Never mind the wheel pose: Is the back-bending path serving you?

Lessons from a yoga teacher training + confidence in doing the “easy” life path and feeling whole

As I prepare for my final project tomorrow for yoga teacher training, I celebrate unaccomplished goals.

It’s been 15 weeks, every Saturday and some Sundays, many hours of practice teaching, attending yoga classes across studios in my area, and way more anatomical reading I could care for.

My first goal was to learn more about the roots of yoga and understand what I’m doing because I knew it was more than holding a pretzel-like pose for a few breaths. I did not have plans to teach but I’ll get more into that later in the newsletter.

Then I had another goal.

mid-life crisis #goals (Zachary Kyra-Derksen on Unsplash)

As a generally inflexible person, I had visions of myself at the end of training finally accomplishing a challenging posture, one of the most intense back-bending poses in yoga — the wheel pose.

It was indicative of my larger intention to be in peak physical shape. I wanted to achieve a certain level of physicality at the age of 40. Maybe it was a mid-life crisis thing. It didn’t help I fell in the comparison trap watching bendy influencers so I went to more intense yoga classes several days a week. Plus, I wanted Angela Bassett arms (who doesn’t?!). I sought to achieve flexibility I’ve never reached before, and do it all in the few months of training.

Now, with my 200-hour teacher training nearly done, I have not hit my goal. Not only am I unable to do the wheel pose, I’m no closer to getting there. And I don’t care.

What I didn’t achieve physically, I achieved a deeper sense of self realization, a mind body connection.

been admiring these arms since the 90s

Throughout half of my training, I was sick, both mentally and physically. My body was in bed and my mind took me to dark places.

However, forced stillness also brought clarity.

In an Ayurveda workshop (one of the world’s oldest whole-body healing systems and a Sanskrit word meaning “science of life”), I learned about our doshas, which are “‘energy principals’ … that govern our tendencies, affinities, structure, functions and even susceptibility to certain types of ailments.’”

According to my dosha, called Vata, it suggests I am “creative but could be inconsistent and their mood could fluctuate quickly.”

Omg, hi. That’s 1000% me.🙋🏽‍♀️

The recommendations also warn about Vata folks taking on too much and needing to slow down, which I suck at. Another description got me the most: “a vata-balancing approach to physical activity should be gentle, stabilizing, and guard against over-exertion.”

Since learning more about my dosha, I’ve been attending slower flow, meditative and restorative yoga classes instead of my usual intense vinyasa classes. I’m embarrassed to admit I put these classes lower on the hierarchy in my physical practice because I thought they were too “easy” for me. But I’ve left those classes more nourished than many of my “difficult” classes. The gentler classes calm my erratic mind; I’ll take this sensation any day over Angela Bassett’s arms.

And when I attended an energetic flow class, I allowed myself to skip or modify poses more often than before. I went as far as cutting the usual negative self talk for not matching the postures of my teacher or my most flexible classmates.

I hadn’t realized how much I believed in a warped view of a “successful”, hard earned life. We push ourselves too far to earn a false sense of the right to happiness. We are inundated with the mentality that if you’re not working hard enough, then you’re doing it wrong. We live in a society that celebrates high functioning achievers, busyness, and a “work hard, play hard” mindset. While the mantra works for some, it’s not for me and it doesn’t make me a weaker or a less worthy person.¹ It’s hard as hell to unlearn the mindset. Anyone else with me on this?

Our thresholds are different. I am reevaluating the speed and endurance in which I’ve been operating. Have you asked yourself lately:

Is the back-bending path of living life serving you?

I’ve made changes in where I spend my energy. I'm nervous about receiving more time back when the training is done. Do I have the ability to embrace the space on my calendar rather than fill it?

This training allowed me to take the time to assess how I treat my body and mind. It has given me the access to try different possibilities and options for living. Like yoga, it is a constant practice.

---

my class and teachers at the beginning of the program

I want to take us back to my original goal of deepening my knowledge of yoga, and share my thoughts on teaching.

My teachers created a wonderful program with a solid base layer of the roots and philosophy of yoga. I realize a 200-hour training can only scratch the surface in its rich history. We learned about topics that are important to me personally, including social change, trauma-informed yoga, accessibility, diversity, and equity. We asked ourselves who we teach yoga to, who we practice alongside.

But I probably couldn’t tell you many of the facts and philosophies I learned off the top of my head. (Sorry, Taina and Shelby!) However, I’m more than fine with my low history retention because I’m staring at the massive pile of everything else I learned about myself. That said…

I don’t want to be a yoga teacher.

A part of my “work hard play hard” mentality is telling me to push myself to do it but I am honoring my heart. I am inspired by my class and teachers; we were a magical group and I write that with sincerity. These women taught me about vulnerability and compassion. I was amazed at how a room of 14 women can bring peace, love, and inspiration with them every single week.

This training gave me a new perspective each time I attend a yoga class. While I don’t love teaching, I love seeing my classmates teach and I look forward to taking their classes. These last 5 months made me love and appreciate being a student so much more.

What do you think? Is there an area of your life that’s like attempting a back-bend but you need something more gentle? Do you thrive on the work hard play hard mentality? Send me a message, I’d love to hear from you.

---

Did you know I’m like a pendulum? I’m a glutton for too much and then swing the other way for the desperate search for rest. This is a theme in my life. Read more of my work here:

1. MUST REMIND MYSELF AND REPEAT!!!