Ah, I feel so aligned with you this week! I was in the same feels when I wrote my piece about the unconventional ways we all can mother. I love hearing about your mom! I was so moved reading, "It wasn’t until she was no longer a wife, no longer a mother, and no longer tied to a career, when she became most herself. " Ooooof, the sorrow AND joy in that statement. How it took so long to land there and how wonderful a homecoming! Here she is, in her full glory now.
Such a beautiful piece, Stephanie. I love being a mom to my two kids and I also know I have so much more in me to give to others. Not just my kids. And I can't stay at home with them - ugh! I would go crazy LOL
Oh, and also, to your point of the expectations placed on moms that get skirted when it comes to dads. I always get annoyed when the school nurse automatically calls the mom first. When there are two numbers/ two parents listed as emergency contacts. Why do they ALWAYS have to call the mom first? Let's start with the dad for a change. Maybe he can be expected to drop his work and get to the school and tend to the sick child. (Can you tell this just happened to me this week?!?!?)
Riiiiiight? Good example. Call dad first, people!! I actually had so many examples of mom vs dad in our society but I had to cut out the nagging so it’ll still be palatable to read. Heheh!
Gosh this is a masterpiece. Two parts jumped out to me "Not that I want to change my mom’s mind about her view on mothering but it made me think — is there a way we can make it suck a little less for moms?"
and
"But with more of the mindset that mom’s purpose is beyond mom, perhaps we can look back and watch our fully functioning adult children and think, without question, if we were to do it again, we would.”
As a woman who wants children and has peers who already have children I am so interntional about the conversations, expectations, and detailing the support we'll (my husband and I) before we dive full on into the parenting pool. We had these same convos before we got married and they were fruitful so as not to simply fall into gender roles. I agree fully, mothering is a role, it can never encompass the totality of ones identity.
Hi Rachel, it’s really great to see you’re being mindful of these roles for when or if you become a parent. It becomes very important to realize these roles with your partner. I’d be curious for you to come back to this after you become a mom and still see if you agree!
I loved this and it helped me feel less alone💚 I actively want to do other things than spending time with my children but my conditioning of always sacrificing yourself when it comes to your children shackles me still
Hi Mazsi, I’m so glad this made you feel less alone. It’s easy to fall into our shackles and it’s ok! Sometimes our children are in the season of needing us more and then sometimes we can let off a bit and focus on us. It’s a tricky one but I think we just need to listen to our own hearts more and really figure out what we want. Often times for me, what I want has nothing to do with my kids and it’s healthy for them to see that. Someone told me, how do you want your daughter to interpret motherhood and be as a mom herself one day? My answer to that helps me do stuff more so for myself! I want to model putting myself first too.
You are so on point! And it gives value to those women who are not moms, it just means they didn’t take that job or didn’t get the job for some reason and it’s totally ok to not want that job, it’s like any other job…definitely more meaningful and purposeful and hard but still an extra temporary job…so women without children can be as accomplished as do it all moms…a friend of mine with 4 grown up kids also said if she had to do it over she wouldn’t have had kids…but I disagreed on that after I heard another point of view that having a child may bring to the world a doctor that will save lives, an engineer who may help humanity or any person who may save another…so let’s celebrate moms! ❤️
I love this comment soooo much. You make a very good point about how this gives value to women across the board, including ones who don’t have the job of mothering.
Loved loved this, I have 2 children and I wanted none (at age 80 I actually had an opportunity to tell them this fact. One was horrified and one was ok.) They'll be fine, life moves on and they know I love them.
Dona!!! I feel like you and my mom would get along really well! I’m glad you were able to speak your truth. And I see you! My mom talked about societal pressure, it’s just what you did. And the lack of support and expectation of moms in your generation were worse!
I'm so grateful that I have help around the house. I feel that I still KIND of have an identity as a writer/creator (which I've really only started to regain - I was a lifestyle blogger for years, but then it kind of dropped off when we were going through our journey in becoming parents (finding a surrogate, looking for donor embryos/eggs, the three failed transfers (technically two, since one was a chemical), etc) and then becoming parents and the first few years of my son's life. Things are also easier now that he's in school.
I don't think my job as a mom will EVER end. It's permanent. I'm still going to be a mom after I drop him off on campus for university and when he permanently moves out. That title will always be part of me, regardless of what happens.
