesterday”.
Here’s to all the chain breakers...breaking generational chains!⛓️
Chain breakers!!! Let me know what your friend says about it! That would be an interesting perspective from another Filipino in New Zealand!
Oh my gosh you totally bring up another point. Size and shape! Filipinos in my experience are also just so forward about your weight. Refuse grandmas food and you’re too skinny, come back from college with a few more pounds and you’re too fat! can’t freaking win! My mom is constantly trying to gain weight because she thinks it looks ugly. It’s just her body type. I think being too thin equates to poverty for my mom. But we are here in the US and having weight on is a bad thing.
Geez. So much to think about here. I’m also very cautious about how we talk about weight and body image here too. It’s why we don’t look at magazines, it’s why my kids don’t freely watch YouTube and TikTok and see influencers manipulating their looks. I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m just cautious about how much that is taken in at their age. In my case, I choose to not expose them to none of it for now.
I thought I could help with their body image by making in positive in the home, but I couldn’t compete with social media.
Although we were able to hold them off joining until they were teenagers.
Also, there’s just being a teenager around other teenagers.
So interesting about your mum trying to gain weight.
I have a Samoan friend and she has lost a lot of weight due to health issues and it isn’t really looked on as being a good thing in the culture - we are living in NZ.
Then in western culture, everyone is trying to get down to a size similar to what they see on TV and movies? 🤷♀️
Yes! My oldest is 9. We go to a school that discourages media/tv and social media so it helps their peers are generally without it too. I won’t be able to keep it away when they’re teenagers but at least I have this barrier now.
I have come to the conclusion that no matter where we live, we are being told to be someone else! It’s damaging!
I resonated with this so deeply. In my most recent post, I actually talk about the dangers of underrepresentation for kids who are from underrepresented groups. I can relate because I was one. Everything you wrote just deeply echoes with how I felt (and still do). I’m so glad things are improving for our kids and I really hope my kid doesn’t walk through life with the same insecurities I had about my “otherness.” Thank you for sharing your experience. 🙏
Hi Sri, I'm also glad things are improving for our kids. I've read books I loved as a kid to mine and I'm like wtf!? But we just talk about how this was written with the belief at that time and we now have a better understanding of how this made a person or group feel so we talk about it this way now.
Also, I just subscribed to your substack. I love the premise of your newsletter and my daughter is about to turn 10 in a few months! She loves to read so I'll be taking notes from your research and recommendations! Omg, I'm in the middle of your post you talk about here. I'll go over there and comment but you are already blowing my mind with the type of topics you explore when it comes to childrens books. I look forward to learning from you.
I definitely read a few books I loved from my childhood and CRINGED. Some of those books haven’t aged well AT ALL. I think it’s so great you’re talking it through with your kid. Maybe it’s very pragmatic of me but I do feel that if you’re from an underrepresented group just knowing that everyone feels “othered” at times goes a long way to building resilience. Thank you so much for subscribing and I always welcome ideas and suggestions for topics I can cover!
Jan 26·edited Jan 26Liked by Stephanie Jucar Cooley
@Stephanie Jucar Cooley, your essay eloquently touches on a topic that has been on my mind for a long time. You have described the intricate struggles that those of us who identify with having "brown skin" relate to so intimately. I especially relate to the trend of whitening our skin---whitening creams and lotions have been popular in Hong Kong where I came from since the 90s, and other beauty trends to make us look more "Western" (a.k.a. with European features) dated even earlier, to the 80s when cosmetic surgeries like the "double eyelid" surgery (to make our eyes rounder and bigger) spread to us from Japan. It seems that the whitening trend is growing throughout Asia. I saw that in my recent visit to Thailand as well.
The issue of colorism that you pointed to is real and disturbing. Also, feeling like we can never fit in, being not American enough and not "indigenous" enough in our own country is something I can totally relate to.
Lastly, I want to thank you for mentioning my newsletter and sharing my Asian American liteature list. I really appreciate your effort in highlighting and lifting up other Asian writers here. I rejoice in hearing diverse voices and minority representation on Substack. I feel inspired to write more about my own minority experience.
