Venting is incredibly important to me, it’s processing, it needs to be out loud so I can hear if I am are being silly or irrational. Venting is therapeutic.
I agree. As I evaluated my venting of the past, I did realize that just venting isn’t enough. It may not be something I do right away but taking the next step after venting is crucial, whether it’s those breathing exercises or having a constructive conversation.
Thank you for saying that. I personally had a very tough week, which has affected how I view myself as a mother. I try my best and each day is a new day. that’s all I can do.
Sweet boy! I lol'd and aww'd and lol'd again. You're a great mom, Steph. If only all children could feel seen and heard through their big feelings/emotions. Also, I hate to say I agree with the studies! To an extent. I'd say it's largely dependent on the topic for me. In matters of workplace stress, it's almost always toxic and makes me feel worse. If it's a relationship issue or existential crisis, talking to my best friend always makes me feel better. That's my n-1 conclusion. ;)
Hiiiiiii!!! I love your comment and I love your conclusion. I know your conclusion makes perfect sense and my stubborn self is going to still call my sisters and bitch haha. Your example of venting at the workplace is a perfect example of when it does not work and also brings people down, dips morale and then spreads like a virus.
If we stopped at merely venting we would not resolve conflicts — internally or externally. Venting, to me, is only one step in the process of resolving confusing situations we all experience. Venting is part of an initial reaction to internal conflict. By helping children name their feelings (confusion, sadness, maybe even anger), we validate their experience and can move on to the next step. We need to be in a more rational state to do that. So, letting them know that it’s perfectly natural to feel whatever they’re feeling we validate their experience and move on to a calmer state. It’s important to honor where the child is in their personal growth and development to get to the next component of the process, because what we say depends on what they know or don’t. Questioning the existence of magical entities is a crucial sign of growth, and it's important to honor it as much as any other major milestone.
Yes! I was so quick to be annoyed by the studies and realized it’s only one step of the process, like you said.
I enjoy what you said here. Validating their experiences is so crucial and also moving on to the next step.
We take our kids to a Waldorf school so mystical entities is very much celebrated in our home for as long as we can keep them believing. But the Easter bunny just didn’t make the cut! For some reason every year around Easter I am unwell either physically or mentally and we just don’t celebrate Easter as a big event in my home.
Anyway, I’m grateful for your perspective. Thanks!
#2 : on an episode of South Side just last night ‘Don’t tell me to relax. Telling someone to relax is NOT relaxing.’
#3 : if constructive conversation wasn’t so entirely redirectional and deeply helpful, I’d be out of a job (I’m a personal development coach)
Ranting is sooo seductive, and often feels soooo good. And also, it doesn’t go to the root of the thing. We can rant in ways that don’t damage, and then process verbally in ways that help change our relationship to the source of the rant. YES! 🙌🏻
PS // I completely had ‘ranting’ on my mind this morning, when in fact you’re writing about (and we’re all chatting about) ‘venting’. The distinction is subtle but important, right?
I didn’t know about the show south side until you commented! Looks funny, should I watch it?
Ranting vs venting! Yes it’s subtle but they may be the same in my mind. I totally ranted and vented all week to my sister! I honestly don’t know if anything got solved nor what I ranted about but I’m not feeling like I’ve got a weight on my chest about anything right now so it must have worked on some level, right?!
I have constructive conversations with my coach too. We need people like you! Keep up the good work!
Stephanie, omgosh. South Side is so good and so hilarious. I’ve got a growing crush on Diallo Riddle and his writing/directing on it is 🔥.
Sister rants/vents are the best!! Same! With the right peeps in particular, just being heard and validated without any problem-solving element… it’s just so clearing, right? Like how it might feel to just sweep a table full of dirty dishes straight into the trash. (I think I just made up my own meditation prompt 😆😆)
And so awesome you work with a coach! It’s a really incredible modality, and one I’m deeply honored to support and grow. Right backatcha on the good works!✨🧡
I think venting to someone you trust is important versus bottling everything up. I have too much experience of doing the latter and it is not healthy. I suppose the danger could be if venting about the same thing caused someone to ruminate, rather than take constructive action. I’ve done that in the past too.
It’s great that your son was able to let you know his concerns. My daughter does this – it’s usually not the thing you originally think it is. I am lucky that she will tell me when she is ready too. Long may it continue!
Hi Jenny! I am in the same boat of bottling up and it never serves me well. I need to let it out and perhaps my research will allow me to think about how I release it next time.
Im glad our kids tell us what they think. I grew up never telling my parents anything because I feared what they would say or that what I was thinking was unwelcome. I think that’s why I’m so aware of making sure my kids can say what they feel around me. Yes, let’s hope it sticks around for awhile!