Note: My mom (and dad) is an immigrant as well. She and my dad both worked full time jobs, IT and finance respectively to provide not just for me, but her parents. She was the translator when my grandparents had to see specialists (my grandparents' PC doctor spoke Cantonese, so no need for help there), so really, I suppose I'm more like a 1.25/2.25 (depending on how you calculate - whether the immigrant generation is the "first" generation or whether someone like me, born and raised in Canada, is "first" - the 0.25 comes from the fact that both my parents are bilingual, mostly integrated and came in their early 20s for school)). And good for your mom being a chemical engineer. There STILL aren't a lot of women in that (and other engineering) fields!
You have such a unique journey to motherhood, thank you for sharing that. My mom always said mothering never ends. I do feel like she liked mothering a whole lot more when she didn’t have to see or take care of us everyday, ha! Yes, my mom was a chemical engineer but she didn’t like it, which she figured out while at university. However, because there was so much on the line financially she stuck with it and never loved it but it afforded us so much. I think about that a lot. So many sacrifices were made and I understand my mom’s sentiments when she said she wouldn’t have kids if she were to do it all again.
I’m glad! That’s all I wanted!!! I know not all people or women feel this way and I’m good with that. But for the people who do, this is who I wrote it for!!!
I’m a mom and stepmom, struggling in all the ways. This piece hits me where I live, Stephanie!
Particular to this weekend’s ‘holiday,’ reading this made me realize something about the I importance I’ve given it—me, the mom! It’s become one of the few days I feel seen and attended to by my stepsons, which of course makes me sad just in the writing of the words.
That particular dynamic is slightly apart from your point, but also not. There’s a defining of our own identity as moms (and stepmoms) as well as that which our culture provides for us, and hopefully the twain can meet in ways that serve us appropriately. Gulp… right??
I’m glad this holiday makes you feel seen! Especially for your role as step-mom. I’m grateful for the holiday even though it may make it seem like I’m not, I just want the world to see us as more than just mom on this day. I think there’s a path to view us as both, like you said. Happy Mother’s Day :)
Ah, I feel so aligned with you this week! I was in the same feels when I wrote my piece about the unconventional ways we all can mother. I love hearing about your mom! I was so moved reading, "It wasn’t until she was no longer a wife, no longer a mother, and no longer tied to a career, when she became most herself. " Ooooof, the sorrow AND joy in that statement. How it took so long to land there and how wonderful a homecoming! Here she is, in her full glory now.
Such a beautiful piece, Stephanie. I love being a mom to my two kids and I also know I have so much more in me to give to others. Not just my kids. And I can't stay at home with them - ugh! I would go crazy LOL
Oh, and also, to your point of the expectations placed on moms that get skirted when it comes to dads. I always get annoyed when the school nurse automatically calls the mom first. When there are two numbers/ two parents listed as emergency contacts. Why do they ALWAYS have to call the mom first? Let's start with the dad for a change. Maybe he can be expected to drop his work and get to the school and tend to the sick child. (Can you tell this just happened to me this week?!?!?)
Riiiiiight? Good example. Call dad first, people!! I actually had so many examples of mom vs dad in our society but I had to cut out the nagging so it’ll still be palatable to read. Heheh!
Gosh this is a masterpiece. Two parts jumped out to me "Not that I want to change my mom’s mind about her view on mothering but it made me think — is there a way we can make it suck a little less for moms?"
and
"But with more of the mindset that mom’s purpose is beyond mom, perhaps we can look back and watch our fully functioning adult children and think, without question, if we were to do it again, we would.”
As a woman who wants children and has peers who already have children I am so interntional about the conversations, expectations, and detailing the support we'll (my husband and I) before we dive full on into the parenting pool. We had these same convos before we got married and they were fruitful so as not to simply fall into gender roles. I agree fully, mothering is a role, it can never encompass the totality of ones identity.
Hi Rachel, it’s really great to see you’re being mindful of these roles for when or if you become a parent. It becomes very important to realize these roles with your partner. I’d be curious for you to come back to this after you become a mom and still see if you agree!
It’s already favorited, because I am curious too. I’ve shared with mom friends as well. I want their take.
I loved this and it helped me feel less alone💚 I actively want to do other things than spending time with my children but my conditioning of always sacrificing yourself when it comes to your children shackles me still
Hi Mazsi, I’m so glad this made you feel less alone. It’s easy to fall into our shackles and it’s ok! Sometimes our children are in the season of needing us more and then sometimes we can let off a bit and focus on us. It’s a tricky one but I think we just need to listen to our own hearts more and really figure out what we want. Often times for me, what I want has nothing to do with my kids and it’s healthy for them to see that. Someone told me, how do you want your daughter to interpret motherhood and be as a mom herself one day? My answer to that helps me do stuff more so for myself! I want to model putting myself first too.