Omg I appreciate your thoughts so much. I don’t know why I was so taken aback by the skin whitening phenomenon. I had been living in Oakland and working in San Francisco right before this and that just wasn’t a thing there. I had been living in such a diverse community, I forgot this exists in so much of the world.
The double eyelid too! I remember it was a thing with girls in my town growing up and I also secretly wished I could do the same.
When you sent me that list I was so inspired by your blatant effort to put this all in one place to reference and read. It was part of my processing and another reason I realized that it’s so important to hear from these voices.
You're so very welcome, and I appreciate your reading my work!
I should make the document public so anybody can add to it? It would be awesome!
Regarding the whitening trend, the more I look at it the more I think it's a capitalistic exploitation, to sell more products based on our own insecurity and internalized self-hatred. The thing is, living in the West (including my time in Sweden) made me realize that having tan skin is desirable, because it implies you have the luxury to travel to warm countries. In Asia, it's the opposite. Because the sun is so abundance in many parts of the continent, and being exposed to the sun harkens back to the days when our ancestors labored in the fields-- and many still do, so having dark skin is not desirable. Being fair-skinned means you have the luxury of staying indoors and being a "lady." That's why self-tanning lotions are so popular in Nordic countries whereas whitening lotions are popular in Asia. I have always loved having tan skin so I don't care what my mother or my society considers to be the ideal for beauty.
BTW, you mentioned Luzon in your essay. When I heard that name, I automatically thought of the Luzon mangoes. I think they are the most delicious mangoes in the world and I miss eating them!!!
love this. thank you for your openness! I can totally relate to wanting to be more white-like growing up. I remember people asking me if I spoke english and I'd raise an eyebrow and say I grew up in the midwest. It's my first language! of course I speak it! I remember wishing I was blonde so people wouldn't make me feel like the token asian kid. thank you for having the courage to share this. can't wait to read more!
OH YES the do you speak english!? I don't think I ever got that but I do know others who have. Haven't we all wished we were blond at some point? Which is so funny to me now because with my look and skin color I WOULD LOOK RIDICULOUS hahahah! Thank you for coming here to give your thoughts!
What a wonderful read! Thank you. I connect so much with you through the tv and music... fellow 90’s kid here. Your honesty helps make your struggle relatable. I’m Canadian and very light skinned but went to a very diverse inner city school. I remember talking about the RHCP with my first generation Saudi friend. Your writing helps me understand her more.
Anyway, I’m glad you’re forgiving yourself and to be honest, i’m not sure what there is to forgive. You were a kid meeting your social needs in a racist world. Now you’re a part of making it less racist. That and you are powerful and inspiring.
I also seriously admire your courage to write this piece. I’m just starting (made first post today) to tell my story publicly and it’s scary.
Thanks again for your writing. Looking forward to sharing posts like these with my children when they’re older
Hi Amy! Thank you for saying that. You're right, there's nothing to forgive. But I still feel a tinge of guilt for how much I just shoved away such a huge part of myself. Wow, I read a couple of your pieces and you are a talented writer! Lots to think about and digest with your work
That makes sense... My mom essentially remarried a woman (an amazing second mom to me). I did so much to hide it as a teen. Definitely feel shame about not being able to be braver. I imagine it’s similar but even more personal. I hope writing about it feels therapeutic
Wow! Thank you for reading. It truly means a lot. Writing is not natural for me. Math and science feel much easier. I’ve worked hard to gain proficiency and i’m happy it’s showing
Wow, I don't know how old you are but I can imagine that before, that was as not accepted as it may be now (and some parts of our country and world are still not as accepting). Will you write about that relationship? I look forward to seeing this.
Also, that's what I like about your writing. You somehow infused your math and science type of thinking in your essays. I don't know how you do it, but it works. Also, this comes from a very math illiterate person :)
I’m 31 and grew up in Edmonton where it’s quite liberal. I also went to a very progressive school. There were still homophobic people in my class. Even in that environment it felt threatening.
I honestly never thought to write on it. It’s a great idea.
Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing this perspective. It was beautifully told and touching.
