I have so much to say. It’s almost 1:30a here so I’m coming back to it tomorrow, but I’ll leave for now with this: I don’t think what we’re experiencing is a midlife crisis and it’s not cliché. We refuse to learn the lesson in western society and we’re taught to ridicule the awakening in others so we suppress the awakening in ourselves when it’s our time. It’s capitalism. What a disease.
Who would we be without external dictation?
I’ll be back with more bc the quotables are quotable 💯💯💯
I really love what you wrote here. You are right, it’s a disease that we don’t allow ourselves to have this awakening. I read your comment not long after you wrote it and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Thank you for validating how I’m feeling. I have a lot to think about and learn who I am and this next part in my path.
Sorry I didn't come back. I keep losing my thoughts lately (not fun). Perimenopause is trying to have its way with me. Not to use therapy speak, but we have to allow ourselves to FEEL. Capitalism rejects feeling. We need to re-indigenize (sp?) ourselves.
I was part of a podcast about living with invisible disabilities where we either talked about how we coped or spoke with others who had invisible disabilities. It just didn’t work out between the other hosts and myself, partly because I was a bit more conservative and (to them) not “woke” views. I then started my own show but realized that I wasn’t going anywhere with THAT either. Writing’s my thing, and I no longer care that my Substack has extremely slow growth. I’m not a hustler and I will write what I want (I’ve been asked to edit or take down posts from other blogs I’ve had over the years…I’ve always asked for a detailed explanation). I don’t feel I get too cruel. I just think and often look at things from various points of view.
I'm proud of you for doing what's best for you now. It's a lifelong process isn't it? Learning and then unlearning everything we thought was true. What a journey!!!
Hi Kaitlyn! All the unlearning is exhausting though! Haha! It is a journey and sometimes I wish I can just take a few tools and literally re-wire my brain and call it a day.
Resting is one of the hardest things to do! Trust that you’ll find unexpected answers in the space. Learning to listen to your intuition is a lifelong process in my experience. Lots of unlearning as you say. But also, women have to remove the patriarchal construct from their journey. There is nothing to achieve, no final destination, no real way to know when you’ve “made” it on this journey. There just is what is and how you feel about it and it’s constantly shifting. The journey is the destination, so there’s no real use in looking out in front of you for the signposts. They’ll appear when they appear and you’ll know when you’ll know and you’ll get lost and then you’ll find yourself again. That’s not how society lays out the “plan” or defines success or values but it’s the reality. Congrats for following your gut and best wishes on this journey! You have lots of support always 🙂
Beautiful comment, thank you for saying all this. So many gems and truths: the journey not the destination, unlearning the patriarchal construct, resting, defining success. So much to redefine for myself. And for a lot of us, apparently, from the comments.
Stephanie, I can see how many relate here. If I can add my voice to the choir, I have faith that if you continue to let yourself be honest like this and give yourself space, the truth will come. Whatever that means. 🖤
Thank you, Kaitlyn. The hard part may be giving myself space! The stillness! The pause that I very much need. That’s that difficult journey, it’s in the rest and not adding more noise when I just need quiet for a bit.
Hi Stephanie! It takes guts to walk away from something because it’s not right for you. Well done for doing it!
I remember realising in the middle of seven hours of formal translation exams that I did not want to be a translator. At the time, I felt like a failure after all the hard work I had put into the diploma course whilst working full-time. But I am glad that I gave it a go and realised it was not for me.
I grapple with my identity and self-worth all the time. I have to keep reminding myself that what I do as a mum and a writer is important, despite there being no monetary value. It’s a constant battle!
It’s like a dramatic scene out of a movie! Realizing you don’t want to do this thing you worked so hard for during the final exam!
Looks like we might need to nudge each other on the reminders that mom and writer are enough! I just saw someone yesterday and she asked me if I’m still working at my old job and I said no and I downplayed my writing. She corrected me and said that’s a real job too!!! It was nice to be affirmed by a mom clearly seeing what I was doing to myself
You might be putting down the mic but you are turning up the volume of YOU. The one inside that gets filtered by the world we spin in. I can’t wait to witness what is next for you. Keep sharing your truths. I love your writing so much.