I love this💖 great perspective! And yes, there are times when we as moms we are genuinely more needed
Happy mother's day, Stephanie. Enjoyed reading this essay about motherhood very much. 20 years of being a mom and my perspective on it keeps shifting.
You are so on point! And it gives value to those women who are not moms, it just means they didn’t take that job or didn’t get the job for some reason and it’s totally ok to not want that job, it’s like any other job…definitely more meaningful and purposeful and hard but still an extra temporary job…so women without children can be as accomplished as do it all moms…a friend of mine with 4 grown up kids also said if she had to do it over she wouldn’t have had kids…but I disagreed on that after I heard another point of view that having a child may bring to the world a doctor that will save lives, an engineer who may help humanity or any person who may save another…so let’s celebrate moms! ❤️
I love this comment soooo much. You make a very good point about how this gives value to women across the board, including ones who don’t have the job of mothering.
Loved loved this, I have 2 children and I wanted none (at age 80 I actually had an opportunity to tell them this fact. One was horrified and one was ok.) They'll be fine, life moves on and they know I love them.
Dona!!! I feel like you and my mom would get along really well! I’m glad you were able to speak your truth. And I see you! My mom talked about societal pressure, it’s just what you did. And the lack of support and expectation of moms in your generation were worse!
I'm so grateful that I have help around the house. I feel that I still KIND of have an identity as a writer/creator (which I've really only started to regain - I was a lifestyle blogger for years, but then it kind of dropped off when we were going through our journey in becoming parents (finding a surrogate, looking for donor embryos/eggs, the three failed transfers (technically two, since one was a chemical), etc) and then becoming parents and the first few years of my son's life. Things are also easier now that he's in school.
I don't think my job as a mom will EVER end. It's permanent. I'm still going to be a mom after I drop him off on campus for university and when he permanently moves out. That title will always be part of me, regardless of what happens.
Note: My mom (and dad) is an immigrant as well. She and my dad both worked full time jobs, IT and finance respectively to provide not just for me, but her parents. She was the translator when my grandparents had to see specialists (my grandparents' PC doctor spoke Cantonese, so no need for help there), so really, I suppose I'm more like a 1.25/2.25 (depending on how you calculate - whether the immigrant generation is the "first" generation or whether someone like me, born and raised in Canada, is "first" - the 0.25 comes from the fact that both my parents are bilingual, mostly integrated and came in their early 20s for school)). And good for your mom being a chemical engineer. There STILL aren't a lot of women in that (and other engineering) fields!
You have such a unique journey to motherhood, thank you for sharing that. My mom always said mothering never ends. I do feel like she liked mothering a whole lot more when she didn’t have to see or take care of us everyday, ha! Yes, my mom was a chemical engineer but she didn’t like it, which she figured out while at university. However, because there was so much on the line financially she stuck with it and never loved it but it afforded us so much. I think about that a lot. So many sacrifices were made and I understand my mom’s sentiments when she said she wouldn’t have kids if she were to do it all again.
Everything about this. I sense the warm embrace of feeling seen and not alone when I read this. Thank you 💕
I’m glad! That’s all I wanted!!! I know not all people or women feel this way and I’m good with that. But for the people who do, this is who I wrote it for!!!
And to you, Stephanie! Celebrating each other feels pretty lovely too. 🧡🙌🏻
Ooof. Mic drop with that Jung quote.
I’m a mom and stepmom, struggling in all the ways. This piece hits me where I live, Stephanie!
Particular to this weekend’s ‘holiday,’ reading this made me realize something about the I importance I’ve given it—me, the mom! It’s become one of the few days I feel seen and attended to by my stepsons, which of course makes me sad just in the writing of the words.
That particular dynamic is slightly apart from your point, but also not. There’s a defining of our own identity as moms (and stepmoms) as well as that which our culture provides for us, and hopefully the twain can meet in ways that serve us appropriately. Gulp… right??
I’m glad this holiday makes you feel seen! Especially for your role as step-mom. I’m grateful for the holiday even though it may make it seem like I’m not, I just want the world to see us as more than just mom on this day. I think there’s a path to view us as both, like you said. Happy Mother’s Day :)