I’m white and grew up in a very white world. So it is only through friends and loved ones who I’ve connected with and generous writers like you that I can begin to imagine your experiences. And I am deeply grateful for that opening.
Holly!! I really love your response. It’s full of respect and open mindedness and everyone needs to be more like you, no matter their race! All we can do is read more, have peaceful discussions, learn and be curious. Thank you again for reading and sending this note.
This was an extremely touching post. I am a multiracial person and grew up with a black parent always telling me he wanted hair like mine (my hair is straight), skin like mine, and more 'white' features like mine. It made me really uncomfortable with the things that he considered black about my features. That sort of internalized racism gets passed down and it's confusing. My dad always said because I'm racially ambiguous I can fit in anywhere, but in my experience I don't feel like I fit in anywhere at all.
While I don't share the experience of having immigrant family, I can share that feeling of a lack of belonging. Thanks for sharing your experience and what I see as generational healing 🖤
Wow, I read your comment 3 times because it touched me and made me really think. I’m so glad you shared this experience -- it is so confusing for a kid and what does it teach us? Also, there’s no use blaming our parents either for having these ideas they learned too from generations of beliefs race and worthiness. I was having discussions with my sister about this because we both have biracial kids who have more of our features than our husbands. What would their experience be if they were “white passing?” Is it even an issue anymore? Multiracial children in the US are so much more common now than when we were kids. Ok, I’m just here throwing out so many thoughts. None have answers, I’m curious about it all and I’m so gratefulyou came here to share your story.
I have many of the same thoughts on a regular basis so I completely understand! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings as well, I appreciate the dialogue!
This piece is brilliant, Stephanie. My son is half-Burmese and since he was about four, has always commented on who in his class is black, brown and white. His mum is white and his dad is brown: of course he noticed it. “So and so is brown, like me.” When he was six, he asked me why no one in LOTR is brown. I had never even thought about it. He is obsessed with Hamilton (we watch the Broadway original on Disney+) and I’m taking him to see it onstage in London. He asked me “will it be the same Actors” and I said no and he said “ok, but will they be brown?” They will. I try so hard to teach him how beautiful his skin is and how amazing his Burmese heritage is and how lucky he is not to get sunburned like me. I worry constantly that an idle remark at school or an unconscious failing by me will undo it all. Also - what you said about families mirroring it back resonated. When I lived in Burma, talk in Burmese is often peppered with frank discussion of exact skin tone, praising “a phyu” (white) and shaming “a mey” (dark) or anyone who looks “kala” (a really derogatory word for Muslims from western Burma near Bangladesh). That racism only happens in Burmese language but it is loud, shameless and ever-present. Thank you for this wonderful piece that made me think a lot. ❤️
Wow, I want to meet your son! I love how he says it how it is. The questions and claims about the idea of not talking about race can lead to less racism... I know for some people it seems well meaning but that’s just not what I see nor do I think most of us see it that way! Let’s say we all started off with a “clean slate” with no racial injustice in our history, we would still notice it. We would be curious about how people live, their cultures and traditions! It’s like we notice we are male, female, or have certain other physical features. Anyway, I can talk about that topic so much more haha. Also I didn’t think about LOTR having only white actors!
Wow, I don’t know much about Burmese culture except that one of my favorite restaurants in the San Francisco Bay Area is Burmese! I’ve heard from so many people through this story who have similar talk about the darker skinned. This discussion happens everywhere! But I guess since colonization happened everywhere, I shouldn’t be surprised!
Stephanie, thank you so much for your writing. This post literally felt like I was reading my own thoughts on paper, especially the line: "I read white, I watched white, I listened to white. As difficult and embarrassing as it is to write this now, I admit — I wanted to be white."
I am Indian, and for most of my life, I've lived outside of India (12 years out of 16), moving from one country to the other and never feeling like I belonged anywhere. I was embarrassed that my parents spoke in an Indian accent, that my mother, for many years wore a Bindi, or that I listened and loved more Bollywood songs than English pop.