I think as women, we find it so hard to hear our inner calling(s) because we get shoveled so much outside noise. And we care so much. So we carry so much.
I admire your willingness to admit that you did not listen to your gut punch a year ago. I have found that my 40s (I’m 46) has been all about unlearning the lessons I thought would land me somewhere. Somewhere I was “supposed” to be or somewhere I was “meant” to be. But the thing is, I don’t think there is any rule book. Yet society continues to keep score.
One book that I return to over and over is Falling Upward by Richard Rohr. In it he explores the two halves of life – and how the first half is really just about building identity, the second is about spiritual awakening. For me, waking up has been a slow process. One I’m (mostly) giving myself permission to bathe in. I don’t think there is a litmus test for a healthy mind or a universal map with a huge star marking where we all “should” land. It’s all about the journey, right? Not the destination.
Thanks for sharing so much of you here Stephanie. This one really moved me. 🫶
omg i love thisssss: "You might be putting down the mic but you are turning up the volume of YOU"
you are absolutely right. i care so much and carry so much -- TOO MUCH. my friend pointed out something else i was doing in obligation to someone else even though i didn't want to do it!!! so I backed out and it felt really good.
I just bought Falling Upward. Thank you for the recommendation. Waking up is very hard for me right now. To be honest, most mornings lately I don't want to wake up. I also feel like my family gets the worst of me which makes me spiral even more. Anyway, I'm say so much in this comment back to you and you obviously pulled something out of me that was deep and I'm grateful you shared this comment and your thoughts. I really appreciate you. We need to meet each other IRL some day.
Here's to the year of backing out! Backing out of all the shit that doesn't light us up. Shake loose of those obligations, girl.
And I so hope we get the chance to meet someday! IRL Stephanie would be so much fun! I'm so glad our Substack algorithms found each other ;-)
Let me know what you think of Falling Upward. Honestly, Richard Rohr has saved me time and again. That man is a pure gift to humanity. His whole point in the book is that oftentimes we HAVE to fall down in order to rise up to our true Self. Just know that those days where you feel spent or spun, it's all part of it and you're not doing anything out of order. At least, that's the shit I tell myself! HA!
I hear you- I quit my podcast right around when my dad was really sick and dying - the podcast was a ton of work that I could not keep up with… I loved it but it was too much work. If I ever went back to it, I would just put up raw audio, but even then it’s work. As moms, we are super busy and we really have to prioritize how we spend and like you, my mental health is at the top. ❤️ I hear u about the loss of identity -I was planning to write about my midlife crisis at some point ... all this to say, hang in there! We are in a season of life. Enjoy as much as you can - self preservation is huge ❤️
Alice, I wonder how hard (or easier?) that was for you to quit with your dad's circumstances. It's funny you talk about what you would do again differently with the podcast because I've thought of that, too. It's still all a lot of work! I have so many creative ideas and it's such an exercise to not move on them.
Please write about your experience with your midlife journey. I'd love to read it. Are you on the other side? Are you still in it?
I am blown away and awe inspired by your honesty with yourself and making the hard choices. It can only lead to good places! I think so many of us, especially women, are so go-go-go all the time being "productive" and caring for others that we don't know ourselves very well and don't get in touch with our feelings unless it's to feel shame and guilt. I know that's the case for me. I think the fact that you are on this journey is incredibly brave and important, and I feel honored that you are choosing to share it with all of us. <3
MARIE!!! I am so grateful for all your support all the time. I love hearing from you. You know this go-go-go mentality all too well. I've seen us do it working alongside each other! We need to be accountability partners! Hold each other accountable to slow-pause-slow instead? ha!
Thank you, Susan! These are very true words. I am slowly shedding what no longer serves me. Part of the process is actually figuring out what I truly no longer need or want in my life. And feeling confident with shedding them.
A. I am super excited to be your guest on the pod! B. You are one of my favorite writers but not sure that counts as an identify. C. You have an amazing sense of self and I'm so impressed with your quest to rediscover who you are. Some people never get to the first step. I'm excited for you!