Great post, Stephanie! I love that your kid had been keeping a mental list of irks and had them at the ready when you asked. He seems like a very evolved person. :) I also don't like overly crowded parties! I do all my venting in my morning pages and it does seem to help clear my brain and lift my mood for the rest of the day.
Hilary! I agree with you, he says some really cute and deep things for a 6 year old. You brought up a good one - MORNING PAGES! It is such a good piece of therapy. By page 2-3 is where the good stuff comes out if you allow yourself to get there. Let the page absorb the bad juju and none of your friends and family have to hold the negativity from you.
I love to vent! In fact I have a whole section for it in my first Substack haha. Despite what all
thst research says I know it is therapeutic for me to talk to someone about the struggles I face in life and it's even better when you find solidarity and validation in return.
We are in the same mindset. Although after thinking about it more, I also do think it depends on the situation for me. I need to choose the right person to vent to, I need to choose the right time to do it, and I need to have an honest look at what I'm trying to get out of the venting session.
Awww - how wonderful that you gave your boy the space to vent and let out all those big emotions. I especially think it’s important to model how that is done for males - to let them know all humans need to move through the big feelings (and feel safe doing it WITH someone). You’re such an awesome mom.
My 10 year old daughter UNLEASHES when she gets in my car after school pick up. She literally word vomits all the drama/big thoughts/feelings she has about all the going ons in her 4th grade world. I liken it to a mind dump during morning pages 😅. And she isn’t looking for feedback/comments (she actually gets a bit annoyed if I interject). I think she just wants me to be a soundboard and she rages for a few. Probably not the sort of thing the trained professionals doing those studies would promote but I just let her GO. 🤷♀️
Dona, I really hope he continues to share his feelings. Same with my daughter. I grew up not being able to share my feelings with my parents and I wanted to be able to create a safe space for my kids to do that.
Venting is to let off steam, which in the heat of the moment can stem worse responses to the heat of the issue.
If I speak about the same issues over and over, then I am drawing up that anger repeatedly, not moving forward.
I find journaling the sticky issues to be helpful. The act of putting pen to paper somehow help drain the emotion and often the root cause will flow out seemingly on its own.
I loved that you listened to your little guy. You are a good mother. 💞
Hi Patricia, it's good to hear from you. This is why I write, too. I love my morning pages for this exact reason. I can get all that icky stuff out on paper, stream of conscious, and no one has to bear the weight of my issues.
Oh I love this one, Stephanie! Your son's Virgo responses are so sweet, and he's lucky to have you as a mom. This is something I'm super passionate about from an astrology perspective. I'd be curious to know your moon sign (and your son's) because that can point to clues on how we process emotions. I believe there's no "one size fits all" approach to the topic—while venting may work for some, it won't be good for others, which is where astrology comes in as a tool to go deeper!
I actually just had my astrology read to me! It's so fascinating. My sun is in Taurus and my moon is in Pisces. My son's moon is Pisces too (I just used one of those calculators online :))
It was interesting to see people's comments in this thread. I wasn't surprised that there's varying opinions on this topic. I agree with you that it's not a one size fits all approach.
I'd love for you to tell me what this means that my son and I are both moons in Pisces. My daughter's sun is Cancer and her moon is Cancer too!
Ohhh so much water in your house ❤️❤️ all the feels. I bet your Taurus sun really makes them feel grounded and safe. It makes sense about the not loving many people around though. Pisces moons tend to process emotions in solitude, through art or spiritual pursuits—music is big for some too, so he may regulate through playing or listening to music—that may be why he gravitated to the piano. Your son and you are probably emotional sponges that suck up everyone's feelings, which is why it could feel overwhelming to be in big crowds of people and all their energy. A big focus is to recognise what's yours and what's not and having a ritual to clear out and protect yourselves from the gunk. It may a meditation of sorts, art, music, or a connection to some sort of spiritual practice (not necessarily religion, but maybe just a little ritual that connects you to spirit or nature).
The moon also represents how we view our mother. So he probably sees you with a Pisces essence, while your daughter sees you more as a Cancer. They're both water signs, so I imagine you to be very in tune with your own emotional body and are teaching them healthy ways to keep their emotional bodies healthy. I'd bet they are teaching you about your own emotions, too.
You may have seen your mother as a Pisces as well. That can be a fun (or confronting) exercise 🤭
Venting is incredibly important to me, it’s processing, it needs to be out loud so I can hear if I am are being silly or irrational. Venting is therapeutic.
I agree. As I evaluated my venting of the past, I did realize that just venting isn’t enough. It may not be something I do right away but taking the next step after venting is crucial, whether it’s those breathing exercises or having a constructive conversation.