I felt that if I could only be white, I would be more liked and have more friends and that my opinions and words would matter more. If only I could be white, I would be able to be the princesses that I adored and watched on TV. I read books that were filled with characters who looked so unlike me that I felt that there was no place for people like me in them, or writers like me to create stories.
Now, coming back to India - I am ashamed of how rough and patchy my Hindi is, or how little I knew about my own history and culture, or how few iconic Indian movies I've watched.
I have been trying to piece my own thoughts about this subject for a while now — I have several essay drafts that I've been working for months with no idea how to fully encapsulate the experience. Your work is inspiring me to give my essay another shot!
Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing it with us! ❤️ It's such a beautiful and elegantly put essay. Best of luck for your next work
Aastha! I read this comment aloud to my husband and it made me cry. The line you quoted was so so hard to write! I deleted it a couple times but it spoke to me to include it. Your embarrassment of your parents being who they are is so sad and, as you know, I felt this way too about my parents! I would love to see your piece! I am subscribed and will look out for it. I encourage you to finish one of those drafts!
This broke my heart Aastha, specially your feelings of alienation back at home. It shouldn’t feel that way because the dysphoria can cause a fragmented sense of self in adulthood. I would love to read your experiences of identity. 🌼💜
This entire piece resonated with me so much. I found myself nodding go to nearly every line. You capture the child of immigrants experience so well. Thank you for writing a piece I didn’t even know I needed to read. I feel so seen 🙏🏽
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective on this. There are so many layers to peel back and examine! To be aware and conscious of the internalized racism and then to ponder if one is perpetuating it on to their children. That really hit home for me.
Stephanie – what a beautiful piece on identity, acceptance, and belonging to ourselves. your essay brought me back to a time in my life when I too found myself wanting nothing more than to shed my Asian identity and blend into the white & black world around me
seeing the Seventeen magazine reminded me how much shame I used to carry about being "different." I couldn't stop nodding as I read this piece and I'm so grateful for the message you're sharing with Asian artists. there's something SO beautiful about hearing how you've transformed your relationship with your Asian identity – I'm overjoyed for a world where your daughter proudly brings leftover chicken adobo to school for lunch
thank you for sharing your heart with us 🤍
Yes, that seventeen magazine cover brought up all sorts of feelings! I remember when Alicia silverstone played Cher in clueless and we all wanted to be her, no matter what race we were. When so many of the Asian led films made it into the mainstream over the last several years, I really started to think about my whitewashing. I finally decided when I had that conversation with my daughter, it was time to process it!
so inspiring! for me, it was when I watched 38 at the Garden with Jeremy Lin and read Simu Liu's book "We Were Dreamers" that it hit me how much I'd suppressed my Asian American identity my entire life 😮💨 a few years later, watching Everything Everywhere All at Once and Joy Ride broke me wide open
Thank you for writing your perspective, Stephanie. I'm white, so I can't directly relate to your experience, but I do think about it a lot. I've been living in Thailand for almost 8 years and have a Thai partner. I often think about what it would be like if we have kids together, and how I would navigate the journey of raising them in a way that is respectful and empowering for them. We talk about it at times, and we have very different ways of seeing things based on our own biases, so it has been interesting to navigate. Perspectives like yours are enlightening to read and keep in mind.
I really appreciate your comment from a white lens. I want to hear from you! Im curious what sorts of discussions you’ve had with your partner on this topic. The fact that you are thinking of how you would raise your kids (if you had them) knowing their background... is already empowering.
Thank you, Stephanie. We've mostly talked about where we would raise them (in in Canada or Thailand) and where they would go to school, what types of schools and which country. My partner has never been to Canada, or out of Thailand, so it would be interesting to hear his perspective again after seeing it with his own eyes.
Thank you so much for this and for sharing it with all of us. It resonated with me in so many ways. I am also first generation but my father was Japanese and my mom was a white South African. I was also a child of the 90s and so much of my childhood was spent not fitting in but desperately wanting to. From a very early age I remember my white grandmother telling me over and over again to stop squinting so much and open my eyes which carried into my teens and twenties where I'd always try to open my eyes wide for pictures. I desperately wanted blond hair and "normal" bright blue eyes like my cousins and used so much makeup in my attempt to look less "Asian." To this day I see the same self-loathing in my brother who scorns his Japanese heritage and says that the South African/Anglo-Saxon side is just so much more interesting.