A. Me too! I can’t wait to talk to you! B. Thank you, I’ll take that as part of my identity! C. I think my sense of self is strong that I don’t know what to do with it sometimes! Vanessa said my gift is really deeply feeling things, that I’m emotional and that’s a good thing. Must remind myself!
Thank you for sharing! I was there a decade ago. I feel you. Just look inside, be gentle, face the reality with grace and enjoy your health. Maybe your calling is so high to reach that's why your path is overwhelming. Keep moving 🌹🙌🏻💚
Lorena! These are very wise words, thank you for your wisdom from experience! Wow, the idea that my calling is so high made me pause! What a beautiful way to look at my potential.
“Releasing the guilt and shame of being an able-bodied person who is not bringing in a steady income”
“Accepting that I am in the middle of the story and it’s ok if I don’t know the ending yet”
“Replacing the feeling of lack (of not doing enough, earning enough, being enough) with gratitude (noticing and appreciating the little things and big things)“
Mika!!! Are we the same person?! Are you my clone in NZ?!? Haha. I love that you quoted me in your piece! I feel like I need to blow those words up and slap them on my wall. Reminders I need to read often! I’ll go to your piece in a bit and share my comments and love there :)
I relate to your experience of not making money because you want to give space to your creative pursuits so hard! I’m in the same boat, I’m also a mom so I don’t have endless time to tend to my creative babies either. I wish you the best on your creative journey, and I’m curious how it will all pan out and what will you make of it🩷
Hi Mazsi! I’m glad you can relate! Ive been a mom for almost 10 years now and it seems the strong sense of feeling lost in my identity has really hit me in the face in the last year… why?!?! I’ll keep you all posted on the rollercoaster journey :)
I have so much to say. It’s almost 1:30a here so I’m coming back to it tomorrow, but I’ll leave for now with this: I don’t think what we’re experiencing is a midlife crisis and it’s not cliché. We refuse to learn the lesson in western society and we’re taught to ridicule the awakening in others so we suppress the awakening in ourselves when it’s our time. It’s capitalism. What a disease.
Who would we be without external dictation?
I’ll be back with more bc the quotables are quotable 💯💯💯
I really love what you wrote here. You are right, it’s a disease that we don’t allow ourselves to have this awakening. I read your comment not long after you wrote it and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Thank you for validating how I’m feeling. I have a lot to think about and learn who I am and this next part in my path.
Sorry I didn't come back. I keep losing my thoughts lately (not fun). Perimenopause is trying to have its way with me. Not to use therapy speak, but we have to allow ourselves to FEEL. Capitalism rejects feeling. We need to re-indigenize (sp?) ourselves.
I was part of a podcast about living with invisible disabilities where we either talked about how we coped or spoke with others who had invisible disabilities. It just didn’t work out between the other hosts and myself, partly because I was a bit more conservative and (to them) not “woke” views. I then started my own show but realized that I wasn’t going anywhere with THAT either. Writing’s my thing, and I no longer care that my Substack has extremely slow growth. I’m not a hustler and I will write what I want (I’ve been asked to edit or take down posts from other blogs I’ve had over the years…I’ve always asked for a detailed explanation). I don’t feel I get too cruel. I just think and often look at things from various points of view.
I'm proud of you for doing what's best for you now. It's a lifelong process isn't it? Learning and then unlearning everything we thought was true. What a journey!!!
Hi Kaitlyn! All the unlearning is exhausting though! Haha! It is a journey and sometimes I wish I can just take a few tools and literally re-wire my brain and call it a day.
It's a full time job in itself! 🫠
So relatable! It's hard to accept yourself once you strip away all the outside accolades, titles, identities, etc. It takes time.
I’m glad it was relatable to you! We are just out here feeling naked together ;)
Resting is one of the hardest things to do! Trust that you’ll find unexpected answers in the space. Learning to listen to your intuition is a lifelong process in my experience. Lots of unlearning as you say. But also, women have to remove the patriarchal construct from their journey. There is nothing to achieve, no final destination, no real way to know when you’ve “made” it on this journey. There just is what is and how you feel about it and it’s constantly shifting. The journey is the destination, so there’s no real use in looking out in front of you for the signposts. They’ll appear when they appear and you’ll know when you’ll know and you’ll get lost and then you’ll find yourself again. That’s not how society lays out the “plan” or defines success or values but it’s the reality. Congrats for following your gut and best wishes on this journey! You have lots of support always 🙂
Beautiful comment, thank you for saying all this. So many gems and truths: the journey not the destination, unlearning the patriarchal construct, resting, defining success. So much to redefine for myself. And for a lot of us, apparently, from the comments.
