What if we normalize motherhood as a temporary job and not a woman's purpose?

Call your mom and tell her how rad she is... but not for being a great mom

a mom in the wild trying to figure out her identity

This Mother’s Day, don’t tell your mom how amazing she is at being your mom.¹ It’s expected and trite.

Instead, I propose telling her that you see her as more than just a mom.² What are her passions, her creative pursuits, her contributions to the world? Bring those up. I bet you she’ll light up because you acknowledged the whole of her, not just one part of who she is.

Some women may feel their purpose, their identity in this life, is to be a mother. That’s not me.

Being a mother is one of my life’s most important jobs. But is it my sole purpose? No.

I am my kids’ mother until my time here on Earth is done but my job as their hands-on, actively engaged mother is fleeting in the grand scheme of life.

I’m reminded of my elementary-aged kids’ path to autonomy as I watched our nephew leave us earlier this year. He lived with us at 15 and he moved out three years later in September when he moved away to college.

What remains of my motherly role with him are texts every few days or phone calls every couple weeks. We help with his finances, taught him how to set up car insurance, check in on his friendships, and ask for updates on his latest hobby of making electronic music. While my chapter of motherhood doesn’t close completely when my kids become adults, my role certainly decreases.

My kids will follow my nephew’s footsteps and they, too, will leave me someday.

And then what? If my purpose in life is motherhood, what am I left with when they inevitably go off to live on their own, to work and pursue their passions, begin their own families? Who am I then, once they detach from this home I’ve provided them, and begin their own adult journey?

This job as mom is temporary. My life is full of temporary jobs.

I’ve had careers working for someone else. I’ve worked for myself, too. I have a job as a wife and a partner and, if we keep our vows, I will work to keep this relationship thriving until one of us dies.

But there is only one job I will have for a lifetime — the job of being with myself. I get to live with myself forever. My purpose is rooted within me, not tied to a job, or a spouse, or even my kids.

my mom, a wonderful dancer, sister and friend, sticks to her values, doesn’t b.s.

My own lens of motherhood has shifted as I watched my mom over the past two decades.

She continues to blossom even at the age of nearly 80. It wasn’t until she was no longer a wife, no longer a mother, and no longer tied to a career, when she became most herself. It was no secret, my mom reminded us how hard it was to raise 3 girls as an immigrant in this country, who worked long shifts as a chemical engineer, many of them in the graveyard hours. As kids we thought my mom had to work but she didn’t need to, my dad made enough money. She worked because she didn’t want to be a mom all the time. Same, girl. Same.

She pulled long shifts at the lab AND she did her job as mom at home and she did it well (obviouslyyyy, because my sisters and I are pretty awesome). Like me, she sees all these jobs as temporary. She also doesn’t see her purpose in motherhood. As my mom and I mulled over this topic over the phone earlier this week, she said:

“Steph, I hope you won’t be offended. If I were to do it again, I wouldn’t have had kids.”

Wow.

I was surprised by this statement but I was not offended. And I was oddly relieved to hear her say it. It didn’t make me question her love for me and my sisters. It validated how truly hard motherhood is, even when your kids turn out all right.

Not that I want to change my mom’s mind about her view on mothering but it made me think — is there a way we can make it suck a little less for moms?

I know my view is not universal and that’s OK. We put mothers in a box, I even do it, as we learn it from our culture. We expect moms to fully immerse who they are in this role and I challenge you to see moms beyond the title.

Have you heard of a father saying his sole purpose is to be a father? Sounds weird, doesn’t it? So why do some of us pause when a mother proclaims her purpose isn’t to just be a mother?

How many moms feel they’ve lost their identity in motherhood? How many dads feel they’ve lost their identity in fatherhood? I don’t have the numbers to back it up but I’m sure we all know one number is vastly greater than the other.

We have progressed but our society’s view on the role of mother versus father is still warped.

Where we celebrate fathers for performing normal parent duties yet when mom does the exact same thing it’s just expected. Where we see fathers be with their children and call it babysitting (newsflash, you don’t babysit your own children). Where moms have guilt when they do things for themselves, like when they leave their kids for work, or take time away to pursue their art or go on a trip with friends, or even sneak away for a few measly hours at Target. But fathers? They have no problem jetting off wherever they need to go.

my first trip away from baby, felt lost but free here

I’m thinking of the moms that work full time or part time. The stay-at-home moms (for the lack of a better word), the single moms, the moms who have additional help at home, step-moms and bonus moms.

There’s more to the human experience than mothering and we all deserve to be seen as more than just mom. Have I said this enough yet?

What if we stop putting motherhood on a pedestal, pause on glorifying our moms on this one holiday? Let’s take that admiration for these women and see them for everything else they are, every other day of the year, and perhaps our mothers wouldn’t secretly question their decision to do this job.

Maybe mother martyrdom would stop and she could catch a freaking break.

Could we relieve some of the pressure women have to get it right if we aren’t placing their purpose in this one basket? Being a mom will always be hard, even with all the support in the world. But with more of the mindset that mom’s purpose is beyond mom, perhaps we can look back and watch our fully functioning adult children and think, without question, if we were to do it again, we would.

“There is no greater burden on a child than the unlived life of a parent.” - Carl Jung

1. Only if you have a mother you feel safe to call. I know this can be a triggering day for many who have complicated relationships with their mothers.

2. While you’re at it, text, call, or write a card to a few other moms you know. Your sister, your aunt, your friend!