Claudia was my absolute favorite character in The Babysitters Club books too! I craved characters who looked more like me but as you said, it was the 90s and that was so rare. Anyways all this to say thank you. I think it helps when we can read each other's trauma and stories and they resonate and maybe it helps each of us to realize that we are not as alone as we once thought we were. 💚
Oh my gosh I have so many memories of looking in the mirror to practice smiling so I can get my eyes to be less squinty and my nose not spread too wide! That sounds so ridiculous to me now but it was very much part of my reality! It continues to amaze me the comments that have been written in this piece. Everyone has such different racial backgrounds but something or a lot of things here resonated with them somehow. It’s a cheesy line to say but it truly is an exercise of feeling less alone.
And yay to another Claudia fan because she was the one character we can see ourselves in! I appreciate your thoughtful comment and reading about your experience!
Stephanie, it's so admirable how you take the daunting leap to name it AND doing the work to tame it. I grew up (mostly) in Indonesia but with very white American TV. So while I went to a school in a local language, my cultural influences were predominantly white American. It's this really weird paradox that I'm grappling with now that I've moved out of the country, given many job opportunities because of my California accent, and also coming to terms with a paradigm that is this weird blend of Southeast Asian-Chinese + American.
Name it to tame it was a very weird exercise. Writing the words down and admitting my whitewashing was awkward. I thought, am I really admitting this to people?!?
It has been so interesting to get thoughts from people around the world on this topic. So did you get your accent from tv? Or did your parents have California accents? That also fascinates me to think if you picked up an accent from the pop culture you consumed!
it's definitely an act of courage! The more "tamer" way my friends and I have said it is by using the term "banana" which really just means the same thing...
My parents grew up speaking Indonesian, but my accent was purely from the likes of Friends and Disney Channel. My parents put the TV on all the time in hopes that I would get the accent (and I did). Funny how that happens...
What an amazing piece! I can’t wait to send this to my pinay bestie who came to New Zealand in primary school and had parents who purposely didn’t integrate with the Filipino community or speak the language at home so they could integrate into Kiwi culture.
In New Zealand, my friends use a term, “plastic” to describe themselves because they look Samoan, but they can’t speak the language or aren’t super familiar with the culture. It’s kind of heartbreaking.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am half Japanese, half white living in New Zealand. I probably “pass” as being white. I was really really happy that I had a Japanese name, so I could hold onto my identity of being Japanese in a different country. (And to be honest, a bit jealous of half Japanese girls who had more Asian looks).
I don’t know about other Asian cultures, but weight and the size of a woman was something I remember growing up with.
Japanese women are small and petite. With a western diet, my mum thought she no longer looked like a “typical” Japanese woman. But to New Zealanders, she is petite and I always told her how beautiful she is, but she is very conscious of how “big” she is.
When she goes back for her Japanese high school reunions, they talk of weight like they talk about hair cuts. “Oh you’ve gotten fat” is casually said as “did you get a new hair cut”.
Unfortunately, she had pressure from my dad too (they are divorced now).
As you can imagine, it slipped into conversations with me “you’d be so pretty if you lost weight”.
Now with my girls, I am VERY conscious of the language I use about their looks and body. They feel sorry for their Obaachan/grandmother who weighs herself every day and constantly talks about how she “ate too much at the birthday dinner yesterday”.
Here’s to all the chain breakers...breaking generational chains!⛓️
Chain breakers!!! Let me know what your friend says about it! That would be an interesting perspective from another Filipino in New Zealand!
Oh my gosh you totally bring up another point. Size and shape! Filipinos in my experience are also just so forward about your weight. Refuse grandmas food and you’re too skinny, come back from college with a few more pounds and you’re too fat! can’t freaking win! My mom is constantly trying to gain weight because she thinks it looks ugly. It’s just her body type. I think being too thin equates to poverty for my mom. But we are here in the US and having weight on is a bad thing.
