The aftermath of quitting my podcast

Facing the reality of my decision

One year ago, my business partner and I released our first Real Mother Fuckers podcast episode. On Monday, we posted our 54th episode — and one of my last. If you were looking for a scandalous story, it ain’t here. My co-host and I are currently going through a peaceful business divorce.¹

Although I couldn’t admit it then, the journey to quit began at the beginning. While at Vanessa’s birthday lunch last year, she podcast proposed to me. We were a good fit. We had fun together, we are funny together, and we both have killer work ethic.

But my gut told me no.

Yet, I ignored what was happening inside and said what any high-functioning woman going through an identity crisis would do. I said, let’s gooooo.

Prior to this lunch, I had just quit my 3-year stint as a consultant, wrapping up a 15-year tech PR career. When I closed up shop, I told myself to take a moment to breathe and chill out. I had drowned in burnout multiple times. I had the privilege of time, space and the opportunity to exhale.

But some bitches can’t see a good thing even when it’s glaring at them in the face.

Clearly, I wasn’t ready to breathe just yet.

So I hiccuped into the next venture. I wasn’t confident with my jobs that make no money — as a mom or a writer. I felt I was failing at growing my newsletter. I ignored writing my book because it’s a long-game pursuit and I wanted to see results quickly, like I had accomplished in my former career. I was so used to the corporate world ways to measure success, with promotions, raises, metrics, dashboards, downloads, KPIs, blah blah numbers $$ yada yada.

Publishing a weekly podcast was the bandaid I needed for feeling worthy.

With this new title, I went back to the skills from my PR days even though I quit the PR life because I hate doing PR things. Temporarily, I felt important again. I had numbers to watch, content to produce, a brand to promote. But, in the end, I was too mentally and physically exhausted with it.

My heart wasn’t in it.

Though the pod wasn’t right for me, I wouldn’t take my year at the mic back. It deepened my friendship with Vanessa. I learned from our guests way more than I could have ever dreamed. I have a deeper respect for all the podcasters out there because it’s a crazy amount of work with no money in return, for a long time.

I stayed as long as I did because I didn’t want to lose a friendship. Every task felt like a chore and I continued to do it because I made a commitment to my friend but in the process of doing this, I wasn’t honoring myself.

Quitting the podcast was the right decision. But the point of this newsletter isn’t to tell you WHY I quit the podcast.

Quitting didn’t solve my biggest problem right now, which was the same problem I chose to avoid a year ago.

I grapple with my identity. My mind is a mental circus. I’m a 41-year-old woman confused with how I feel about myself and my self worth.

Is this imposter syndrome?

Am I really a cliché? Am I experiencing a midlife identity crisis?!

I’m trying to gain my mental health back. I’m not convinced I know what that really means though. Did I ever have a healthy mental state? What does a healthy mind feel like? I just want to not feel like shit all the time.

Quitting closed one door. And it opened another one, where I’m exposed to my bare self, no longer hiding behind another title that sounds good on paper but isn’t right for me.

Has anyone seen my self love and self worth anywhere? I can’t seem to find it wherever I look.

I know I am worthy. But what do I do when I don’t actually feel it?

I have a lot of unlearning to do.

My parents taught my sisters and I to be independent and thank god for that mindset. Never rely on a man, my mom always said. But I chose to quit my job and took on a creative pursuit that makes no money. I no longer financially contribute to my family and I wish I can tell you I’m OK with it but my mom’s advice is still deeply engrained in me.

I have a type A personality. How do I redefine my own version of success, no longer tied to metrics easily seen on a growth chart?

How do I shed our society’s work hard mentality? I know it’s not a competition but sometimes it’s damn difficult to not compare myself to my husband’s financial and entrepreneurial successes.²

Why can’t I be content with my main ambition? When I peel back all the layers, all I really want is to just feel better, to focus on my overall well being.

Quitting left me open and vulnerable. Here I am, still faced with the reality of myself.

Can I ever be content with who I am without all the titles?

I have no pretty bow to wrap around this story.

All I have to say is… I’m working on it.

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When did you fuck up recently and what did you learn from it?

This is one of three questions we ask each of our guests. What’s yours?

Allison Deraney

answered this question in her essay, Trusting the Mother in Me.

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THANK YOU to these Substack writers who have been guests on my pod and trusted me with their stories.

Julia L Wilkinson

talked about her son, Kyle’s suicide, to bring more awareness to one of the leading cause of death for young people worldwide.

Shana Minei Spence

taught us about food neutrality and made us rethink our relationship with food. No food shaming needed.

Lindsay Byron

is preacher with a beautiful purpose. She gets real about her life as a former stripper with a PhD.

Coming soon to the pod:

Ali Griffin Vingiano

helps us unlock our creativity and shares what it’s like to be a Hollywood writer, director, producer. The super funny

Shelly Mazzanoble

tells us how the age-old game can make us better parents (spoiler alert: it’s not just for dorks anymore!?).

1. No worries if you don’t want to listen BUT you should! Support my friend, Vanessa! Subscribe to Real Mother Fuckers on any podcast platform.

2. Thank you to my badass husband whose hard work has me L-I-V-I-N’ in the lap of luxuryyyyyyy.