Thank u, big pharma, doctors and scientists for my drugs :)

when going "natural" isn't enough

Today’s essay is brought to you by a white circular pill with an indented line in the middle.

It’s 100mg of sanity.

It’s a tiny tablet that morphed into a crane, pulled a 500 pound boulder crushing my chest for the last 9 months, then swung it up and away from me.

It’s a mass-produced medication, one of big pharma’s profit babies¹. It’s a bandaid and not a cure.

Call it what you want but, with this candy-sized tab, my life is no longer in the middle of a hijack.

I’ve been on SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or anti-depressants) since postpartum depression 10 years ago. They worked, until they didn’t. And the cycle would continue. It meant another talk with my psychiatrist for 15 minutes and I’d reluctantly try the next brand name drug.

Nine months ago I slowly weaned off of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds to see if I can handle it on my own.

I was curious and hopeful. I was also desperate to feel better. I thought maybe it was the drugs weighing me down because I was doing everything right and I still felt awful.

So I went out like a lone ranger, determined to capture and lock away my depression for good.

My life was a giant mocktail of natural methods, a sobering attempt this year to do everything “right” without western meds. You name it, I tried it:

yoga, meditation, walks, exercise, quit sugar, quit social media, quit alcohol, gratitude journals, writing therapy, talk therapy, coaching, detach from my phone, naps, eat “healthy”, attend healing retreats, drink the recommended water intake, vitamins, cord-cutting therapy, craniosacral therapy, tapping therapy and energy psychology, timeline therapy, hypnosis, talks with friends and family, solitude, and prayer.

I’m sure I’m missing a few more.

I come from crunchy privileged circles as I try to choose organic, avoid plastics, buy clothes from natural fibers, and opt for holistic medicines. My granola tendencies also gave me this notion that my lifestyle, willpower and mindset alone can improve my outlook on myself, my marriage, my kids, and my will to live. I wanted so badly to think these pills prescribed from a psychiatrist were not needed.

I was fearful of being emotionally blunted by medication. I believed that I need to do this on my own, that if I just work on myself more then I don’t need this crutch.

People say you’re supposed to feel sad, this is life. Folks who say such things don’t get it and may never will and that’s ok.

It sucks. It sucks so bad that saying it sucks doesn’t describe it at all. Whatever happened in my head and heart robbed me of my life. It was a never ending loop of tendencies to think, feel and act on impending doom 10 times a day every day. That, or just long bouts of numbness. I was so low for so long I wasn’t even asking for happiness.

I wanted some place of contentment, where I could feel safe in my thoughts and feelings.

Being sad wasn’t what I was afraid of. I just wanted to feel a normal level of sad. Trust me, I yearned for a regular dose of sadness.

After meeting with a new psychiatrist a couple months ago, I received a new diagnosis and he recommended a different type of medication.

My doc sent the prescription to CVS and I waited two weeks to pick it up. I waited because I didn’t want to make a decision out of desperation.

One might say that taking this medication is cheating, it’s opting for the easy way out. One might also say this is a tactic to avoid the root cause. I’ve heard people say it’s an excuse from doing the real work on yourself. I did all I could fathom and afford — it wasn’t enough.

For the first time in a long time, I can process thoughts in a more coherent way. My strong emotions no longer confiscate my life.

I’m happy to report I feel a normal level of sadness.

I’ve been relishing in a sense of normalcy since the medicine has started to kick in. Who knows what the future holds but I’m embracing this feeling for what it is now.

If you’ve been like me, drowning on a daily basis, I hope you find help from this terrible situation, whether it’s from natural holistic methods, or from a medication prescribed from a doctor. Or both. We can have both! Two things can be true at the same time. East meets west. Or go find something from the north and south, too. Who cares, find something, if you have the means.

Thank you to all the holistic practitioners I’ve worked with. And thank you to the doctors and scientists who made my new wonderful drugs possible.

It feels good to feel normal.

I’m off to go and be with my normal amount of happy and sad and all the other emotions in this human experience.

1. Obviously me thanking the pharmaceuticals industry is a joke.