Geez. So much to think about here. I’m also very cautious about how we talk about weight and body image here too. It’s why we don’t look at magazines, it’s why my kids don’t freely watch YouTube and TikTok and see influencers manipulating their looks. I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m just cautious about how much that is taken in at their age. In my case, I choose to not expose them to none of it for now.
Delay social media for as long as you can.
I thought I could help with their body image by making in positive in the home, but I couldn’t compete with social media.
Although we were able to hold them off joining until they were teenagers.
Also, there’s just being a teenager around other teenagers.
So interesting about your mum trying to gain weight.
I have a Samoan friend and she has lost a lot of weight due to health issues and it isn’t really looked on as being a good thing in the culture - we are living in NZ.
Then in western culture, everyone is trying to get down to a size similar to what they see on TV and movies? 🤷♀️
Yes! My oldest is 9. We go to a school that discourages media/tv and social media so it helps their peers are generally without it too. I won’t be able to keep it away when they’re teenagers but at least I have this barrier now.
I have come to the conclusion that no matter where we live, we are being told to be someone else! It’s damaging!
I resonated with this so deeply. In my most recent post, I actually talk about the dangers of underrepresentation for kids who are from underrepresented groups. I can relate because I was one. Everything you wrote just deeply echoes with how I felt (and still do). I’m so glad things are improving for our kids and I really hope my kid doesn’t walk through life with the same insecurities I had about my “otherness.” Thank you for sharing your experience. 🙏
Hi Sri, I'm also glad things are improving for our kids. I've read books I loved as a kid to mine and I'm like wtf!? But we just talk about how this was written with the belief at that time and we now have a better understanding of how this made a person or group feel so we talk about it this way now.
Also, I just subscribed to your substack. I love the premise of your newsletter and my daughter is about to turn 10 in a few months! She loves to read so I'll be taking notes from your research and recommendations! Omg, I'm in the middle of your post you talk about here. I'll go over there and comment but you are already blowing my mind with the type of topics you explore when it comes to childrens books. I look forward to learning from you.
I definitely read a few books I loved from my childhood and CRINGED. Some of those books haven’t aged well AT ALL. I think it’s so great you’re talking it through with your kid. Maybe it’s very pragmatic of me but I do feel that if you’re from an underrepresented group just knowing that everyone feels “othered” at times goes a long way to building resilience. Thank you so much for subscribing and I always welcome ideas and suggestions for topics I can cover!
@Stephanie Jucar Cooley, your essay eloquently touches on a topic that has been on my mind for a long time. You have described the intricate struggles that those of us who identify with having "brown skin" relate to so intimately. I especially relate to the trend of whitening our skin---whitening creams and lotions have been popular in Hong Kong where I came from since the 90s, and other beauty trends to make us look more "Western" (a.k.a. with European features) dated even earlier, to the 80s when cosmetic surgeries like the "double eyelid" surgery (to make our eyes rounder and bigger) spread to us from Japan. It seems that the whitening trend is growing throughout Asia. I saw that in my recent visit to Thailand as well.
The issue of colorism that you pointed to is real and disturbing. Also, feeling like we can never fit in, being not American enough and not "indigenous" enough in our own country is something I can totally relate to.
Lastly, I want to thank you for mentioning my newsletter and sharing my Asian American liteature list. I really appreciate your effort in highlighting and lifting up other Asian writers here. I rejoice in hearing diverse voices and minority representation on Substack. I feel inspired to write more about my own minority experience.
Omg I appreciate your thoughts so much. I don’t know why I was so taken aback by the skin whitening phenomenon. I had been living in Oakland and working in San Francisco right before this and that just wasn’t a thing there. I had been living in such a diverse community, I forgot this exists in so much of the world.
The double eyelid too! I remember it was a thing with girls in my town growing up and I also secretly wished I could do the same.
When you sent me that list I was so inspired by your blatant effort to put this all in one place to reference and read. It was part of my processing and another reason I realized that it’s so important to hear from these voices.
I’ve been enjoying reading your work!
You're so very welcome, and I appreciate your reading my work!