Not the point of your post…your kid is fortunate to have you as his mom.
Thank you for saying that. I personally had a very tough week, which has affected how I view myself as a mother. I try my best and each day is a new day. that’s all I can do.
Parenting is such a long game…there’s so little immediate gratification.
Sweet boy! I lol'd and aww'd and lol'd again. You're a great mom, Steph. If only all children could feel seen and heard through their big feelings/emotions. Also, I hate to say I agree with the studies! To an extent. I'd say it's largely dependent on the topic for me. In matters of workplace stress, it's almost always toxic and makes me feel worse. If it's a relationship issue or existential crisis, talking to my best friend always makes me feel better. That's my n-1 conclusion. ;)
Hiiiiiii!!! I love your comment and I love your conclusion. I know your conclusion makes perfect sense and my stubborn self is going to still call my sisters and bitch haha. Your example of venting at the workplace is a perfect example of when it does not work and also brings people down, dips morale and then spreads like a virus.
If we stopped at merely venting we would not resolve conflicts — internally or externally. Venting, to me, is only one step in the process of resolving confusing situations we all experience. Venting is part of an initial reaction to internal conflict. By helping children name their feelings (confusion, sadness, maybe even anger), we validate their experience and can move on to the next step. We need to be in a more rational state to do that. So, letting them know that it’s perfectly natural to feel whatever they’re feeling we validate their experience and move on to a calmer state. It’s important to honor where the child is in their personal growth and development to get to the next component of the process, because what we say depends on what they know or don’t. Questioning the existence of magical entities is a crucial sign of growth, and it's important to honor it as much as any other major milestone.
Yes! I was so quick to be annoyed by the studies and realized it’s only one step of the process, like you said.
I enjoy what you said here. Validating their experiences is so crucial and also moving on to the next step.
We take our kids to a Waldorf school so mystical entities is very much celebrated in our home for as long as we can keep them believing. But the Easter bunny just didn’t make the cut! For some reason every year around Easter I am unwell either physically or mentally and we just don’t celebrate Easter as a big event in my home.
Anyway, I’m grateful for your perspective. Thanks!
#1 : I love this post!
#2 : on an episode of South Side just last night ‘Don’t tell me to relax. Telling someone to relax is NOT relaxing.’
#3 : if constructive conversation wasn’t so entirely redirectional and deeply helpful, I’d be out of a job (I’m a personal development coach)
Ranting is sooo seductive, and often feels soooo good. And also, it doesn’t go to the root of the thing. We can rant in ways that don’t damage, and then process verbally in ways that help change our relationship to the source of the rant. YES! 🙌🏻
PS // I completely had ‘ranting’ on my mind this morning, when in fact you’re writing about (and we’re all chatting about) ‘venting’. The distinction is subtle but important, right?
Thanks again for a great piece!
I didn’t know about the show south side until you commented! Looks funny, should I watch it?
Ranting vs venting! Yes it’s subtle but they may be the same in my mind. I totally ranted and vented all week to my sister! I honestly don’t know if anything got solved nor what I ranted about but I’m not feeling like I’ve got a weight on my chest about anything right now so it must have worked on some level, right?!
I have constructive conversations with my coach too. We need people like you! Keep up the good work!
Stephanie, omgosh. South Side is so good and so hilarious. I’ve got a growing crush on Diallo Riddle and his writing/directing on it is 🔥.
Sister rants/vents are the best!! Same! With the right peeps in particular, just being heard and validated without any problem-solving element… it’s just so clearing, right? Like how it might feel to just sweep a table full of dirty dishes straight into the trash. (I think I just made up my own meditation prompt 😆😆)
And so awesome you work with a coach! It’s a really incredible modality, and one I’m deeply honored to support and grow. Right backatcha on the good works!✨🧡
I think venting to someone you trust is important versus bottling everything up. I have too much experience of doing the latter and it is not healthy. I suppose the danger could be if venting about the same thing caused someone to ruminate, rather than take constructive action. I’ve done that in the past too.
It’s great that your son was able to let you know his concerns. My daughter does this – it’s usually not the thing you originally think it is. I am lucky that she will tell me when she is ready too. Long may it continue!
Hi Jenny! I am in the same boat of bottling up and it never serves me well. I need to let it out and perhaps my research will allow me to think about how I release it next time.
Im glad our kids tell us what they think. I grew up never telling my parents anything because I feared what they would say or that what I was thinking was unwelcome. I think that’s why I’m so aware of making sure my kids can say what they feel around me. Yes, let’s hope it sticks around for awhile!
