Studies say venting doesn't work so what do we do when we're pissed off?

How to take out the mental trash

our piano

Last week, my 6-year-old son realized he did not practice his latest song on the piano, which he tries to do every day. I told him it’s not time for that, it’s time for bed.

One might think, WHAT, WOMAN!? A young soul wants to practice the art of a classical musical instrument and you deprived him of his creative desires?!

If you asked this question, you must not be a mom of small children. Plus, my husband had been gone for a week. Mama needed this bedtime.

Regardless, I’m confident the tears came from the kid being overtired, not his dying love for the black and whites. As he brushed his teeth, he continued to cry. As he got into bed, more tears.

I rubbed his back and he was still crying.

I asked, “Is there something else bothering you?”

It’s as if this 6-year-old had been waiting for me to ask that question his entire life. I opened a portal. He had a dump truck full of emotional trash polluting his little soul for too long and I was about to be the junkyard to receive it.

“My room is too messy!” cried the Virgo, who loves to organize.

“Oh!” I was caught off guard. I guess his room is a little messy? “OK, we can clean it up tomorrow. Is that all?”

No. That was not all.

“I have too many toys in my room, we need to donate them all!” The sobs continued.

“OK, we can sort through your toys later,” I said. “Is there anything else bothering you?”

Then there was a pause.

“The Easter Bunny didn’t visit us!”

What the curveball?!

Not that I need to explain my parenting choices with you, I am about to. We have too many magical beings I need to manage a year. Hard pass on the creepy rabbit.

hard pass on this (by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash)

I replied, “Well, we don’t really celebrate the Easter Bunny.”

He had been stewing on this one.

“Well, I wanted to see if he would visit us! And now I don’t know if fairies are real. I don’t know if Santa is real!”

OMG what do I say!? Address fictional fairies and fat white men thru chimneys later.

“Ummm,” I said, wondering if this was almost over. “Is there anything else?”

Yes. The answer is yes, there’s more trash to dump.

“I don’t like parties with too many people! Fred’s¹ birthday party had too many kids. There were 10 cars parked in their driveway!”

As an extroverted introvert, I thought, same, dude, same. So, I said, “I agree, I like smaller parties.”

But he needed to elaborate. “For Christmas, I don’t want too many people here.”

Well, I guess he’s an organizer AND a planner.

“OK, this is good to know,” I said. “For Christmas, we will have to figure out our plans with our family…”

And just like that, he was asleep. He didn’t let out a cry, a complaint, nor did he move.

He was out. He unloaded his worries and he was at peace.

When I wrote today’s newsletter, I initially planned on writing the above then wrap it up in a bow and remind you that everyone needs to unload their worries and get all the internal muck off their chest.

But after opening pandora’s box, also known as the Internet, my piece today went in a completely different direction.

I came across research that says venting does not help you feel less angry or frustrated. In fact, it riles you up more.

Researchers at the Ohio State University analyzed more than 150 studies that includes more than 10,000 participants and discovered that the act of venting, or “blowing off steam” actually increases physiological arousal. Essentially, it’s fanning the flame, making your anger more angry.

Upon further googling, a bunch of studies said similar results. To which I ask, what are we supposed to do?

According to the same research, we should instead participate in “arousal-decreasing” practices, which are meant to calm you down, like breathing exercises, meditation, yoga, mindfulness.

Honestly, when I read these conclusions, I was annoyed. Don’t tell me to just breathe.

Sometimes I just want to call one of my sisters and bitch about what’s bothering me. Don’t we all sometimes? What’s the harm in that?

Are we supposed to just keep it bottled up inside? If you shake that bottle enough, it will eventually explode. I’m an expressive person, I talk things through to process them and understand myself and those around me.

Other studies say that venting may not help you feel better about your problems and make them worse long term. Why is the internet telling me such ludicrous things?! Fine, I understand we should not dwell in our problems for too long. Of course continuing to focus on the negative will keep us in that negative headspace.

But is there really harm in talking about our issues with a trusted source who is open to hearing you out? Some of us want to talk it out, an essential part of our human nature, where we want connection when we feel alone in our emotions. I believe venting is essential to release what is bothering us.

Venting is a request to be heard.

As I think about the act of venting and cull through all the studies and articles I read online, I spotted a theme. Only letting out all our frustrations isn’t helping. However, it’s a different story to turn that vent session into a constructive conversation.

I noticed the gray area of just venting the anger vs. venting the anger AND talking through the root cause and actively working on how to process the emotion. Essentially, it’s about venting AND problem solving.

There’s many ways to process our emotions. What about talk therapy? What if the person you are venting to listens and asks you helpful questions?

Plus, there’s the aspect of seeking validation for your feelings. When I think of all the times I had to release what was bothering me inside, talking it through with someone I trust made me feel better knowing I was not alone.

This is why I write my newsletter. It’s my own way of venting. Through writing and analysis over time, I am able to process my thoughts more clearly, more intelligently, and with my mind and my heart. Again, it’s about feeling connected rather than be alone in our thoughts. It’s my hope that those who read my work will feel validated from a similar experience.

While I was bothered by the research findings that said expressing our emotions verbally when we’re angry aren’t helpful, I can see the nuance. If you’re going to vent, vent constructively. Also, I know I said earlier I was annoyed by this but I will admit, those researchers are probably right that it can’t hurt if you did a breathing exercise. But be kind to yourself if you don’t go to the breathing/meditation/mindfulness method first.

I did not conduct a peer reviewed study nor do I have any real authority on the topic. However, I say, go ahead and vent! Take out the mental trash AND don’t stop there. Do something to change what angered you.

Since my son’s vent session, we’ve stored or donated a bunch of toys and random objects from his room. He’s expressed his feelings again about his distaste for large birthday parties and I let him know we will keep that in mind the next time we are invited to one. As for the fictional beings, I guess I’ll consider the damn rabbit’s appearance next year.

What do you think? Do you agree with the research? Why, or why not?

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Apparently anger is a theme in my life. I wrote about anger earlier this month. In a future newsletter I will share thoughts from a future session on channeling my anger, rather than trying to minimize it.

1. Name changed. Love the idea of a kid named Fred though.