I should make the document public so anybody can add to it? It would be awesome!
Regarding the whitening trend, the more I look at it the more I think it's a capitalistic exploitation, to sell more products based on our own insecurity and internalized self-hatred. The thing is, living in the West (including my time in Sweden) made me realize that having tan skin is desirable, because it implies you have the luxury to travel to warm countries. In Asia, it's the opposite. Because the sun is so abundance in many parts of the continent, and being exposed to the sun harkens back to the days when our ancestors labored in the fields-- and many still do, so having dark skin is not desirable. Being fair-skinned means you have the luxury of staying indoors and being a "lady." That's why self-tanning lotions are so popular in Nordic countries whereas whitening lotions are popular in Asia. I have always loved having tan skin so I don't care what my mother or my society considers to be the ideal for beauty.
BTW, you mentioned Luzon in your essay. When I heard that name, I automatically thought of the Luzon mangoes. I think they are the most delicious mangoes in the world and I miss eating them!!!
love this. thank you for your openness! I can totally relate to wanting to be more white-like growing up. I remember people asking me if I spoke english and I'd raise an eyebrow and say I grew up in the midwest. It's my first language! of course I speak it! I remember wishing I was blonde so people wouldn't make me feel like the token asian kid. thank you for having the courage to share this. can't wait to read more!
OH YES the do you speak english!? I don't think I ever got that but I do know others who have. Haven't we all wished we were blond at some point? Which is so funny to me now because with my look and skin color I WOULD LOOK RIDICULOUS hahahah! Thank you for coming here to give your thoughts!
What a wonderful read! Thank you. I connect so much with you through the tv and music... fellow 90’s kid here. Your honesty helps make your struggle relatable. I’m Canadian and very light skinned but went to a very diverse inner city school. I remember talking about the RHCP with my first generation Saudi friend. Your writing helps me understand her more.
Anyway, I’m glad you’re forgiving yourself and to be honest, i’m not sure what there is to forgive. You were a kid meeting your social needs in a racist world. Now you’re a part of making it less racist. That and you are powerful and inspiring.
I also seriously admire your courage to write this piece. I’m just starting (made first post today) to tell my story publicly and it’s scary.
Thanks again for your writing. Looking forward to sharing posts like these with my children when they’re older
Hi Amy! Thank you for saying that. You're right, there's nothing to forgive. But I still feel a tinge of guilt for how much I just shoved away such a huge part of myself. Wow, I read a couple of your pieces and you are a talented writer! Lots to think about and digest with your work
That makes sense... My mom essentially remarried a woman (an amazing second mom to me). I did so much to hide it as a teen. Definitely feel shame about not being able to be braver. I imagine it’s similar but even more personal. I hope writing about it feels therapeutic
Wow! Thank you for reading. It truly means a lot. Writing is not natural for me. Math and science feel much easier. I’ve worked hard to gain proficiency and i’m happy it’s showing
Wow, I don't know how old you are but I can imagine that before, that was as not accepted as it may be now (and some parts of our country and world are still not as accepting). Will you write about that relationship? I look forward to seeing this.
Also, that's what I like about your writing. You somehow infused your math and science type of thinking in your essays. I don't know how you do it, but it works. Also, this comes from a very math illiterate person :)
I’m 31 and grew up in Edmonton where it’s quite liberal. I also went to a very progressive school. There were still homophobic people in my class. Even in that environment it felt threatening.
I honestly never thought to write on it. It’s a great idea.
as a first generation Filipino-America who also grew up in the 90s reading this was like reading my own biography!
Thank you for reading and commenting and being a Filipina writer and I subscribed to you!
Filipinas supporting Filipinas <3<3<3
Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing this perspective. It was beautifully told and touching.
I’m white and grew up in a very white world. So it is only through friends and loved ones who I’ve connected with and generous writers like you that I can begin to imagine your experiences. And I am deeply grateful for that opening.
Holly!! I really love your response. It’s full of respect and open mindedness and everyone needs to be more like you, no matter their race! All we can do is read more, have peaceful discussions, learn and be curious. Thank you again for reading and sending this note.