Great post, Stephanie! I love that your kid had been keeping a mental list of irks and had them at the ready when you asked. He seems like a very evolved person. :) I also don't like overly crowded parties! I do all my venting in my morning pages and it does seem to help clear my brain and lift my mood for the rest of the day.
Hilary! I agree with you, he says some really cute and deep things for a 6 year old. You brought up a good one - MORNING PAGES! It is such a good piece of therapy. By page 2-3 is where the good stuff comes out if you allow yourself to get there. Let the page absorb the bad juju and none of your friends and family have to hold the negativity from you.
Agreed- my therapist and I did a lot of problem solving in sessions. Helps prevent the rumination on my part 🥴!
Yes. There's a reason why talk therapy is so important. It works (for many) and it's an example I think of for constructive venting.
I love to vent! In fact I have a whole section for it in my first Substack haha. Despite what all
thst research says I know it is therapeutic for me to talk to someone about the struggles I face in life and it's even better when you find solidarity and validation in return.
We are in the same mindset. Although after thinking about it more, I also do think it depends on the situation for me. I need to choose the right person to vent to, I need to choose the right time to do it, and I need to have an honest look at what I'm trying to get out of the venting session.
Very good point
Awww - how wonderful that you gave your boy the space to vent and let out all those big emotions. I especially think it’s important to model how that is done for males - to let them know all humans need to move through the big feelings (and feel safe doing it WITH someone). You’re such an awesome mom.
My 10 year old daughter UNLEASHES when she gets in my car after school pick up. She literally word vomits all the drama/big thoughts/feelings she has about all the going ons in her 4th grade world. I liken it to a mind dump during morning pages 😅. And she isn’t looking for feedback/comments (she actually gets a bit annoyed if I interject). I think she just wants me to be a soundboard and she rages for a few. Probably not the sort of thing the trained professionals doing those studies would promote but I just let her GO. 🤷♀️
What a meaningful and charming interaction between you and your son. May he always be able to share his feelings.
Dona, I really hope he continues to share his feelings. Same with my daughter. I grew up not being able to share my feelings with my parents and I wanted to be able to create a safe space for my kids to do that.
Yes and YOU can be the one to break the cycle! Bravo to you!
Venting is to let off steam, which in the heat of the moment can stem worse responses to the heat of the issue.
If I speak about the same issues over and over, then I am drawing up that anger repeatedly, not moving forward.
I find journaling the sticky issues to be helpful. The act of putting pen to paper somehow help drain the emotion and often the root cause will flow out seemingly on its own.
I loved that you listened to your little guy. You are a good mother. 💞
Hi Patricia, it's good to hear from you. This is why I write, too. I love my morning pages for this exact reason. I can get all that icky stuff out on paper, stream of conscious, and no one has to bear the weight of my issues.
Oh I love this one, Stephanie! Your son's Virgo responses are so sweet, and he's lucky to have you as a mom. This is something I'm super passionate about from an astrology perspective. I'd be curious to know your moon sign (and your son's) because that can point to clues on how we process emotions. I believe there's no "one size fits all" approach to the topic—while venting may work for some, it won't be good for others, which is where astrology comes in as a tool to go deeper!
I actually just had my astrology read to me! It's so fascinating. My sun is in Taurus and my moon is in Pisces. My son's moon is Pisces too (I just used one of those calculators online :))
It was interesting to see people's comments in this thread. I wasn't surprised that there's varying opinions on this topic. I agree with you that it's not a one size fits all approach.
I'd love for you to tell me what this means that my son and I are both moons in Pisces. My daughter's sun is Cancer and her moon is Cancer too!
Ohhh so much water in your house ❤️❤️ all the feels. I bet your Taurus sun really makes them feel grounded and safe. It makes sense about the not loving many people around though. Pisces moons tend to process emotions in solitude, through art or spiritual pursuits—music is big for some too, so he may regulate through playing or listening to music—that may be why he gravitated to the piano. Your son and you are probably emotional sponges that suck up everyone's feelings, which is why it could feel overwhelming to be in big crowds of people and all their energy. A big focus is to recognise what's yours and what's not and having a ritual to clear out and protect yourselves from the gunk. It may a meditation of sorts, art, music, or a connection to some sort of spiritual practice (not necessarily religion, but maybe just a little ritual that connects you to spirit or nature).
The moon also represents how we view our mother. So he probably sees you with a Pisces essence, while your daughter sees you more as a Cancer. They're both water signs, so I imagine you to be very in tune with your own emotional body and are teaching them healthy ways to keep their emotional bodies healthy. I'd bet they are teaching you about your own emotions, too.
You may have seen your mother as a Pisces as well. That can be a fun (or confronting) exercise 🤭