Stephanie, I can see how many relate here. If I can add my voice to the choir, I have faith that if you continue to let yourself be honest like this and give yourself space, the truth will come. Whatever that means. 🖤
Thank you, Kaitlyn. The hard part may be giving myself space! The stillness! The pause that I very much need. That’s that difficult journey, it’s in the rest and not adding more noise when I just need quiet for a bit.
Hi Stephanie! It takes guts to walk away from something because it’s not right for you. Well done for doing it!
I remember realising in the middle of seven hours of formal translation exams that I did not want to be a translator. At the time, I felt like a failure after all the hard work I had put into the diploma course whilst working full-time. But I am glad that I gave it a go and realised it was not for me.
I grapple with my identity and self-worth all the time. I have to keep reminding myself that what I do as a mum and a writer is important, despite there being no monetary value. It’s a constant battle!
It’s like a dramatic scene out of a movie! Realizing you don’t want to do this thing you worked so hard for during the final exam!
Looks like we might need to nudge each other on the reminders that mom and writer are enough! I just saw someone yesterday and she asked me if I’m still working at my old job and I said no and I downplayed my writing. She corrected me and said that’s a real job too!!! It was nice to be affirmed by a mom clearly seeing what I was doing to myself
You might be putting down the mic but you are turning up the volume of YOU. The one inside that gets filtered by the world we spin in. I can’t wait to witness what is next for you. Keep sharing your truths. I love your writing so much.
I think as women, we find it so hard to hear our inner calling(s) because we get shoveled so much outside noise. And we care so much. So we carry so much.
I admire your willingness to admit that you did not listen to your gut punch a year ago. I have found that my 40s (I’m 46) has been all about unlearning the lessons I thought would land me somewhere. Somewhere I was “supposed” to be or somewhere I was “meant” to be. But the thing is, I don’t think there is any rule book. Yet society continues to keep score.
One book that I return to over and over is Falling Upward by Richard Rohr. In it he explores the two halves of life – and how the first half is really just about building identity, the second is about spiritual awakening. For me, waking up has been a slow process. One I’m (mostly) giving myself permission to bathe in. I don’t think there is a litmus test for a healthy mind or a universal map with a huge star marking where we all “should” land. It’s all about the journey, right? Not the destination.
Thanks for sharing so much of you here Stephanie. This one really moved me. 🫶
omg i love thisssss: "You might be putting down the mic but you are turning up the volume of YOU"
you are absolutely right. i care so much and carry so much -- TOO MUCH. my friend pointed out something else i was doing in obligation to someone else even though i didn't want to do it!!! so I backed out and it felt really good.
I just bought Falling Upward. Thank you for the recommendation. Waking up is very hard for me right now. To be honest, most mornings lately I don't want to wake up. I also feel like my family gets the worst of me which makes me spiral even more. Anyway, I'm say so much in this comment back to you and you obviously pulled something out of me that was deep and I'm grateful you shared this comment and your thoughts. I really appreciate you. We need to meet each other IRL some day.
Here's to the year of backing out! Backing out of all the shit that doesn't light us up. Shake loose of those obligations, girl.
And I so hope we get the chance to meet someday! IRL Stephanie would be so much fun! I'm so glad our Substack algorithms found each other ;-)
Let me know what you think of Falling Upward. Honestly, Richard Rohr has saved me time and again. That man is a pure gift to humanity. His whole point in the book is that oftentimes we HAVE to fall down in order to rise up to our true Self. Just know that those days where you feel spent or spun, it's all part of it and you're not doing anything out of order. At least, that's the shit I tell myself! HA!
xoxoxo
I hear you- I quit my podcast right around when my dad was really sick and dying - the podcast was a ton of work that I could not keep up with… I loved it but it was too much work. If I ever went back to it, I would just put up raw audio, but even then it’s work. As moms, we are super busy and we really have to prioritize how we spend and like you, my mental health is at the top. ❤️ I hear u about the loss of identity -I was planning to write about my midlife crisis at some point ... all this to say, hang in there! We are in a season of life. Enjoy as much as you can - self preservation is huge ❤️
Alice, I wonder how hard (or easier?) that was for you to quit with your dad's circumstances. It's funny you talk about what you would do again differently with the podcast because I've thought of that, too. It's still all a lot of work! I have so many creative ideas and it's such an exercise to not move on them.
Please write about your experience with your midlife journey. I'd love to read it. Are you on the other side? Are you still in it?
I am blown away and awe inspired by your honesty with yourself and making the hard choices. It can only lead to good places! I think so many of us, especially women, are so go-go-go all the time being "productive" and caring for others that we don't know ourselves very well and don't get in touch with our feelings unless it's to feel shame and guilt. I know that's the case for me. I think the fact that you are on this journey is incredibly brave and important, and I feel honored that you are choosing to share it with all of us. <3
MARIE!!! I am so grateful for all your support all the time. I love hearing from you. You know this go-go-go mentality all too well. I've seen us do it working alongside each other! We need to be accountability partners! Hold each other accountable to slow-pause-slow instead? ha!
You will find the you that you seek after you shed what no longer serves you now- just like you did with the pod cast.
To me- you are you already- the you I love! 💜🙏
Thank you, Susan! These are very true words. I am slowly shedding what no longer serves me. Part of the process is actually figuring out what I truly no longer need or want in my life. And feeling confident with shedding them.
Take it one shed at a time- there is no rush. You will know. Trust your inner guidance.
A. I am super excited to be your guest on the pod! B. You are one of my favorite writers but not sure that counts as an identify. C. You have an amazing sense of self and I'm so impressed with your quest to rediscover who you are. Some people never get to the first step. I'm excited for you!
A. Me too! I can’t wait to talk to you! B. Thank you, I’ll take that as part of my identity! C. I think my sense of self is strong that I don’t know what to do with it sometimes! Vanessa said my gift is really deeply feeling things, that I’m emotional and that’s a good thing. Must remind myself!
Thank you for sharing! I was there a decade ago. I feel you. Just look inside, be gentle, face the reality with grace and enjoy your health. Maybe your calling is so high to reach that's why your path is overwhelming. Keep moving 🌹🙌🏻💚
Lorena! These are very wise words, thank you for your wisdom from experience! Wow, the idea that my calling is so high made me pause! What a beautiful way to look at my potential.
💚🤗🌹 anytime dear! We! women are here to support each other ... 4ever!
Snap! We are in the same boat. I wrote about it today: https://musingsbymika.substack.com/p/the-untold-realities-of-leaving-my-job
Sound familiar?! 😅
“Releasing the guilt and shame of being an able-bodied person who is not bringing in a steady income”
“Accepting that I am in the middle of the story and it’s ok if I don’t know the ending yet”
“Replacing the feeling of lack (of not doing enough, earning enough, being enough) with gratitude (noticing and appreciating the little things and big things)“
Mika!!! Are we the same person?! Are you my clone in NZ?!? Haha. I love that you quoted me in your piece! I feel like I need to blow those words up and slap them on my wall. Reminders I need to read often! I’ll go to your piece in a bit and share my comments and love there :)
I relate to your experience of not making money because you want to give space to your creative pursuits so hard! I’m in the same boat, I’m also a mom so I don’t have endless time to tend to my creative babies either. I wish you the best on your creative journey, and I’m curious how it will all pan out and what will you make of it🩷
Hi Mazsi! I’m glad you can relate! Ive been a mom for almost 10 years now and it seems the strong sense of feeling lost in my identity has really hit me in the face in the last year… why?!?! I’ll keep you all posted on the rollercoaster journey :)
You'll figure this out, I just know it but please don't let life pass you by while you are working on you. I care.
Dona, very good life advice. I have a feeling you know a thing or two about it :)